Her Perfect Life [3] : Let it Snow

She sipped the hot chocolate while watching people passed by the coffee shop. She always had a thing with a big wide window where she could observe her surrounding. She loved how every person interacted with each other. When she saw a couple in love before her, the sight made her sighed and missed him eventually. Yet, she understood the fact that their world was different. Beside their beautiful relationship, each one of them had their own business that also needed attention. He was not her universe like she wasn't his, but it did not mean they loved each other any less. That was how they shared their life together. 

She shook her thoughts about him. Today was her 'me time' day and she intended to spend it well before going back to her dissertation. After smiling kindly for a little girl with the cutest pink winter coat, who bounced while holding her mom's hand, she turned her attention back to her most favorite novel: Harry Potter.

She read the story silently. The Christmas carols played softly in the cafe. It was so comfortable and warm--made her missed home, though. However, she knew that distance clearly made the heart grew fonder. Boy, if it was not the truth. She found her relationship with her family was tricky. After living alone for almost five years, it would always work best if there was distance between them. She did not know whether she should be sad about it or not.

It was not because she did not love them--actually it was not about love and affection at all. Maybe when you grew up, you changed inevitably. You possessed your own character, you were your own person, and you were ready to build something on your own.

It was nice to have your clan closely, a place where you could always call home, but somehow you had been set up for a totally different setting at some point. You craved the freedom they could not give. Most of all, she knew her time to stand on her own feet has come. Funnily, she did not complain at all. She loved the independence that came with it. Honestly, it was a privilege when you were able to manage your own space to grow.

Suddenly, something shifted outside the window. It effectively disrupted her attention. She looked over the window and gasped! It was snowing outside! The first snow! She grinned widely, watching the snow like it was her first time. Always so magical and soothing--it was like the snowflakes absorb every clatters in the street.

She closed her eyes...content.

When she opened them...there he was, standing outside the coffee shop. He was standing exactly in front of her, holding a piece of paper that said:

I missed you today. 

He then changed the paper with another one.

I know today is our 'me time' day but it's the first snow. 
Share a cup of hot choco and that fatty cheese cake with me, will you? 

And more...

I promise I will read that ol' Harry Potter book for you?

She giggled and nodded enthusiastically. The crazy guy, annoyed the hell out of her but she did not want to have him any other way. He gave her his perfect boyish grin in return and jogged into the coffee shop. He then took a seat beside her and held her close.

She buried her face on his neck and inhaled his manly yet sweet scent. He smelled like those irises from Tuscany and sandalwood--strong yet reassuring. Her own version of solace.

Perfect day indeed.

Almost

He was sitting in front of her. Nothing was said, they just looked into each other's eyes. Savoring the sight that would soon be memories. The cafe was not so crowded yet not really empty either. Several people just enjoying the jazzy music echoing through the dimmed lighted room. It was a sweet day though, the first snow just fell down, covering the already cold soil. The sky was pretty gloomy but the Christmas decoration brightened up the mood. The silence almost felt so comfortable. Ah. That was the word... almost.

"I am so sorry..." He started the conversation, breaking the spell. It was not because he needed words. In fact, they did not need them at all, but some things were better to be spoken while others... let's just say that not all things should be declared out loud.

"What for?" She smiled at his words--not confuse a bit because she already knew the direction of this conversation. It was just good to make him say it first. It was not only to stroke her womany pride but she simply did not want to assume too far. She wanted to learn his depth before disclosing hers.

"I wish I approached you sooner. I wish the situation were different. I wish... Seems like I'm about to have a lot of wishes right now." He chuckled, she could not help but giggled.

"Well, it's a week before Christmas and you know, wishes that revolve around me? I think it won't be that bad." She smirked at him, tried to lighten up their mood by coating the serious topic with a joke.

"No, it will never be bad." He caressed her ring finger that was now beautified by a pretty diamond ring.

"Just come to my wedding, friend." She smiled and squeezed his much larger hands. She did not deny, nor confirm about her desire toward him. He was right, the situation was not in their favor, but they both knew that it was for the best. They were a good friend. Their friendship was so pure, it was just too precious to be tainted by a messy romance. Both of them also could not even picture a future where they might involve as a lover. No, they were perfect as a friend. Only a friend.

He smiled at her sincerely when she stood, gave him a warm hug and a lovely peck on his cheek.

"Take care!" She said cheerfully. Too cheerful for his liking but who could blame her? She deserved to be this happy and content. Even, when his heart was almost breaking

"You too..."

And then she waltzed out to the snowy weather, leaving him with his still warm and untouched coffee.

Almost...

Her Perfect Life [2] : Satellite

It was a really long day even it was only five in the afternoon. After a non-stop work she had, she finally submitted her first of many papers to her lecturer--just like a normal PhD student. At the time she left her office, her stomach was growling since she skipped her lunch time. Now, she was just too tired to stop by and judging from the weather, it would not be long until the heavy rain poured down. She decided to go home directly and cook some.

She parked her bike and entered her apartment. In the voyeur, she could listen John Mayer's songs were playing softly. She smiled to herself and took off her shoes. Noises coming from the kitchen, followed by a mouth watering smell of food. There he was, too busy cooking their meals to notice her arrival. Slowly she approached him and buried her face in his strong and broad back. He smells so good. He smells just like him...

"Welcome home!" He turned around and enveloped her with his strong arms. 

Yeah, definitely felt like home.

"How are you?" He asked.

She just shook her head, too tired and too hungry to answer. He just chuckled before pulled her to her seat in the breakfast bar.

"Dinner is about to ready!"

She smiled when he was back from the kitchen with lasagna.

"Do you want white wine with it?" he asked and she answered it with an enthusiastic nod. He was only laughing and brought her a glass of wine as well.

Once he was sat in his chair, she raised from hers and hugged him tightly. She kissed his temple as an appreciation for his effort to make her happy.

"Thank you..." she said before went back to her high chair and dig into her lasagna.

They ate in silent but enjoyed their dessert with a lot of update about each other's day or argumentation here and there about current political issues. For her, they were so compatible because they could talk about every single thing. They can easily debate each other and deliver their opinion confidently without any real tension--only to broaden their knowledge about each other's personality and point of views. 

She took his hands in hers after they put their dishes in the dishwasher. She pulled him to her favorite spot in front of her apartment's big wide windows.

"Watch the rain with me before going home, will you?" she asked him and of course, he answered her by pulling her to his lap and covering them both with a warm blanket. He hugged her tightly before kissing her forehead. They snuggled without words, watching the heavy rain and enjoying the sweet sound of it. 

She closed her eyes. Content.

It seemed like her world went back to its axis whenever he was around. He was her imperfectly perfect satellite.

Her Perfect Life [1] : Detachment

The birds were chirping happily complimented the sweet sound of the rain. It was 6.30 in the morning, she opened her heavy eyes lazily. The rain constantly knocked upon her big wide window gently. She smiled, she loved the rain. She wished she could stay in her comfortable bed for the whole day, well she got work to do and she loved her job. 

She took a shower in her small yet sufficient bathroom. This one bedroom apartment was everything she ever wanted. The kitchen was not really big but the bar was a perfect size for two. The living room was enough to accommodate one couch and a medium size TV--even when she did not really watch it. What made her fall instantly with the apartment was the patio, it was also her corner to read and write. A place where she could watch people walk by the canal or just simply sit and did her research or wrote her novel.

After a quick shower, she prepared her day carefully. Did not want to miss anything. When everything were set--she wore her favorite black coat and rode her bike to work. She was so ready to start her Monday, despite of her short grudge when she woke up. She really did love her quiet and free life. Detachment--that what she was made for. Yet, she was not sorry for that.

****

She loved her small city. The ride to her work place was really short and pleasant. The soft drizzles did not even affect her mood--if not improve it already. She felt the mellow alright in her chest but no harm came from it anyway. She passed the downtown, smiled to familiar faces. Maybe they were not familiar enough, but it was okay because she loved this anonymous life. Drama free. She could take care of her life properly and still be happy. On the other hand, she could fulfil every single need her family ever desired--even when she was not with them. At some point, distance was the one who could fix and improve. 

She smiled to herself and let the rain caressed her face. Life's good...

Literally a Woman

Dear Women,

Stop playing victim to get what you want!
Stop with the water works to bring them to their knees!
Stop back-stabbing to bring others down!
Stop just stop being so insecure... because no one above will happen if you get over your insecurity!

Lets learn together.
I am not perfect myself, but I am so tired of this crazy attitude. Especially, if you are doing it for a man.

Gosh!
You worth more than that!

Stop convincing others about your value! If they cannot see it then it is for the best if they're not in your life.
Stop playing dumb to get attention and sympathy! Really? Begging for others' attention. Gosh! You want to be a star? Then work for the spotlight yourself.
Stop offering your body to get love. Love lust love lust. Yes, both are similar L-word however, one will make you feel like a queen, the other will make you feel like trash.
Stop polishing your physic while damaging your inner-self. At the end of the day, beauty is only skin deep. Once you are old and wrinkle, your personality is the one that will preserve your real inner- beauty.

Heavenly... When the fairest also play fair.
The weak is not always the victim.
The strong is not always the perpetrator.
May you and I forever fight our battle fairly...

You are better than being a victim.
You are better than those fake tears.
You are better than that 'slut' label.
You are better than a bitchy queen bee.
You are better than a social climber.
You are better than an attention seeker.

Whatever it is in your head, snap it out!
Get over it! Quit the easy way!
Stop being a drama queen! Start being a tough fighter!
You are way way way more precious than that...and you know it.

Sincerely,
One-Still-Learning-Woman

To Be A Validated Game Changer

Today was the first time I walked through my neighborhood. Usually, I did my cardio work out near the beach or in the jogging track, but today I pushed myself to just walked around my neighborhood. It was really interesting. There were several notes that I took during this unique 'me time.'

First, there was no enough pavement.

Walking was a very rare thing to do here. Most people preferred to ride their motorcycle or car, instead of walking. But lets not kid ourselves and see point one again.

Next, they were staring. Yes, it was an old song about Indonesian culture. People stare. I did not precisely know whether they judged me or just simply...stared. Yet, I could say that it was abnormally normal. That was why, I put earplug on. Sometime I did not want to know what they thought about me when they rudely said it out loud.

However...

I loved the familiarity.

The simplicity of children playing football on the street. Yes, this country needed to open more playground. 

The friendliness between neighbors. Housewives in a common neighborhood tended to go outside in the afternoon, just to gather and talk. Well, one could not avoid the talk of gossip, but then again it was so fascinating. During my stay in America, I did not see that kind of 'gathering'. I thought it was an Asian thing. 

I walked for one hour or so. Soaked up all the familiarity. Today, I took a good distance from my usual habit and saw closer to where I came from.

Then I realized, if I wanted to be one of those dreamers who wanted to change this country, I should first take a closer look to 'what really happen' around me. Tried to put on Indonesian people's shoes, so we will be able to really know what they need truly. Not from the media, not from others...but from my own eyes and experiences.

Indonesia is a complicated country. I could not say it otherwise because there was not point to deny it either. Nothing could be done overnight because every single infrastructure is connected with each other. Sometime when you want to fix A, you should also think about B, C. and even D factors. And when yo want to develop E further, you should also consider F, G, H and so on and so forth. It is difficult but not impossible.

One by one.

Layer by layer.

Expertise by expertise.

However, one thing that we need for sure: a good cooperation between institutions--nope, even with between individuals.

I read an article about Indonesia as The Sleeping Giant in Asia. I discussed this article with my Dad. He said something that made me think a bit harder than usual, "I think there is a great external influence that determinedly restrain our country's growth. Because we have everything in this country!"

We have huge amount of human resources.

We posses ridiculously rich natural resources.

We are located in the most strategic location.

We have (almost) the best kind of weather. (Well, after experiencing -30 degree of winter and huge amount of snow, one should not complain for having sunny days almost everyday)

We are beautiful... Yes, our Indonesia is more than beautiful. Those natural beaches. Those captivating mountains. Those pretty hills. Those forests. Various species of plants and animals. Those rivers. Those caves. Those cultures; Gosh! We are the true combination of over thirty cultures with different languages, tradition clothes and foods. Most off all, we are a solid unification of characters and beliefs. Yet, we are still proudly call ourselves as one...Indonesian.

It is a beautiful country that needs beautiful touches from her people.

Maybe I do not know a thing about how to practically fix this country now. But I will figure it out. And I know that I am not the only one. There are a lot of people out there who are getting tired of waiting. They are (including me) restlessly burning to make a change.

People who are being let down by this country but not flee out of it and judge from afar. People who are being laughed at because others think that they are too naive and too idealist--but hell, it's better to try rather than grumpily waiting and whining. Right?

I know... it's hard to be the game-changer. We are living in a very artificial world. We need to make our name known first so 'they' will hear our voices. In order to get there, we need to go on a long process.

We cannot go directly, it is too dangerous. Breaking the system when you are a 'new inexperience player' is not an option. We need to be an experienced player outside the system first before getting inside and tear the corrupted one into pieces. We need to be patient if we want to effectively fixing the missing jigsaws. 

Nevertheless, I hope that process will not change us...right? Well, as I said, be patient. See the greater goal. It's better to try and fail rather than not trying at all.

And yes, we just haven't met each other yet.

One day!

To those people, I sincerely saying...

"I'll see you on top Indonesian Game-Changers!"

For Those Who are Wondering Silently

"My core ideals and principles do not change, my respect to other's perspective, choice, ideal, and principle does... It is increasing concomitantly with my mind expanding process. See the world as you want, just do not force your 'observation' on others. That's not the legitimate rules."

I wrote this post in response to those negative comments my good friend received due to her decision to undergo a plastic surgery. Honestly, in the beginning I was confuse and concern about her decision because she was already beautiful inside and out. However, I knew she got reasons and considerations of her own. 

Funnily, at the end of the day I realized that it was not about physical beauty. It was not even about the plastic surgery, it was about understanding yourself more and bravely acting based on your own belief--whatever the consequences were. I respected that because it made her happy. It made her glow. 

Easy with that judgmental mind, people. You never know when the situation might be reversed and you are the one being the scrutinized object. Yes, object. And you know why I label it as 'object'; because no one deserves to be judged, unless you sit in front of judges in the court.

So, if you are not a judge... then, no rights are granted to be judgmental.

"Every book has an ending.
 Every song has a last note.
 But we're just pretending that we never gotta go..."

[Tonight by The Sota Boys]

Her Dream Paradox

It was a gloomy afternoon, after a lot of debate with myself whether to go to the exhibition, I finally arrived in the building. I knew I needed to be ready, though. Ready to face him again after all this time... Ah time, I wish it was on my side right now. Unlike before... or the even the time before that.

****

Before

I got several pictures in my shaking hands. I did not know why my hands were shaking when I held them close. Maybe because I was now living my dream, at least partially. I watched how the grey clouds hung upon the afternoon sky--made the situation even more dramatic that it already was. I put those pictures back on my bag, did not want them got ruined because of my stupid lonely tears.

Yes, a girl waited for her bus in the airport, ready to realize her dream but she cried nevertheless. How stupid that sounded? A broken heart made her dumb I guessed.

"I hated Paris..." he said while playing with bunch of printed pictures in his hands. He liked photography so much, he spent almost his whole life to document life, including my dream city: Paris. Yes, like any other girls or maybe even boys, I loved Paris. Oh come on, who did not like Eiffel Tower? And the romantic atmosphere? At least that was what they advertised about this city. 

"Well, I couldn't really comment on that. I've never been there myself, but I think I would liked that city." I shrugged his comment away.

"Umm no, I think you do not just like it--you love it! I can see it in your eyes. You like it so much that you make Paris as one of your must-visit places. Right?" He teased me merciless, as usual.

Blushing, he caught me there. I looked at him curious, how could he know? I voiced my question out loud. Not that it was vital since he could read my mind almost every single time. 

"Because your eyes lite up like Christmas tree when I said that I wanted to show you pictures of France..."

"Did I?!"

"Yep, you did!" He laughed and touched my nose. I tried to act cool by smiling over the small the gesture while in fact, he took my breath away and made my heart beat strangely.

"Today, I would show you pictures of Paris but one day, I will be the one who take you there. Consider it as a kind gesture since you cannot speak even a word of French. Such a shame!"

I rolled my eyes at him, there was no guidelines in this whole wide world for us to speak five different languages like him. Oh him and traveling! I did not even want to try to question why he could speak so many languages.

"Now let's start with the gate of France... Charles De Gaulle..."

As the bus passed upon the small Air France aircraft, I could not help but matched the photograph he took with the actual view until it went away. The first of many pictures that I would like to match--between the reality and the dream he created in those printed images. As sad as it might sound, through the picture I felt that he guided me to live my dream even without him in it.

****

I kept the best for the last. That was exactly my thought when I stepped out from the metro in Bir-Hakeim station. It was 9 o'clock in the evening, but there were still a lot of people there. I tucked my sling bag carefully, did not want to attract any pick-pocket. I did not know what I felt at that time when I walked through Quai Branly. I realized the excitement of Paris had long gone but I guessed it did not stop me to living this partly broken dream.

We sat in a private corner of the unfamiliar restaurant with a glass of Rose in front of us. He did not like Rose, but he ordered us a bottle of it nonetheless. Simply because he knew that I liked it so much. I did not usually drink a lot of wine but today I needed the comfort of it. I knew it was a bad choice of encouragement, but I needed alcohol to make me brave and he did make me nervous, something that he never did before. 

Synchronized with the heavy rain outside, I could feel the gloom loomed over us like a thick unwanted blanket. I watched him carefully, despite of the odd, I tried to memorize everything about him. His face--hazel eyes with slight facial hair here and there, all in the right places. His dark hair was tucked behind as a very short pony tail. I could not help myself but sniffed his scent, his manly perfume tickled my nose gently. He smelled so good, I wished I could snuggle closer and enveloped by him--my favorite safe haven. I wanted to remember every single second of this moment... 

He studied me carefully too. His eyes were so intense. I could read all the feelings he let me see. He was usually so guarded, while I was the open letter he was the one with horribly tight seal. He worshiped privacy like no other but he gives me a privilege to see right through him nevertheless.

I felt our thick wall crumbled into thousands pieces. Surrounding us with unknown and unclassified feelings. We were practically baring ourselves to each other. No more curtain in front of our emotion. It was time.

"What if we were situated in a whole different condition?" I whispered softly, too scared to break the spell.

"You mean in a world without distance ?"

"Maybe..."

He stared at me like I was a lunatic. Yes, maybe I was. I was in the edge of my sanity because life would soon take my safe haven hastily--him.

"But distance is my life and no one can take me away from that. The more I embrace distance, the more I discover things. Even distance was the one who gave me you... If I did not take the decision to pursue my education abroad, we would never meet. Right?"

"No one worthy enough to change your mind?"

"Yes." He answered it without any bit of hesitation.

I felt like there was a high voltage lightning struck my heart.

"Some things are meant to be broken." He said again to respond my miserable silence.

"Even when the bound was so powerful?" I needed to doubt him. I refused to stop!

He looked at me with such intensity that killed all my feeling--I did not know what to react, what to feel at the moment. All those emotions overwhelmed me. Slowly, oh slowly he put his palm on my heart.

"I could feel myself here..."

Without breaking the eye contact, I put my hand over his heart as well.

"As could I..."

"But some things are really meant to be broken..."

And at that time I could hear my own heart breaking, just like the wall that was once guarding it.

Finally, I arrived in front of the mighty Eiffel Tower. Just in time when hundreds of lights were twinkling and blinking. I opened my small sling bag and took the last picture. I matched it with the real Eiffel Tower in front of me. I stared at the picture and ignored the reality that was going on around me. His picture was captivating me. He captured it perfectly and beautifully--even more beautiful than the reality.

Maybe because that he was. He was more beautiful than any reality--he was too good to be true. Like my own personal angel, but guessed no one deserved perfection and no angel belonged to mortal.

Suddenly, all air was taken from my lungs... I could not breath. I could not stand. I sat there...surrounded by people kissing, families hugging each other, friends joking around with wine in their hands. I sat there and cried heart wrenchingly--silently.

I could not believe that I was here, in Paris, under the Eiffel Tower...without him. We dreamed about it together but now, just like what he said... our dream was meant to be broken. He left me with his broken promises scattered around like unfinished jigsaws. Abandoned and forgotten.

I could feel myself swallowed by elegy... A deep elegy that I buried for so long. Now it came back to me. Guessed one could not be strong all the time. I let it out... because this sadness deserved to be felt. At least, I had come this far. I had done my part. For his memory was worth it. Our bound was precious enough... therefore, the sadness that come upon our broken bound was truly deserved to be felt. I just hopped his reasons to forsake me were the same--worth it, because clearly, for him, what we had was not good enough.

Last tears.

I promised...

I whispered it through the summer night. The ironic night of closure. While others celebrated their love in this city, I practically feasted upon my broken heart and conclude my love tale.

****

Now

Prague. I loved this city. I remembered the last time I was here, it was like years ago. I came with a severe broken heart--tried so hard to heal myself. Escaping from home just to erase him or maybe, I just simply made an excuse to cross the ocean and searched for him in his continent. It was crazy actually. But well, what did you expect? Illogical love could always kill your logic.

And now, here I was, arrived in front of the most prestigious photography exhibition in Leica Gallery Prague. Honestly I did not know why I came here myself. Oh yeah right, my boss wanted me to go. As an art curator, it was my job to look for the best art pieces all over the world. I denied my boss several times though, especially after I saw the list of the photographers.

Damn.

I knew that he would be a famous photographer one day. My artistic intuition could see it from the very beginning when he showed those beautiful pictures of his; he made our small college town looked way prettier. I wondered how he turned those simple beauties into something amazing. But now, I especially wondered, what did he look like now? More handsome? Did he possibly cut his hair? My head was basically invaded by these crazy unnecessary thoughts rather than what kind of arts that I would buy this evening.

Well, maybe I should have Googled him in the past.

I chuckled bitterly, stalking him was just off the list. Listening to someone said his name was already hurt like crazy, left alone stalk his social media or google him. I literally would be dead if I discovered him with his conquests. Or even only merely knew that he had a completely happy life, while I struggled.

I shook those bad memories away, I refused to dwell in. It had been two years. I believed I had changed. Or there would always be a chance that he did not remember about me.

Yeah, keep telling that to your self!

I wished he would not be there. It would be so awkward. But come on, after all these years? Should it be that awkward if we actually meet each other? Well, let's just hope I would not put any interest in his pictures--which also most unlikely.

I sighed, dejectedly. Knowing, there was no way out of this lose-lose situation.

Straightened up my dress, I entered this classy building after giving my invitation to the guard. This private show surely the hottest thing in Prague, since the guests were all dressed up so neat and fancy. There were a lot of people in there--of course, what did I expect? Duh. I had not even met him, yet my logic was already dimmed into a lower level.

The wall was painted grey with a lot of pictures on the wall. In each side, I could see the name of the photographer. I walked further, looking for the main exhibition hall. I did not want to waste too much time, it would be better to see the best pieces and grab it as fast as possible before others had it. Or before I bumped into him.

I could see one picture in the wide wall of the main room. People were swam in front of it, I guessed I should wait for my turn. Patiently, I waited until I was in front of this sensational picture.

I gasped.

I felt time stood still.

I could not breath.

...

It was a picture of me.

I was standing in front of the Eiffel Tower, holding his picture to match it up with the actual sight.

Wildly, my eyes searched for the title.

It was written:

His Broken Dream Came True
By: G. Amadeus

He was there.

As soon as the realization hit me like a hurricane, I did not know what happened to me after that. It was like I was witnessing my own self struggling to get out from the crowd--looking for air to breath.

He was there.

He saw me there.

He watched me in my most broken and fragile moment.

I found an empty corner and leaned my self on the clear wall. Clearly, I could not support myself now.

"Malf?"

And then I saw him for real. He was wearing a very fancy suit. His hair was now cut really short, almost like those who were in the army. He stood there, watching me devouring his presence. The man who took my heart away, cherished it just to crush it in the end. The man who bailed on me on our promised Euro trip. The man who let me cried so hard in the airport, once I realized he would not come. The man who did not even show up in our promised country: France.

In short, the man who once broke me severely.

After a torturing silence, he slowly approached me--looking afraid as if I might explode. Which was good because I could even feel it in my skin. My wrath crawled in every inch of it. I tried so hard to calm my emotion down, remembering his main picture in this exhibition. His muse: me.

Stood firmly, I gave him a smile--or so I thought as a smile.

"Hello G, how are you?"  I said harsher than I wanted it to be.

"Great?"

"Of course you are great. How could you not? Knowing that you have been loved too deep back then under the Eiffel Tower? Poor girl, her crazy love was taken for granted."

"Malf..."

"Was it hurt? Seeing me so close to you but you could not even meet me in person? You could not even touch me. Was it hurt?

He kept being silent.

"Answer me? At least I got one answer from out of billions unanswered questions that I have for you."

He stared at me intently.

"Yes. It hurt and still hurts like hell..."

"Good, at least I was not the only one who had my own personal hell. Good luck with your life! Goodbye."

"Malf!" He grabbed my hand.

"Don't! Your time is up, G. Some things are meant to be broken, right? Including my love for you. Funny how I ended that feeling in the city of love, exactly in the moment that you captured in a quite impressive way. I wished you enjoyed the view."

I stared at him. Feeling so numb, I hated it.

"So long my friend. au revoir! Thank you for making my decision easier back then in Paris. Like I said before, good luck!" I said bitterly, ending our unexpected encounter.

And then, I walked away and never looked back.
Or so I hopped.

***HER END***

Not An Ambitious Traveler (5)

I thought it was time to end this blog post series. As cliche it might seem, I would end the story in Paris--like a Hollywood movie or something. There were a lot of thing that I wanted to document about Paris but I realized those stories were definitely not for public consumption. I hated that I was not anonymous enough to write freely about everything. At the end, our identity was the one that restricted our freedom.

When I arrived in the downtown, another city popped in my head. It was New York City. Ah, just like Amsterdam, but Paris was giving me stronger sense of the Big Apple--in European way of course. I could also assure you that it was not a city of love in the daylight.

The highlighted of Paris for me was when I met three amazing women.

The first one was the woman who determined to accompany me in Paris. She was the strongest of them all.

Long story short, we ended up helping each other. Two broken hearts women, walked hand in hand in the city of love that soon changed into city of friendship. I would always remember how we faced Eiffel Tower and both of us reacted in the exact same way: we cried for the broken dream we had about Paris with our loved ones.

On the first night upon her arrival, she was so stressed up with her thesis. Yeah, a broken heart and unfinished school project would never go pretty. Tell me about that. We spent our first night worked on her thesis--tried so hard to find a brand new motivation. It was a great night for me nonetheless, because I adored research and was no longer having any desire to explore touristy places.

I also would always remember the late night we spent in Champs Elysees avenue. We had been so stylish during the day, we ended up in our most comfortable outfit at night. Yes, while people were dressing so fancy, we only wore t-shirt, jacket, and legging with our running shoes without make up on. It was also the reason why we canceled our plan to hang out in a cafe--because underdressed was definitely an understatement that night.

Instead of going to the cafes, we finally ended up going to a drugstore. We planned to drink something at our apartment. She pointed out vodka in the refrigerator, I shrugged it off because for me, vodka was not an option. I did not aware what possessed me, but I walked to yogurt shelf because those delicious looking yogurt seemed so attractive. I took two bottles and strangely, she did the same.

You know what happened next? We sat in the bench near Arc de Triomphe and drank our yogurt. Yes, yogurt was definitely the best substitute beverage on a fabulous Friday night in Paris. We laughed about it out loud, it hurt. It was definitely a night to remember...

She healed me through a unique way: by taking care of her and helping her to hold her life together.

---

In Paris, I also met my friend from Ann Arbor. She was the second woman that inspired me during this visit. She was the loveliest lady of them all.

One thing that I regretted during my stay in Ann Arbor was we never made it for a coffee. But well, we made it up in Paris. So fancy!

It was great meeting her again. She was so dear, I felt a pang of  sadness because I did not give myself a chance to spend time with her more before. Meeting her, brought a new perspective about my current state: hopeless, broken-hearted and feeling so useless. I would always remember how she held my hand and said, "You got more and more beautiful everytime I met you. It was like you are blooming. You are still young, please do not think too much about everything!"

After that, I felt that I could breath easier. It was not too late. There would be something better waiting for me after this impromptu escape.

She taught me to appreciate myself more. That it was okay to be not okay. That I was young! For god's sake I was still young but how could I felt that I had crazy amount of burden on my shoulder.

---

On my last day in Paris, I met the third woman that I adored: she was the coolest of them all. She worked for an amazing international organization and I could not be more proud of her. She was also the one who intoxicated my brain to pursue higher degree in Europe. Oh and she also pushed me to learn French. Joy! Yes, I was being both sarcastic and serious about it.

Believe it or not, it was the first time we met but I felt like we were an old friend already. Talking with her was so addictive--we talked a lot, we regretted I could not stay longer. Well, I was pretty sure it would not be the last time I visited this city, though.

She showed me that we should work on what we want. We should not restrain ourselves to pursue our dreams and settle down just because others demand us to. She taught me so much and I learned that I should not be afraid to dream big because life had its own way to fulfill our dreams as long as we work hard for it.

---

Despite of the unique experience, I have not seen my bestie in his hometown and atmosphere yet! I must go back one day. Moreover, I also have not fulfilled my promise to meet a wonderful and lovely lady from the North too. I have made a promise, so I intended to keep them because I knew how hurt it was when you were being lied to about promise. Human and their words--so unpredictable.

In the afternoon, I left Paris with a strange contentment and fulfillment... It was weird because everything that happened in Paris were beyond my expectation.

It was for the best though... Ah, life and its calculation! Always so surprising.

You, 2015, is and will always full of surprises for me!

"May the bridges I burn light the way..."

Not An Ambitious Traveler (4)

If you asked me about Praha before, I would say that I was not curious about this city at all. It was always my best friend who wanted to visit Praha. But now, I would be lying if I had not built such special admiration for this lovely Eastern European city.

The way the golden hours shone upon Danube river...
The way my feet were half dancing when I explored those narrow streets and got lost willingly...
The way those serenity feeling warmly wrapped my heart...
The way Prague cellists touched my heart so deep with Falling Slowly melody...

I would always remember that time, right before I had to depart to Paris. I was sitting under the Charles Bridge. Eating my lunch on the side of the river while greedily devoured the view. How birds were flying freely... I was aware that this freedom that I possessed had strict limitation.

I wish I could stay there forever though. Stayed as a stranger, lived my life and wrote as much as I wanted. Took pictures and documented life. Forever be an adventurous wanderer.

I knew it was a dangerous wish, but I could not help my self from asking for much too much.

But then, as always, life could not give everything we want. At some point, we should do what we need to do, not what we want to do. Just like ourselves, there would always be the time where we ought to shut our heart down and let our brain ruled our steps.

Finally, I departed from Praha with an intense bittersweet feeling curled in my guts. I remember how I chuckled to myself when I left that amazing lunch spot. It was so ironic when I realized that Paris was no longer having the appealing effect on me. However, I could not miss this city for the world--for any reason. I needed to be there.

Nevertheless, please know this Praha, you are forever be the one which inspired and prepared me... To fight for myself. To not give up. To not be swallowed by my own misery. To be happy because of me. To forget the bitterness. To forgive. To embrace my feelings. To hope but not to expect. To accept what was not meant to be, and let it go. To remember the good memories and not letting bad memories jeopardized them.

Because of you... Now I smiled, and ready to go to the land where the famous Eiffel Tower proudly stood! Or so I thought.

Not An Ambitious Traveler (3)

Lets talk about Austria now! So after making a quick stop in Hannover, I flew to Vienna. I also met my other good friend there. The good thing was I still could sense tranquility radiated from her--the feeling that I always felt whenever she was around.

What I could narrate about Vienna, it was a very detail city. I thought I knew details from Bremen, but Vienna won it all. Started from St. Stephen Church. Every single centimeter of this church basically covered in fine detail art. It was like they did not want to miss any spot uncovered. Paintings. Statues. All blanketed in sophisticated and conservative art. It was full of beauties, since I was a big art admirer.

One sweet memory that I kept about this church was I lite a candle there. I did not know for how long I stared at the dancing little fire afterward. Nor, I knew what I wish for... all I did was watching it burned and tried hard not to cry. Funny how I just stood there and wished for nothing. Yet deep down, I knew God had uncovered what was best for me for this trip--even for my life.

There, in St. Stephen Church, I knew my heart and thought were already surrender bravely to the upcoming beautiful plan...

However, I had a small bad experience: pick-pocket. For those who liked to visit touristy place in Europe, please be super careful with your belongings because a lot of expert pick-pocket hunted after them. My money, for example, was almost ceased. Yes, even inside of the church, they were resilient. My tip was do not use a purse that was easily identify as your source of money. Use something smaller or less eye-catching. Fortunately, I caught him red handed and he flee immediately. I pitied him though, he could do way better than me. Come on, a crazy jobless girl who only brought no more than 20 Euro with her. It was definitely waste of time to steal from me. Other than that adrenaline rush experience, the day was ended perfectly in beautiful vineyard restaurant up in the hill.

As you had known, I did not like to act like a tourist (even when I was) including in this home of Mozart. My friend knew about it, so instead of taking me to other scenic place, she took me to her childhood life. We went to a theme park! At the beginning we only wanted to ride the Ferris Wheel and enjoyed Vienna from above, but the plan was expanded. We stayed after the ride and rode other crazy game. We chose a short yet one hella intense jet coaster.

She said we were walking upon her childhood memory: ate some Hungary langos--a delicious fried bread with garlic, then rode the said jet coaster before picked cotton candy as our comfort food in the end. It was fun but so exhausting. We finally ended the perfect Sunday by sitting in her very comfy sofa. The small talks were also so honest, I would forever cherish my time with her. It was so easy and calming at some point.

And then.... I went to Praha! Basically, the trip to Praha was so magical. Honestly it was a struggle to describe how perfect my solo trip to Praha was. Like any other solo trip, the best part was it was all about you and yourself only. No interruption. No need to ask permission from others. No need to be so considerate. You could go wherever your heart desired.

I arrived there before noon, I decided to take a nap before walked to the famous Charles Bridge.

Have you ever experienced visiting a new place and your eyes became so greedy that they wanted to capture every single view? Yes, Praha made my brain did that. Only in Praha I guess--no offense to other city that I already visited though. I could not lie to myself, it was so beautiful that Praha was rapidly climbing and proudly sitting on top of my list. Yes, I did not even think Paris would able to be it's rival (no offense again for Paris).

In Praha, the streets were so narrow--my kind of favorite thing about Europe because they were made to be walked upon by feet. There were also a lot of small cafes and people were so friendly. I would always remember sitting in the Charles Bridge while watching three passionate cellists played so beautifully they got me stunned. The moment was so personal... they were so inspiring. I did not know how many time I beat myself (until now) because I stopped myself from buying their CD back then. Well, the truth was it wast not me stopping myself but my pocket. I did not carry enough money to buy it. Ugh, me and my fear to bring cash with me.

Not An Ambitious Traveler (2)

And then I arrived in Amsterdam in the next day. A lusty city--some even called it as the new Babylon--as scary and crazy as it sounded, I kind of liked this city. I usually hated big and crowded cities. After living peacefully in Ann Arbor, I got a little addicted over small yet convenient town. Well, someday even when I ought to live in a big city, I hope I would get a quiet apartment or house though.

The highlight of the city was when I found the bench of my favorite movie: The Fault in Our Stars. Cheesy, right? I knew! Believe me I knew! While everyone else got excited over Anne Frank's house or other sightseeing places, I forced my friend to find this bloody bench. After walking for miles, whe found it! And gosh, it was so great to read "Some infinities are greater than other infinities" written in the bench.

I sat there alongside with several giggly girls waiting for me to move. Yes girls, I know I am not as young as you but I hella loved this movie too! So please excuse my fangirling moment!

After we left that place, I thought I wanted to have my own version of Gus too! Well, you could say that some wishes did come true immediately. I found him in the Dam Museum. Yes, Gus who played as a conductor of a fake orchestra or did a moon walk like a faux Michael Jackson. And yes, he performed in the great main hall of the Museum while everyone else were quietly reading all the explanations. He made me laugh so hard, I did not care anymore. Ah a fine day indeed! Too bad, I was too shy and he was too polite to really give that little moment a 'go'. But well, some memories were better be only a memory. Ah! And a rebound to be healed was never be my option.

Also in Amsterdam, I found a girl who experienced the same situation--a broken heart situation. I felt so lucky that I met her. Why? Because I could help her to heal herself while healing myself in the process. Maybe I was already healed but helping people did make you stronger and braver--for if it's possible, you would not let anyone suffered the way you did. If I could make her feel better with my experience then why should I stop there?

Oh boys. I hope they are growing up and starting to stop taking women (who happened to love them like a fool) for granted... Yes, we are often being taken for granted but then maybe that was why they were not with us, because we deserved to be treated way way way better than that.

Funny how love can change you... to be better or worse.

In this case, I chose to be better. Yes! I still love beautifully and forgive easily. The difference was I now knew my value more--no more measuring it by how much he cared about me. Oh come on! If he stops being so caring then it doesn't mean you are not good enough girl, it is just simply mean that he is not the one...for now or for ever.

We deserve to be queen for the worthy king, not even a prince charming. A king who willingly slays a dragon and happily combines his empire with ours. Yes, do not build an empire together! You must have your empire established first, that is why I call ourselves as queens not princesses. For we are no longer a kid. Chin up, woman!

Now you know why something was changing when I departed from Amsterdam. It was a huge deal... because I could feel how this place 'helped' me in a very unique way.

Should I label Netherlands as my favorite country in Europe?

Oh wait until I described Austria, Czech Republic and finally...France.

Not An Ambitious Traveler (1)

Europe. Never knew I would finally step on this continent. Guess you can never underestimate the power of dream and effort or in my case... impulsiveness. Started from falling for a quiet small city in Germany: Hannover. I met my lovely cousin (but I will refer her as my sister nonetheless) and lived with her and my brother in law for a week.

It felt so magical when I traveled and pretended to be a local there, rather than being a mere visitor--despite of the language barrier though. Somehow I wish this world only spoke one language. But well, every single mother tongue speaker would always want the same thing whenever they were being a non-native-speaker abroad.

In Hannover, I also met my friend from Ann Arbor. It was so unreal when he stood in front of my sister's apartment. It was also fascinating when I witnessed his life in his hometown. A life 'before' and maybe would soon to be 'after' Ann Arbor. Seeing him in his atmosphere--so glad that I had the chance to do that. Especially to feel the genuine welcome gesture vibrated around me when I was introduced to his dear friends. They even kind enough to overcome the language barrier. It made me feel like an insider--for that I forever felt grateful for. Yes, being an outsider because of language barrier was sucks. Trust me I had been 'trained' so hard to face that kind of situation.

After Germany, I continued my trip to a very familiar country called the Netherlands. I referred it as 'familiar' because of the  strong relation between Netherlands and Indonesia. I formerly did not want to visit this country. However, since the foundation of this trip was impulsiveness then I decided to visit my dear friend in Netherlands anyway. It turned out to be the funniest experience one!

I would always remember the gloomy weather that blanketed a city. A city called Leiden. A city where Edward Cullen should live (LOL) because sunny day was always count as a bonus.It was cloudy and soft showering almost everyday. The canals were so beautiful there nevertheless.

Leiden also kept many phenomenal histories. Started from the Einstein cafe--a cafe where Einstein found his famous E = mc2 formula. This lovely town was also the home of the oldest university in Netherlands--where a lot of Indonesian heroes and Dutch royals studied.

I also would always remember the night where I danced around with my good friend like no one was watching. It was just me and him and our favorite songs. In case you were wondering, they were XO by Beyonce and Santa Tell Me by Ariana Grande. It was sooooo much fun! We wish our close friends in Indonesia were joining us though.

Yes, a perfect dance in the middle of the night! Until we both happily collapsed in the end. Go go go Arians! Oh and he also the one who persuaded me to continue my second Master or even Phd there. Hmmm... interesting thought, wasn't it?

And there was Den Haag. A city that soon became my new obsession after DC. I think I always have a soft spot for governmental cities. They made me feel at ease and secure.

You know what epic? I also celebrated Indonesia 70th Independence Day there. Yes, we celebrated the freedom from Dutch Colonial in their own land. I knew it's been a while, and maybe we're already forgotten all of those black histories but well, one could not help herself but said 'In your face!' privately. Yes, I said it privately because we wouldn't want to upset them, would we?

Luckily, we also met a very generous and talk-active Madame. Her grandpa was a hero for our freedom. Hence, she took all the independence ceremony by heart. Oh I also wanted to share my a little about how I almost cried when I sang "Indonesia Raya"--it's been a while indeed. Ah Indonesia, whatever your flaws are, deep down I still wanted to be your game changer.

Going back to the kind Madame, She gave us a lot of lessons about being an international person. She criticized a lot about what was happening not only in Indonesia, but also in any other places. She was so smart and also married with a UN officer--yes, she had been living from country to country. She was also so humble, it amazed me. She spoke what she thought. I felt that there was no pretentiousness and falsity in her bones.

Further story about Den Haag: the governmental buildings were awesome. My friend told me even the Prime Minister was walking around in the parliament's yard and were so approachable. There was no tight security upheld in there--no sense of arrogance at all. You could walk around the palace's grounds without any scary security officers closed by. Yes, they got a lot of cameras here and there but please, it was more than okay to just walked around and took pictures.

Ah I thought it was the pleasure of living in a country where public officers were really realizing their truly place as public servants.

The Whisper of Hidden Farewell

She walked slowly through the sidewalk. Enjoying the sun, the unusual crowd and her playlist throughout the headphone. Today was a very sunny day. Such a beautiful day.

Despite of the songs in her ears, she still could listen random musician played their instruments on side walk of the downtown. She smiled when she saw someone played his violin. She liked that melancholic instrument. She was so tempted to stop and watched until the violinist finish his piece. However, she had a place to go.

She glanced at her watch, well maybe she should increase her pace to reach her destination...or maybe not. She exhaled and cleared her mind and continue her steps.

She was so calm that day. It was so strange. Her breaths were as steady as her steps. She did not rush herself yet not slowed her pace down at the same time. She was just not in a rush nor delaying the inevitable. She was done exasperatingly catching up with time. She was too tired right now. Too drained to beg for time to be gentle. It was just a useless attempt anyway.

The almost empty bus station. She was finally arrived in her destination. She unplug her headphone, ready to be all smiley--she already promised to herself to do it properly. No more half truth. No more hidden facts. Honesty. A genuine reality. No more decorative details or other faux shiny ornaments. No tricks. No plan. She was there...baring herself. It was so scary yet brought a particular relief inside her. And yes, it was time to face her fear. Or maybe their fear... That was the least she could do.

There he was, also freshly arrived with his suitcases. It was so real yet unreal at the same time. She grinned when she looked at him. It felt like only yesterday she met him when she said her first hello. Yet today, they would have their proper goodbye.

The Power of Social Media

I was deactivating my Facebook for a month. Alas, I didn't have any conservative contact of several persons that I would like to meet. Hence, I hesitantly activated it now so I could conveniently contact them. I was so surprise with a lot of overwhelming news on my timeline. Started from graduation, wedding, engagement and every single thing you could imagine ever existed were on Facebook. And then, I realized I missed my friends' news just because I did not use Facebook.

I honestly did not know whether to laugh or cry because of that.

However, it also opened my eyes how social medias were now being a significant part of our life. It was the reminder of your friends' birthday. It was the easiest way to know how life's treating them. It was the shortest string to keep in touch with your significant others.

I could not believe I should activate my Facebook again just to contact my friends. It was also an alarming situation how I should have done better in reaching out through them and not using social media as the only communication tool. Right?

Or should we just give in and settle with the understanding of social media as the new 'conservative' communication instrument?

Technology and the art of using it...

Constant Banter

"Damn Heart, get a life! Will you?"

Asked Brain.

Things I Want to Remember (4)

Dear future PS,

Once you wrote this paragraph in your Personal Statement:

"I once read an inspirational book entitled “5cm” by an Indonesian author, Doni Dhirgantoro. This book had awakened my nationalism by narrating about loving Indonesia despite of its flaws and deficiencies because in this land, I was born and raised. I also survived because of this country’s soil, water and natural sources thus there are a lot to be grateful for. This enlightenment has stopped my judging attitude towards many injustice phenomenons that surrounded me and transformed it into problem solving nature instead." 

I wish you would always remember it during your transition phase and...most importantly, when you forgot your ultimate goal in life (just in case).

Sincerely,
Current PS

Changes

On my way home, I was thinking about the word 'changes'. It was triggered by a crazy overthinking (as usual) on my part. Despite of the-verge-of-tears-state everytime I let myself went deeper to memories that I would really like to erase, that word popped out in my head. I knew that I should have not replayed those bad memories, but maybe I secretly believed that I did not want to run from it either. I wanted to overcome those bad memories with the good ones but alas, human's brain was so tricky.

I found some psychology study about peak-end rule--in which people judges experience largely based on how they were at their peak and at their end, rather than based on the total sum or average of every moment of the experience. Sadly, it occurs regardless of whether the experience is pleasant or unpleasant. Other circumstances, beside the peak and the end, are not forgotten but are rather not being used by our naughty brain (Source: Wikipedia). Yeah, I know, I was that 'crazy', I started to ready psychology stuff and analyzed myself. Oh! And tried to figure a way out from this prolonged mess.

Lets going back to the word change. One day, in a very brief conversation with my friend, he brought up the subject of 'change'. When I said that everything was changing, he said that it was normal because change was the only constant in life. 

I got the meaning behind it, but I had never really thought about it. As you all have known, 'trouble' began when I started to think. I thought, overthinking was my distinctive talent. It was both gift and curse. A gift because when I overthought about something, usually my suspicion was correctly proven at the end. The curse was, that 'talent' was the reason why I could discover stuff and voila...those bad memories were made. Aha! Ok, lets go back to the talk of 'change', I had wasted enough time to torture my barely function heart.

When I started thought about change as the only constant, I imagined a conversation over two old friends. In one fine afternoon, there were two well-acquainted persons sat in a small cafe. The golden hours was shone over their table's big umbrella, they did not really notice the heath. Or maybe they just simply ignored it--the outdoor view was too beautiful to be missed. 

Despite of the hot weather, they both ordered two cups of hot coffee. They hated cold coffee because it ruined the fine taste of those source of caffeine beans. An Italian espresso for him and a light cappuccino for her. They moved from one topic to another, but the awkwardness was still in the air. The guy could feel it, so did the girl. Maybe they were just too afraid to talk about it, or maybe they chose to let time brought the familiarity into their conversation.

However, it was funny; once the familiarity between them was back...the tension was getting thicker, and their awkwardness suddenly became an interesting topic.

"It felt so weird, didn't you think?" The guy bravely pointed out their situation.

"What was weird?" She had learned that playing dumb was the best 'weapon' to delay things...or discover more.

"Us. We are just so awkward. It just felt so weird. I don't like it."

She sighed and looked at him in the eye. 

"You mean that we are changing? Well, I don't like it either. But lets see it in another way. Maybe it was a sign that we have grown so much since the last time we met or talked. For me, change equals growth. The problem is whether we choose to grow apart or grow closer or just grow by our own selves without affecting each other. The latter is most likely an 'in between' point or...maybe it does not even have any relation with the first two kind of growth." She shrugged, appeared to be not really care. She had gone too philosophical, hence she shut her mouth--did not want to bore him with her random thought.

He chuckled--decided to let that silly topic go. Some things were better left unsaid for they were just too inexplicable. 

They then continue their talk about their life again, and let the 'changes' hung between them. They were handed the answer back to the hand of time. At the end of the day, it would be the one that reveal which growth life put them into.

****

Someday, will I ever experience this kind of conversation?

Maybe it will be with my favorite cousin.

Or with my best friends from UK.

Or with my friends from high school.

Or with my friends from the law school both undergrad and master.

Or with him.

Abbi Glines

"Writing this second half of Grant and Harlow's story was a journey for me I didn't expect when I started. I've never cried so much while writing, editing, and rereading a book in my life..."

No wonder I cried alongside with her when I read her book. Life as a writer is a life that I always crave for. One day, after I have achieved my highest goal, I promised myself that I will build a beach house, live in there and have a very wide window where I can watch the golden hours everyday.

What will I do in that lovely home?

I will write for the rest of my life while taking a good care of my family. Oh and maybe be a guest lecturer in a law school sometimes. As simple as that. Nothing ambitious. Just living. Growing. Loving. And be happy while make others happy too...

Stunning Words

"What if there is nothing there?"

"What if there is everything?"

Forever a dreamer...

Faucet

My sister said that my heart was like a stone because I cannot cry easily.
She was wrong.

It would be correct if she added "in front of others' presence"
I cried when I needed to, sometime even when I needed not to.

But damn eyes. they were like a broken faucet sometime. Once they shed tears, there would not stop shortly.

Ah... maybe it was a reminder that naturally, human were not made to be a controller. Woe were us, because we could not even control our own body. Our emotion. Our feeling. Hence, ones could never claim to be the master of themselves.

What You Are Not What You Have

"The older you get, the more you realize that it isn't about

the material things, or pride or ego.

It's about our hearts and who they beat for..."

                                                          R.A.

Or interest.
Because it is love not politic nor utility.

Things I Want to Remember (3)

My dear Senorita.

I wanted to remember the last but not least morning coffee that we had. It was several hours before my departure and  I had the chance to enjoy the last cup of my favorite coffee: Creme Caramel. It was a rare occasion where I ordered my coffee along with delicious toasty bread with Nutella. She got a cup of hot tea and bread too.

The way she arranged her tea pot and put the jam on her toast--everything was perfectly in sync and in order because she was a perfectionist.

We talked and talked and talked but neither of us talked about goodbye.

We agreed that the concept of goodbye did not apply to us. It was true...


I missed her though. Really missed her.

He Wrote About Her

She walked through the night. She wanted to run real fast but she could not do that, she got her drunk friend in her arms. She held her really tight--ignoring the numb feeling in her heart. In the middle of the road, she hailed a cab--could no longer support her. She was really focused on her mission to get her best friend home.

Once they arrived in her best friend's house, she let her best friend emptied her stomach from the seven tequila shots in the bathroom. Patiently, she held her hair, and let her calmed her demanding stomach. After her best friend finished her fiesta in the toilet bowl, she prepared a chair near the sink. She wanted to washed her best friend's beautiful hair--did not want her hair tainted and got dirty by her own vomit.

She took care of her... fulfilling the need to take care of someone else so she could just ignore her own needs and pain. It was better this way--nursing someone so you forgot your own fresh wounds.

****

Somewhere, in a place where nobody knew where it was. He sat in His beautiful table. His right hand was now writing about her. He grimaced when He wrote about her day because on that day, He deemed that she deserved the truth. The truth that broke her heart severely. He knew it would hurt her so much, even the scar might remain for weeks, months, even years?

Nevertheless, He did it anyway.

Her story was already planned to go into 'that' direction.

He kept writing. He had not finished yet...not even close.

****

She walked through the airport, ready to leave everything behind. Yes, as dramatic as it sounded, the perfect term was 'everything'. She chuckled bitterly to herself. Once her friend told her to put her memories into several jars so when one was not working, she would not lose everything. Yet, her heart was too stubborn and her faith in him was blinding her sense.

As the result, here she was, walking slowly to her gate, greedily embracing the familiar atmosphere. Reminiscing like a moron. Hurting herself like a lunatic. Torturing her pride like a dummy.

Several months ago they were there. Several weeks ago he was there and in several days, he would be there again. And now, there she was, ready to leave.

One said that airport was the most emotionally terrifying place. It was the place of a proper hello and a proper goodbye. It was like a bank of affection and hatred. While in her case, she did not posses neither. All she had were the unclassified memories.

She knew somehow and someday she would come back to this airport again. Maybe there would be changes here and there. Maybe everything would be different--no, everything would certainly be different. When that time was coming, she was sure that she would soaked up all the memories in that airport with a dreamy smile, or even had the audacity to laugh at her old self--her current self.

But not today...

She could not bring herself to think about her situation that way.

When she arrived in the crowded gate, she glanced at her silent phone for hundred times that day. Her mom had been bombarded her with messages and calls--so did all her dear friends. But nothing came for him.

Several minutes before they announced her boarding, she called her provider to cut all her phone's service.

"Do you want me to deactivate it permanently, Ma'am?"

"Yes, please..."

And there. She did herself a favor--she freed herself from the torturing wait. She stood up, turned her phone off and entered the aircraft. When she was in the safety of her seat, she prayed that letting their story go would be as easy as crossing the gate's threshold. Secretly hopping that the threshold would restrain and bury the unclassified memories away. Separating and saving her from that familiar place.

A place where everything began sweetly and ended bitterly. Or so she thought...

****

He watched her. He let her processing all the pain He allowed her to feel. He wanted to feel the remorse inside but He knew better.

He knew way better than that.
He just wished she were strong enough to bear it longer, and survive.

Yes, He needed her to survive...

****

"Forget me!" She whispered sternly. Even the taste of her words were bitter in her tongue.
"No, I will never forget you..."

She was startled awake. The lights were dim inside the plane. She sighed... hating her usual nightmare and the fierce turbulence. She read in the screen that it was three hours away from home. Reluctantly, she raised from her couch. The plane was almost empty, she loved it. After 13 hours plane ride with a packed aircraft--where she had to cry silently and hid from all prying curious eyes--it was indeed a nice change. Slowly, she opened the window, watching the scarily empty pitch black sky.

She exhaled over and over again. Hopping the idea of going home would fulfill her emptiness.

She watched the dark sky--did not even realize what she caught and missed. She stared and stared and being less and less concern over the bad turbulence. Her eyes widened when she realized that she did not even fear the death at that moment. Maybe the pain was so bad, she just wanted it to go away. Not that she wanted to die, she just wanted it to stop effectively, immediately.

However, eventually she realized what she truly felt at the moment... it was nothing. She bowed her head, so the numb was back. She could not feel...again. It was like that day--the day of revelation.

She closed her eyes tightly and whispered desperately.

"God, how could I get here?"

****

He watched her.

It pained Him. It pained Him so much to see her that way. He really hoped she could see beyond all this mess. Yes, she had learned her lessons but He still waited for her to really fathom them. So, she would discover what His reasons really were one day.

There were days when He saw her smiled and laughed around her family and friends but He knew better. He smiled secretly, knowing that she would be fine at the end nonetheless. She was able because He already measured everything according to her capability. Deep down, He also knew that she needed this process. Everytime He saw how His plan seem to hurt her so bad, He kept reminding Himself that it was for her own good. He already planed everything perfectly... He even knew her heart better than herself.

However, there was one day where she was curled into a fetal position--mourning silently and quietly. She always referred her heart as a glass box. In the old days, she always believed that when someone broke her glass box, she would be the one who crawl and fix it, while He helped her through that painful process. In her head, He would put the bandage around her wounded hands. But she was always be the only fighter who fixed her broken glass box by herself, and He was the one who fueled her power and will.

But now... in her head, He could see how she pictured herself lying down near her shattered glass box. Her bloody hands were lifeless, and she just stared into space. Waiting for Him to strive for her... because she had no strength to struggle anymore. It felt like she was now handing over everything to Him. She surrendered because she did not have any energy left.

It was day like that when He wanted to take over her battlefield, but then it meant that He would fail Himself. He would ruin her greatest story. He would take away her chance to learn and grow, and it would be unfair for her.

He just loved her too much.

So, oh softly like a wind, He whispered to her, "We will process it together... I will always be there along the way."

He could see how she stopped sobbing for several seconds...and then sobbing harder. But this time He smiled, because He knew she was starting to get Him.

He would let her discover His plan layer by layer until she could fathom that He meant no harm. Until she understood that she was part of the bigger purpose. A purpose that He would reveal to her in His time.

****

The Happiest Day

I wrote this piece on November 2011. It was a long time ago. I originally wrote it in Bahasa but today, I felt like translate it to English. Ah, David Foster and his inspiring song...

---

I’ll be waiting for you here inside my heart

I’m the one who wants to love you more

You will see I can give you everything you need

Let me be the one to love you more…

                        To Love You More, David Foster

I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I wore a very pretty white dress, it was cut neatly and beautifully. There was a small lavender purple bow around my waist, it was surely complimenting the dress. I put a minimalist make up on my face simply because I was not the spotlight tonight.

Slowly, I lifted up my chin and look straightly into the mirror and then I smiled. I was practicing my smile today, yeah, a practice for the big day. Today was a happy day. Of course, you ought to put a full display happy smile on happy days. Right? It happened to me today, and obviously I wanted to smile happily.

I stole a glance outside the curtain in my room. The weather was a little cloudy. I thought it would be raining soon. Well, I hoped it would not because it would ruin the pretty decoration on the backyard. It was so magical and ready to welcome the guests.

The atmosphere was so sacred, I nervously thought about that. Well, maybe I should take a walk and a tour around this big Victorian house. I sighed and wore my white strap heels. 

As soon as I was outside of the safe cocoon of my room, I ventured a long and carpeted hallway. It occurred to me that this house gave me a strange feeling. An indefinite one. Nevertheless, in my heart, I knew that I would never forget about this place forever.

“Charsa?” His voice stopped me on my track.

I turned around and there he was. He wore a white tux that showed off his firm body perfectly. His face was clean from any facial hair. it was funny since he hated shaving so much. But today he shaved anyway. How could he not? Today was an exception. It was impossible for him to present himself less than that.

“Why didn’t you wear your tie?” I asked him—throw a menacing look on his incomplete outfit.

“Well, that’s exactly my problem. You know that I don’t know how to wear ties.” He said sheepishly.

I laughed and approached him.

“Would you please help me?” He asked while entering his room and giving me a gesture to follow him.

His room was really wide with gray and white wall. I could smell his familiar perfume combined with his natural masculine scent. His king size bed was covered by a lot of stuff. I realized that even when we only stayed in this house temporarily, it would not able to cover up his true nature. His room always messy just like the one in his apartment. Now, I just hoped that his characters will never be washed away, even after this day had passed away.

“Where is the tie?” I asked him, confused.

Like always, he could read my confusion. He smile shyly, red handed on his messy nature. He walked through his closet and took the hung white tie. He gave the tie and I put them on, around his neck.

I tidied it up, tried to find the ideal position. I could feel his stare while I busied myself with his tie.

“So, do you think that I make a mistake today?” He asked me suddenly,

I was taken aback by his question. I stared at his dark brown eyes—silently demanded him to elaborate his point.

“In your opinion, did I do the right thing? What if today was a big mistake? What if my feeling for her was only a temporary one?”

I smiled and continued to put his tie on.

“Why do you think like that?” I asked him, more relax.

“Umm... I don’t know.” He answered softly.

I sighed after I have made his tie nicely, and brought my attention back to his now frowning face. He looked so lost...

“Do you love her?” I asked him.

“Yes...” He answered immediately.

“Does she love you?”

“Yeah.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“I felt that love is not enough somehow.”

I dragged myself away from him and stared through the wide window. From that window I could see the hustle and bustle outside. My brain was scattered all over the places, looking for the right and wise answer for his question.

“No one ever deemed that love is enough, but deep down I always believe that it was a strong foundation nonetheless. I think there was nothing fulfilling in this world. Time will always demand every single thing to improve and expand themselves, including our life and our feeling. 

However, even the highest and strongest skyscraper needs foundation. Expansion and improvement will be in vain without a firm foundation. That is why I believe that somehow love is enough to begin with. And today is only the beginning...”

We both stared at each other for I did not know how long, until I launched another question for him.

“How could you be here today? Do you have any reason why are you here now?”

“Well, I'm because I love her. I believe this feeling has to be validated by doing the right thing. I am sure that me being here is part of the legitimization,” he answered me. I could feel him behind me, not so far away. I always could feel him.

“Sometimes we have to be able to distinguish between love and desire of ownership. Love is enough while ownership tendency always demands for more.” I laughed bitterly. “At first, you said to yourself that you want to own her heart. And then the feeling was expanding with the desire to claim her as your girlfriend, fiancee, and wife. It would not stop there because after that you wanted to have children together and so on and so forth until death tore you both apart. Love is simple but on the contrary, ownership always demands more and more. You will never get enough. We should be able to distinguish them.”

I turned and facing him, his face looked so devastated. I felt a pang of guilt for I felt responsible that he was now feeling less than happy. Hey, today was a happy day! I even spent a lot of time in front of the mirror practicing my best smile for this day. I even would love to be seen happy today. I did not want to be left out. No.

Especially him. He had to be happy today! It was a must.

I approached him and held his face in my palms tenderly.

“You will be fine...” I said sincerely.

“How do you know?” He asked me—desperately need a true answer.

“Because I know that this decision will make you happy.”

“How can you be so sure?”

I let go of his face and answered him, “Because my heart says so...”

He stared at me, I could see the huge epiphany dawned to his face. He smiled and pulled me into his warm embrace. His warm enveloped me tightly. I closed my eyes, tried to give all my strength and positive energy to him.

He let go of me and said, “Let’s do this!”

And with that, he walked through the door without a second glance. Leaving me standing and watching his back while smiling.

When his door was closed and he disappeared from my sight, I allowed my tears to flow freely. It had been a long time since I prevented it and forced myself to erase the loss in my heart. But today, I after I watched his back disappeared from my sight... I realized that the elegy was there.

Not long time after that, I could hear Canon in D vaguely from the small orchestra downstairs. I ran fast to the window and peeked through the thin white curtain. I could see that he stood before the altar—a glass altar decorated with white and purple bow. That altar was the destination of the red carpet. A wise and commanding reverent was standing behind the altar and smiled encouragingly. He was ready to present the sacred ceremony.

I watched a woman with a long white dress walked down the aisle. Her face was covered by a white lace veil. There was a bucket of pink roses in his hand. The beautiful orchestra escorted her steps... one by one to be with him. Behind her was her bridesmaid. Once she was in the altar, he took her hands and smiled down at her lovingly.

“Love? My love for you was enough and I was the one who decide to love you more. I should be here to make sure that today is happening. Your happy day should be commenced no matter what...”

Slowly, I wiped my tears away and turned around. I soaked up the sight of his room, trying to memorize his scent before I gave up and walked back to my room. Once I entered my room, I was suffocated by the feeling of being alienated. And this house... was the vessel of my alienation.

Maybe because there was no place left for me in this house anymore.

Suddenly a realization hit me. I should be there! I should watched his happiness. I should not watch his happiness from afar. It was wrong! I should be the witness of his glee. And maybe... I could be a part of it. If I did really love him, I ought to be happy with him.

I flee out of my room—running to the backyard. Once I was there, I saw that everyone watched them exchanging the holy wedding vow sweetly. He said his vow whole lovingly stared at that woman.

I sat myself in the white wood chair in the back, near the aisle without taking my eyes off him. I memorized his happy and loving face carefully. Every details... I forced my brain to remember it.

“I now pronounce you as husband and wife...”

He kissed that woman... and I watched him. I watched his happiness.

Hand in hand they walked down the aisle. He was now a husband with his wife in his arms. Their steps were accompanied by the lovely music from the orchestra and glorious applause and whistles from the guests.

He was happy. Yes, he was happy.

I stood there, saw him got closer to me. I smiled when he was standing before me.

“Thank you for being the constant in my life, Charsa...” He said while squeezing my hand for several seconds before looking at his wife tenderly.

This was enough.

I watched his leaving once more, he radiated the happiness gesture—made me wanted to hold myself with glee.

Yes, this was enough.

Finally, I left the backyard and came back to the strange house. There were waiters and waitress alongside with the event organizer insider—busy to prepare the reception. I slowly blended with them and went straight to the stairs. Aimed for my room—one of those doors in the lonely hallway.

I could feel there was a strange feeling crept upon my heart. That feeling was so different with the feeling that I felt when I put his tie on.

I could feel that my heart was no longer empty, I was happy in my own way. I could be happy because I loved him sincerely and without any doubt and arrogance.

I entered my room, the second door on the left. I wore my leather jacket and took my packed brown luggage. I was ready to leave now because my duty to ensure his happiness was done.

Before I went out of the room, I caught my reflection in the mirror. For the first time since the invitation arrived at my flat, I finally smiled happily...sincerely.

It turned out my endless practice for this happy day—well, his happy day—was useless because I was now understand that only his happiness could make my happiness bloom.

Finally... we both were happy, even with a whole different reason.

I closed the door and walked away. Leaving him with his happiness while holding my happiness tightly in my hands...

~FIN~