H-10

And the emotional storm goes away...

Washed away by the gentle waive of peacefulness.

And the emotional storm goes away...

Leaving the calm sea as it was before.

And the emotional storm goes away...

But they are still waiting for the rainbow to come out and the heat of the sun to be swallowed by the tranquil ocean.

H-12

It was so beautiful to discover that you adore Him like I do.
It was so peaceful to witness you kneel before Him.
It was so calming to watch you pray to Him.
It was so fascinating to know that you have faith in Him.

Memories that I will cherish...

My heart is so content and for me, it is enough.
I am sufficiently complete.

Now Time, you have no power against me...so do you (sadly).

H-14

OMG IT'S 2 WEEKS LEFT FROM GRADUATION!

Okay... okay, calm down. We are already established that we will ignore the time and live the moment. And no, I already wrote about time 2 days ago and I don't wanna talk about it further.

So, today I randomly want to talk about distraction. It might be a little self-centric and random post. Well, it is about time a 24 years old girl talks about something crazy and meaningless. So dear kind sir/madame, please allow me to do so.

With this post, I would like to list something or someone that distracts me most of the time:

Firstly, it is hot cars!

Well, not a big surprise. I love cars! Especially those sport and sexy or classy and elegant kind of cars. Sometime it is bad; I always zoned out--even in the middle of a very interesting, intense, serious--you name it, kind of conversation. It is like those kind of cars hypnotize me with their beauties! Yes, definitely a beauty!

Secondly, cutie pie kids!

I love kids. I like when they looked at me and laugh when I give them funny faces. Or even when I just smiled at them and they smiled back at me. It warms my heart--like really. Playing with kids are a great joy. Some people say that they are annoying, for me they are just being a little guy and girl. They are just being kids and they are perfect. Their behavior is magical. They smell so good and make you feel content. It feels so good when they just lay their little head on you--you will feel needed. And that is a great uncomplicated joy.

Thirdly, dogs!

I am totally and devotedly a dog person. I don't think it will ever change. Dogs are the best creature God ever invented. They are loyal. They are loving, they even capable to love you more than they love themselves. They can detect your emotion. They make everything better. Their eyes are so sincere. The way they greet you when you just arrived--even when you just leave them for one hour, they greet you like you've been gone forever. Their loyalty knows no bound. They are the protector. They are best friends. They are your family. They are just...them.

I miss my dog and yes, I hope she will always believe that I will come home soon. I hope she will know that I miss her like she misses me. I hope she will still wake me up in the morning when I'm finally home. I hope she will greet me just the same when I come back home... I miss her. Like crazy. The best friend who stayed all night with me when I wrote my university application. The one who refused to leave my side even if she got the chance to sleep at my parents' room (her favorite place to sleep). The one who stayed calm when I hugged her real hard--cried like a lunatic because of NYU's rejection. The one who always loves me despite of my craziness... I just miss her.

Fourthly, an in love couple!

I am not a big fan of PDA. Like really--but when they do it sweetly, I can't help but smile along with their happiness. One day I sat in a coffee shop, near the wide window. There were an old couple, walked slowly to cross the street. When they were in the pavement, the woman just tidying up her partner's jacket, while the man looked at her so lovingly. They then walked away, holding hands. So beautiful. 

The other day, I watched a young couple around my age, they sat in a coffee shop. Both of them were so focus on their own work, but what I like from this couple; they just worked there and did not even touch their phone. They were busy with their own world but still be there for each other. It is like my ideal idea of relationship. When you do not make your partner as your world, but your satellite. It means you got control on your world but he will always be there. You guys are busy building your empire until the time come to combine it. Equally. Co-dependent but not loosing yourself and independence.

Back to the young couple, not long after that, the girl bought a cup of coffee/hot chocolate, I was not really sure. She put the giant cup on the table, between him and her. They then talked while took turn to sip the warm liquid from that cup. Talked...communication. It is greater and sweeter, hell even more powerful than physical contact or other kind of PDA. They sparked chemistry that belonged only to the two of them. I love how chemistry was apparent even when you did not intent to show it off to the world.

Fifthly, cute and unique little shops!

I like shopping, but only for something that really really catchs my eyes. However, I also like to walk around and do a window shopping. I like to pay an extra attention to a cute decorative shop. Whatever the shop it might be; clothing, bookstore (GOSH I LOVE GREAT BOOKSTORE), tea-shop, shoes shop..etc.

Sixth, a well-dressed woman with an elegant attitude!

I am a big fan of charisma, smart brain, positive energy and strong  personality woman! I was hesitating to put the 'well-dressed' aspect in there though. Because in my opinion, a woman who has the great energy in herself does not need an 'amazing' dress to define her great vibe. The fact that they are comfortable with their own skin and style are already a major point for me. 

However, I realize--that human tends to be artificial. A woman who understands how to articulate and present herself through the way she dressed up or put her make up on; also deserves to be rewarded major points. BUT! Ladies, please do not let anyone dictate how you should dress yourself because those pretty dresses do not define who you are! Meanwhile, please dress how you want to be address too! Respect and be comfortable with yourself...that is how it really works.

And what else?

Hmmm... cute guy? Hot guy? Beautiful guy? Clean guy? Well, everything about male species, I will not lie that somehow they distract me. How can you not be distracted when John Mayer walks in front of you? Or Leonardo DiCaprio? Or...well, the list is endless. LOL. However, there is a special condition for men to be able to distract me subsequently. When they open their mouth, they should able to say remarkable and smart words. Well, I could not help but be mainstream... For me, a smart guy is so so so so sexy and distracting! And when they are not talking, they can just sit there and read a good book. Well well well... let's stop this topic before everything is getting out of control ;)

H-16

I do not know how to treat time when it is running away.
I do not know how to treat the last glance.
I do not know how to treat the last chat.
I do not know how to treat the last stare.
I do not know how to treat the last conversation.
I do not know how to treat the last smile.
I do not know how to treat you...

T i m e

How could it fly away when no one really chase her?
Why can't she be gentle when she already tired of fighting?
How could it be so hard when it's supposed to be easy?

I wish it could be different.
I wish my power would last longer to keep the battle in place.
I wish...

But no.
No more.

It is better this way...

Let's treat time like she is a stranger.
Let's stop counting her steps.
Let's stop listening to her 'tick tock tick tock' awful song.

Let's just live the now...
Our kind of 'now', whatever it might be.

Hopefully time would understand that not everyone can keep up with her.
Hopefully time would answer millions of unsaid questions.
Hopefully that hurtful 'tick tock' notes would turn to be the joyful ones.

Stop seeking for an extra attention, Time!
Some people just want to live the now, not running away!

H-17

He walked through the rain. He cursed upon the rain so much that he was so sure he would go to hell because of that. Today was just one of those days when he just wanted to be inside his warm place and sipped upon a cup of nice tea. The luxury of doing nothing. Just enjoyed some good life. But well, life was not really gentle to him nowadays. He felt that he had to run, yet running was still not fast enough. It was beyond crazy. He missed his life--like really a life, but well, it was definitely not this time.

Suddenly he stopped his steps.

Not really far from him, he saw her. Waiting for the traffic light to turn green, with her bright yellow umbrella--so eye-catching in the middle of this grey weather. Like a sun. He caught her little smile before slowly, oh slowly, she put her hand out of her umbrella to feel the rain. It was like she wanted to touch the drizzles. Her hand was instantly wet, yet she took it back under her bright color umbrella and smiled wider to herself.

How could someone smile in the middle of this depressed weather?

He shook his head, still stared at her like a fool...and then finally let himself to smile.
That girl, always able to make him smile. It was crazy.

Well, maybe it was time to finally say hello to her. And there he went, under her umbrella...

"Hello..."

She looked up to him and, yeah, her smile got bigger.

Damn!
She was really a sunshine.

His sunshine.

H-17

She walked through the rain. The wind swayed her umbrella gently. Her steps were steady despite of the wet ground and shoot, her boots were now soaked. However, she did not really care. She liked the rain. She liked how warm her heart because of the rain. She was so weird, how could she loved a weather that people cursed upon. But she liked it anyway. She liked how the grey cloudy sky brought out the melancholic in her. She liked it when she could think of something real happy despite of this depressing sky and the melancholic inside her.

Today she was feeling so complete, it was ridiculous.

Even when he was not there...

H-19

H-26

Vulnerable.

That word is echoing in my head over and over again. It was a terrible echo because right now I just feel that way. I hate to acknowledge my vulnerability, especially when I thought that everything is under control. No, there is no control apparently. You cannot control anything. not even yourself. Then the control generates fear. A fear of being vulnerable. Without control, you cannot predict. You can no longer know what to prevent and what to overcome. It is so scary that you want to run. You want to run so bad...but how? How can you run from yourself? How can you save you from yourself? It is just impossible. How can you fight your pain when it is there, rooting like a cancer. Undermining your guts and damaging your brain. You cannot think. You cannot do anything about that... but you can only feel.

Maybe this is the reason why people is running from their own feeling. They shield themselves by denying their own feeling. They do not want to take any chance to embrace their feeling simply because they will make you vulnerable.

Vulnerability.

I want to feel despite all of these frightening consequences.
I want to feel despite of this pain.

There is a quote from a book that I do really really adore; The Fault in Our Stars. Where John Green wrote beautifully about how pain is bearable. How Hazel Grace is the living proof that even if it hurts so bad, you can still live with pain. Yes, it demands to be felt but then you can also face it bravely and still live your life anyway.

This is the shits that I always tell myself. Yeah, this time is just my turn. My turn to face this hard time. Like any other human. When you feel the loss and then watch his back from afar. How someone that you value so much just go away from your life. How that someone can just easily remove you from his mind, his heart (maybe) and finally his life. How two people that used to be so close just grow apart.

Vulnerable.

Loss.
Pain.

It is okay to be vulnerable.
To embrace your feeling.
And let it go eventually...

***

"Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers that I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters that he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful..."

and finally...

"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world but you do have some say in who hurts you."

***

H-31

Today I witnessed something simple yet so beautiful. I was reading in the corner table while eating my 'okay' lunch. Not too far from me, there was a young man sat in the sofa. He was also reading his book--He was an undergrad, I guessed. He was so serious, and he blocked people out with his ear-phone--well, like I always did when I was studying.

Eventually, there was a woman--maybe in the middle of her 40 sat in front of him. He did not realize her presence at first; the woman smiled at him so lovingly before poked him in her knee. That young man then looked at her and...

"Mom! Mom, you are here!"

Then the woman stood, followed by the young man. She hugged him so tightly, then the young man let go a little bit before saying... "Mom! You are here, how are you, Mom?"

"I'm good. And yes, I found you!"

And then he hugged her again.

That scene brought a teary smile to my face and maybe my soul. Yes, a dangerous kind of teary smile in the middle of Michigan Union. I tried so hard not to break down though.

I miss my mom...