Within

She sat in a bench near the lovely park in one fine spring afternoon, watching that guy lied down in a grass from afar. He was smiling and sometime even laughing. It was weird though--seeing him from the distance. She shrugged off her strange feeling and simply made the most of her time there. She sipped her delicious ice peach tea while keep staring at him. It seem like she could not take her eyes off him. He was so captivating. He hypnotized her...

There, he was smiling again. Maybe he was in love. Or maybe he was content. Or maybe he was getting what he wanted. Or maybe his life was perfect. Or maybe he was simply being happy... without her. But most importantly, he was happy though!

Yet, she could not smile along with him. It was strange that his happiness was not triggering hers. It was surprisingly not contagious. Now that life had granted her wish--his happiness, she was neither happy nor sad about that. It was simply satisfying her though.

Satisfaction.

She sighed and finally looked down to her book. A book that she did not even read--she was just really put all of her attention on him. She almost forgot everything else.

Her mind was running so far away--wondering why she was not happy right now. Ideally, his happiness should have made her happy too. Right?

She did not like satisfaction...at least not this kind of satisfaction.

Eventually, the golden hour shone upon her fingers. It warmed her... the glimmering lights made her feel content. And suddenly, an epiphany struck her. As strong as lightning thunder and as gentle as the wind...

She wanted to be happy too.

That was why she did not like the satisfaction. It was simply not enough. She prayed for his happiness because she thought it would make her happy too--but no. It was not. She was wrong.

Was she too selfish? Was she too egoist? Was it just...normal?

She sighed dejectedly. Apparently, she had reached the temporary conclusion. A conclusion that would keep her occupied: she would not think about him nor extending their story. She needed to stop prolonging something that was not there anymore. The idea of their twisted plot became so old and nauseating. There was no reason to hold on it anymore for now... Yes, she would still label the end of the story with 'for now' nonetheless.

And the dusk fell upon the lovely park.

She gave him her last glance--determined to no longer watching him in the near future.
She closed her book and stood up.

Leaving him with his happiness.
At least now that she knew that he was well, she could leave with peace in her heart.

She walked away. Hopefully, life would be kind enough to give her happiness.

Yes, she wanted to be happy too...just like him.

It Ain't Pretty

"Had a feeling, I was feeling alright but it just happened to be Saturday night. I put my lipstick on a little too bright then I took a deep breathe and started to drive. He'd let me in without a cover charge. Found my way to the back of the bar. Peeled the corners of a cocktail napkin, watching everybody smiling, laughing.

I just bought a drink downtown all alone. Searching through the names, getting lost in my cellphone.

I made my way to the bathroom mirror. Standing next to some girl spilling beer. She didn't notice I was drying my tears. Just look at me now, God, how'd I get here?

'Cause I just kissed a boy and I barely even knew his name. I let him take me by the hand, hold me close while our old song played.

I almost dialed your number to remind what you did but I think it might be better to just let this night end. So, I just called a cab outside, it's starting to rain. I got my high heels in my hand--I'm ready for the walk of shame... It ain't pretty when a heart breaks."

Lady Antebellum

His Poker Face

Today was just his day and his best luck, despite of his tormented heart. Ah heart, as if that shredded 'thing' could still be called as 'heart'.

He smiled like no other. His cards were just invented by god of luck. He won every game and well, no one could beat him. He basked into girls' attention. Blew by blew, the more he won, the more girls lurked into his side. Typical.

They touched him intimately, suggested a sensuous promise that most likely be fulfilled tonight if he let them. While they fought each other to get his attention best, he could not help but stole a glance to her table.

She seem upset--he knew whenever she was frustrated: she simply smoked. He then turned his attention back to the table. It was better if she did not regard his dark mood. He did not like it if she could see through him.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

He started to get tired and fed up with the crowd nevertheless. Unfortunately, he could not leave the table grumpily--not within her sight.

From the corner of his sight he saw she finally left her table rather hastily. Like her seat was on fire. Unbeknown to her, he was aware of her glances upon him several seconds and he, of course, made every second counted.

He put his best poker face...

However, once she left, he let his pain ate him alive.

It was time to escape!

He  rudely shrugged off all the filthy hands and collected his coins. Did not even bother to say goodbye to his fellow poker players, he left the table. He simply wanted to go and be himself...swallowed by his messy feeling.

***

From afar... he saw her crying through the night. She hugged her knees in the corner bench, while watching the dancing fountain. She did not smoke--she just simply sitting there and let her pain ruled over her pride.

Him?

He watched her downfall like she was his favorite silent movie.

While inside, he felt that he was also breaking slowly.

And the night went by, failed to answer why they both were put in that torturing complicated fate.

Her Poker Night

She hid her cards--did not want to play anymore. It was a bad night for her. She sighed resignedly while closed her game, and drunk her sparkling wine in one full gulp.

She hated tonight's game. It ruined her mood.

Slowly, yet desperately, she smoked her slim cigarette. Unwilling to remove it from her bright red lips too fast--it was better to delay reality and her loss. After dramatically blew the smoke upon the gentleman beside her, she pushed all of her coins--did not really care about the money. She just hated that she took the game by heart, it wounded her pride severely. 

She left the table rather grumpily, and unceremoniously threw her half full cigarette to the nearest ashtray on the table. 

Her anger was burnt, especially after she stole a cynic glance to his table.

A table full of girls pinning after him. He, of course, was just greedily raking all the coins--showed off his victory. Girls were touching him flirtatiously, ready to please him in any way they could get from him. And that bastard of course smiled like a Cheshire cat--soaking all the fake adoration. She bet he was so ready to enjoy his glamorous night with money and girls and other artificial pleasure.

She had to restrain herself from spitting to the casino's expensive carpet. She was disgusted. Disgusted by her bad luck that night and his satisfactory smile. But most of all, she was disgusted by how much he was still affecting her.

One could not bear anymore wounded dignity, she left the room hastily. Ready to end the night and swallowed by her craziness--craziness of falling with the master of poker.

Just The Memory of Faces At Last

It was one hour and thirty one minutes before home. I honestly did not know what to feel. My thoughts were all over places. Maybe because the fact that I had not had any ‘after’ life that I looked forward to have. Yeah, I planned to travel but we never knew whether I would be. I would like to, but we’d see.

On my flight from Detroit to Seoul, I watched Cinderella (again) and Begin Again (again). I knew that I was weird. It was always like that with me. I prefer to watch movies that I like over and over again or watched something familiar.

Hmm... familiarity?

Maybe that was my problem. I was afraid that as soon as I stepped my feet in Jakarta, I did not feel the familiarity anymore. Yes, it took time for sure. But what if I lost it? To whom I would share my life in Ann Arbor with? But then... weren’t we all once a stranger?

Again, it was one hour and thirty one minutes before my plane landed in Jakarta when I realized that it was time to go back. I finally accepted it. The thought was funny though: you would adjust to your ‘previous’ life. You would be a ‘stranger’ in your familiarity. Nevertheless... it was real. Indonesia was real. Jakarta was real.

While Ann Arbor... what happened there was real but it was all temporary. But weren’t everything were temporary nevertheless? Then, why did I have to be so afraid? I had been through this situation once: the life after Jogjakarta. Then, why did I have to be so afraid now?

Maybe...

Maybe because there was no reminder of Ann Arbor in Jakarta. Once I stepped back in this megapolitan city, nothing could remind me of ‘The Tale of Ann Arbor’. Nothing could tie me down. Nothing could rule over me anymore. Nothing could trigger my roller coaster mood and energy. Nothing could make me cry suddenly. Nothing could give a small smile in my face. Nothing could hurt me the way places in Ann Arbor did. But then, I wondered again, wasn’t it a good thing? Because I did not have to put a lot of effort to forget? For life already erased them slowly for me.

I honestly did not have any answer for that. 

Smiles

I knew her from the very beginning of my law school life. She was one of my first friends in Ann Arbor. We always said that to each other because it was true... we met before we met everyone else.

And the day before I left, I met her again for a ‘tea and cheese cake’ time. I thought it was becoming our thing—tea and cheese cake. A thing that (sadly) we formed together merely before the end of the program. But I would not blame myself, or even the situation, for everything happened for a reason.

However, there was something different on our last (but not least) tea and cheese cake routine. I felt like we both finally destroyed the barriers and reservations that we had. I could talk how awful it felt to leave Ann Arbor—something that I could not articulate verbally to anyone else. She let me said everything that I wanted to say. Usually, I said everything to him... but that day, it was her. I did not say that she was his substitute, but then I felt that I found solace through her presence.

It was something that I admired from her though, she never judged... She never did. I guess, that was also why she loved NYC because there was no judgmental mind in NYC. Just like what she said, if I may quote it, “you can dress or act whatever you want and no one would judge you: no one would stare at you, nor talk about you behind your back, and no one would point out their figure over every eccentric behavior.”

It was a fascinating reason.

Although I hated NYC, but it was always hold a special place in my heart--I couldn't lie about it. It was like a love-hate relationship—when you hated it but you were also addicted to it at the same time. Ah, NYC... you crazy NYC!

After the great talk over a cup of tea and some bites of sweet cheese cake—we went to the place where we first met: the Law Quad.

I thought it was the perfect place to have a proper ‘I’ll see you soon’ with her.

When it was time, she said something that moved me deeply...

“Keep smiling! You have a very cheerful and beautiful smile. Whenever I met you, even during the stressful time, you’re smiling at me and it somehow has a way to cheer me up. Please don’t stop...”

“I did not realize about that because this semester was really tough for me...”

“Then you were that strong! Even when you’ve been through tough time, you’re still able to smile like that!”

And then... I cried in her arms.

It felt like a realization; when both what you have done and what you have worked on for were not taken for granted. It was so splendid to discover that an effort that you thought you were doing for yourself also had a good impact on others.

You might be in pain, but when you chose to be happy anyway, you also touched others with your happiness. Because apparently, that happiness that I chose at that time was for real. The pain was also real, but if I did not give any power to that feeling--it, hence, had no power to hurt me.

As simple as that.

Happened

Funny how ‘it’s just happened’ was being used whenever you could not explain your situation any further.

In ‘Begin Again’, this line was said by Dave when Gretta found out that he was with another woman.

“It’s just happened...”

I wished there were further explanation for her though, so Gretta would not be feeling so bad. So heartbroken, while she didn’t know whether what ‘happened’ worth to destroy what they have. But then, that was what I like from ‘Begin Again’—the movie taught you the art of letting go and forgiveness.

I was just so sorry that Gretta left Dave nonetheless at the end—even when he was no longer with Mim. She simply could not trust Dave anymore... it was irreparable, wasn’t it?

However, just like what their song said:

 “Woe is me if we’re not careful turn into reality. Don’t you dare let our best memories bring you sorrow... Turn the page maybe we’ll find a brand new ending where we’re dancing in our tears.”

It was for the best.

I am sure one day, those lost stars will be found. Right, Gretta?

Receiving the Best Memories

I got it in my hands.

The ones that you also possess.

and... I am so sorry that we end up like this.

I really am sorry.

And Finally The 'love at first sight' Has Name

I remembered I posted something about putting huge expectation over my solo trip. It turned out that it was not the solo trip, it was this next trip that fulfilled that expectation.

I was not going alone this time, it was a very far destination--eight hours drive to be precised. And you could only reach the place by driving and I could not drive. So yeah, it was only make sense if it was not another solo trip. We also only spent three days in the North, not the ideal numbers to embrace all the beauties in there, but I would not dare to complain.

However, through this very short trip... I discovered a lot. I thought more than I was allowed to. Aha! Not a good sign, wasn't it? I guess it was okay.

There was a night, it was in the second day of our exploration, we went to a small town called Marquette. When we drove through the downtown and then... I was gone.

It was a very pretty small town. Some people might say that I was exaggerating, other might say that they had seen better, but me... I was so in love it made me unable to think clearly. It was like the perfect realization of an imaginary town that I have created in my novel day by day.

The town was near the beach. There were a lot of small stores and small boats along the shore. They were so fascinating! You could walk along them, or just sat there--enjoying the fantastic view of the magnificent lake.

There were a lot of small buildings. The golden hours complimented their shapes beautifully. Even they built the library in a very classy way!

I could imagine myself living there for a week or two. Staying in one of those affordable airbnb rooms. Talking to strangers or even creating a very quick friendship. Running along the shore every morning. Walking around downtown every afternoon. Sitting in the coffee shop. Eating in a beautiful restaurant near the beach. Having my favorite spot in the coffee shop--most likely near with the big wide window. Sipping my coffee during the cloudy or rainy days. Writing my novel because I was simply so inspired by this small town.

Oh boy, I thought I was just struck by the 'love at first sight' curse! Well, since I never believed in it, but then here came... Marquette. You sneaky little Marquette!

D's Words

"So now I  know how it feels like to be taken for granted..."



and deal with it.
and try to believe and open up again.
and try to forgive more.
gosh. that bad, huh?

Dear Insecurity

"Heard a story the other day took place at the local VA, a father talking to his dying son. This was his conversation:

'It's not supposed to be like this, you can't go first I can't handle this!'

The boy said,

'Dad now don't you cry. Remember when I was a child you used to tell me when I'd ask why?

You'd say gravity is gravity, it doesn't try to pull you down.

Stone is stone, it can't help but hold its ground. The wind just blows, though you can't see. It's everywhere like I'll always be. You already are what you are and what you are... is strong enough...'

Look in the mirror, now that's another story to tell.
I give love to others but I give myself hell.
I'd have to tell myself, 'In every scene there's a perfect plan'...
Everything I hoped to be I already am."

~Jewel

Incompatibility

"It was just like two wrong jigsaws. It might look like the perfect match, but in the end, the puzzle would be incomplete and ruined when we paired them together.

It was just incompatible."

She said.

And I frowned.

I did not like it at the moment.

But then... I think it was true, wasn't it?

One Fine Afternoon

There was this girl, laying in the freshly cut grass. She blocked the sun with her pretty cat-eye shape sunglasses, but on top of that, she got a good book in her hand. It was a book full of poets. It either made her eyes teary or just simply gave her a sweet smile.

After several minutes, she put down her book, closed her eyes and sighed contently.

It was a wonderful life indeed...

Things I Want to Remember (2)

Walking through drizzly raining in the wet peaceful soil of Ann Arbor--under my blue and yellow umbrella. I wished I could wear only a hoodie but unfortunately, my health was not really that fit at the moment.

Then fulfilling my crave over a cheap but good pizza that I could buy in the corner of my street.

The person that served me smiled warmly and asked me where I was coming from? I said Indonesia and he repeated the name of my country.

He asked me to signed the bill and I gave him $1 as a tip. When he checked the bill, he looked at me and said, "You touch my heart so much! Here I give you another pizza!"

I was taken aback, surprised. I gave him $1 and he gave me $2 pizza in return--I spoke my thought out loud.

He just said, "No, no worries! You touch my heart so much so why not..."

Usually when a guy (particularly a stranger) did that to me, I would say that was creepy--but I sensed sincerity in his gesture that made me less weary.

Then I thanked him and wished him a good night.

When I walked back home, I thought to myself...

Maybe we touched hearts at some points in our live but we never realize about it.
Should we or should we not realize about that?

There was no 'should' or 'should not', just simply appreciate the kind gesture from those people and keep touching people's heart consciously or unconsciously--by present them the best version of ourselves every single time. Treat them with kindness like we want to be treated.

Because "character is how you treat those who can do nothing for you" and if I might add, also when you treat those who can do something for you.

Both requires genuineness from our part.

That was the way to be really remarkable in someone else's life.

Solo Trip

Finally I am able to write the update about the famous 'Solo Trip' with hastag #PSDay in Instagram. I was so crazy and pretend to act like an actress or some random famous people with all the hastag stuff...anyway that is not the problem here and I know it was too much and foolish but... it was fun! Ha!

I would love to share several experiences that I have during my solo trip. Some might say that I overreacted over the solo trip but the first would always be the first nonetheless. So please bear with me and my overreaction-ness. New word was invented!

The first day, I was scared. Of course I was! I was staying in an apartment with a stranger but it turned out to be good. Even when I should be really aware of my surrounding everytimen I walked back home during the night, but then I overcame that feeling. It was... crazy.

I enjoyed the city so much.

Due to the unfortunate delay of my airlines, I did not have much chance to explore on the first day; I only dined in and went back to the apartment.

During this solo trip, there were several struggle that I should overcome. Basically this solo trip was intended for me to learn how to save, find and know myself more. Not only that, I thought during a solo trip, you were also  challenging yourself t:

First, feeling content even when you miss and wish your significant others were there.

Second, not feeling lonely in the middle of the crowd.

Third, able to entertain your own self.

Fourth, capable to appreciate all the simple beauties around you and be inspired over them!

It was... hard!

LOL.

People said ( I thought I had mentioned about it in my previous post) that your biggest enemy was staring at you in the mirror. Yes, it was yourself. Sometime your brain tortured you by thinking too much and brought all the bad memories back. Or your heart was being the beast that it was, uncontrollably demanded something that you could not afford at that time. That was why I found those four things were so hard to comply.

But then...

At some point, during the trip I was able to accomplish them.

I even found my new strength and weakness or any other non-sense detail about my self that I was not aware before.

For example, I hated to ask people to take pictures of me! All I wanted was taking picture of my surrounding but then my Mom commanded (yes, you read it right) me to take pictures of myself. I did not want to do selfie during that travel, it was kind of embarrassing and showed that you were really lonely. But hell, I thought, it was my solo traveling; I could do whatever I want.

I did not do selfie too much though, I did some sel-video-fie more!

It was fun to discover yourself more. It was great to know your limit. It was excellent to accept reality that there were a lot of problem that could only be overcame by time.

Honestly, before this solo trip I put a high expectation over myself to solve some issues in me. I relied so much and believed that life would do its magic through this traveling. But bummm! It did not work like that.

Traveling should not be an  'escape'--every traveler understood that traveling was about discovery not a cowardly flee move. You discovered other places, new people, new culture and yes, put 'new' or 'unknown' before every word. You traveled not to run away from your life, but to expand it by discovering many new things.

It also applied to ourselves.

During that solo trip, I realized that I should have done it not to escape from what I felt and what I suffered, but conversely, I should be able to face my self--all of them. To discover what I really want. What I really need. If those issues that we suffered were then overcame after that, it was because we first had discovered ourselves. Those positive result were only the positive impact of knowing ourselves more through the solo traveling.

Was it too philosophical?

=)

Things I Want to Remember (1)

I want to remember tonight. When I talked randomly--nothing personal. Nothing really deep. Just laughed out loud about small non-sense joke. A casual conversation as a light refreshment.

It was almost mid night and I walked around Ann Arbor with her--eating a bag of potato chip, simply avoided to go home.

Incapability

“When you forgive someone, the love of God will cover your heart and fill it with peace. After that, you will no longer have any capability to hate someone. You forgive and... you forget. You will no longer remember the way they hurt you. Even, it will feel like they never hurt you at all... That’s why forgiving is the hardest deed ever.”

There was one time when my Dad attended a Sunday service. He told me, during the mass, there was a lady shared her story about how his husband hurt her physically and tortured her mentally. But even then, every night in her prayer; she never prayed to God to take his life away by death and free her from his torture--but she prayed, despite of what he had done to her, she wanted God to fill her heart with His love. Hence, she would be able to endure the pain and forgiving her husband nonetheless, even when he tortured her.

Some would say that she was a fool. Some would judge her. I mean, she could just simply leave her husband. Remove him from her life and hate him completely. He deserved it though!

But then... she would abandon her marriage vow, wouldn't she? Her hatred would overcome her love and devotion for a marriage that was created once in her life time, wasn't it?

It was not her fault if she wanted to fight for what she believed and what she treasured.

When I heard the story, I cried so hard. I thought: how could God give human a capability to forgive like that. A capability that make your heart incapable to hate someone that hurt you so badly.

Well, maybe because He was there to help a willing human to love beyond hatred. To fathom their problem beyond the mess. To believe in Him beyond reality. To let Him help them beyond their logic.

I want to learn.

I want to learn... I want to learn how to be incapable to hate someone else. 

I want to learn how to forgive and forget.

I want to learn.

I do really want to learn...

And one day, I will succeed.