H-45

He looked himself in the mirror. His black tie seems fine. He put his best suit today. It was weird actually, he never thought that he would wear this suit for this moment. He smiled ironically while tidying up his cuff link.

That cuff link. His favorite and her favorite.

Her.

He let every single memories about that small girl; with long hair and a smile like a sun in a beautiful sunny day. Everytime he stared at her, he always wanted to smile because her laugh was just contagious. She made him wanted to protect her. She was...his personal angel. Always brought up the best of him. She was his light... she was the sun in his universe.

In the winter, you always wished that she stayed longer. Hugging you with her warmness. In the summer, when she wanted to, she could make your life a living hell. But that what she was all about. She was both describable and indescribable feelings that he had.

A girl... no, she was too tough to be called a girl. She was a woman. His woman.

A woman that drove him insane. Frustrating him like no others. Dragged him to every single edge of his comfort zone. Challenged him whenever she had the chance to do so. She was just... his perfect opposite. She was the rule breaker. Every doctrines that he grew up with had no power against her.

She was the new question mark in his life.

No, not because she made him confuse with his life, simply because she made him wanted to doubt every single principle that he held fast for so long. Doubt every fear that made him comfortable with the way he lived his life. Yes, fear. He needed those fears to protect him from harm that he had in his beautiful mind.

Meh.
He chuckled. How could a woman always say to him that he had beautiful mind when all he done was hurting her? Because this brave woman was too stubborn to give him up. He hurt her over and over again just to make her and his feeling go away. She was the medium of feeling. She scared the living daylight out of him. He hated feeling. Feeling was weakness. Feeling was...taboo.

He just wanted her to stop her attempts to crumble down his thick wall. Well, even thick was understatement.

Yes, voila! Then he hurt her. Hurting her badly that it hurt him right now.
The guilt twisted his stomach and made it harder to breath.

He narrowed his eyes in the mirror. If the reflection was real, he would gladly punch that guy just to ease away his clouded judgement.

Well, today everyone expected him to see clear.
Because today... today was that day.

Knock knock.

"Enter..." he saw the door expectantly. This was it.

"Arya, it's time," his mother gave him a sad smile.

Hell, everyone gave him sad smiles these past few weeks. He hated it. He told himself that he had to get use to it, especially after today. Definitely after today.

"Yes Mother. I know..."

***

As far as he could see, the small road in front of him was full of pebbles. Well, maybe it was typical. That place was so unfamiliar. Yet this place already became his medium of pain and loss. It was funny how brain could associate every single feeling to its own medium. The medium could be everything, yet the feeling would always felt the same. One person could remind you of happiness, yet another face would throw you to face your own personal hell all over again.

But this place, it made him forget about those familiar faces that were now surrounded him. No, actually they gathered not because of him. It was for her... well, maybe for him too at some point. He did not give a damn about it either.

Several steps more and he reached those field. Field. How could you say field. Those green landscape was definitely not a field. A field was an empty place. While this landscape, nothing empty about this landscape.

Nothing.

Every eyes were now on him.

He could not breath. It was hurting him so much.
The yearn in his heart was suddenly unbearable.

Step by step, he dragged himself to approach her.

His queen.

He did not know how he managed to walk, but he was standing next to her eventually.

On his way, he thought several people patted his shoulder gently. He knew they gave him a heartfelt touch, but he could not feel it nevertheless. He was even sure that today his sense worked automatically. It was like his brain commanded every single move; at least his brain got the idea that he could not control everything on his own right now.

He was a robot. Automatically did whatever he needed to do and set aside his feeling.

But damn her!

She was always able to 'slap' him with his own feeling. The power of her feeling was too strong. There was one day when he was running from it because yeah, it was too much. Too crazy for him to handle.

He was really comfortable with his fear of feeling. Until this woman came in his life. Being the crazy woman that she was, she always able to make him wondered what was out there? What if he lower down his wall? Would there be happiness that she promised him...

"My love, yes, I love you. And I know deep down you love me too. No, I do not want to force you to acknowledge it now. No, because it will just make you run away from me. And no, I cannot afford being separated from you. You can dump me. Well, hell, you can even throw me but I will fight back! Because I know, comfortable was not happiness... Take a chance, my love. Take that chance with me! We are running out of time! I love you. I. Love. You." She caressed his face and smiled at him lovingly with her watery eyes so desperate. "I love you... I will not be your medium of pain. When you remember me, me...even in your memories, will bring smile to your face. I promise."

Yes, she was right. She was not his medium of pain.
She was his medium of sorrow... A beautiful sorrow that it was an honor to feel this kind of sorrow. Sorrow that brought both tears and smile in his face.

When his feet were automatically stop, he bravely lifted his face...

There she was...

Sleeping beautifully inside of her glass box. Holding her favorite flowers. Lavender.

He could not even touch her anymore. The glass was so cold but he touched it anyway. He touched the glass like it was her sleeping face. He grazed that glass like it was her fingers...

She was...so real yet so unattainable.

"I love you..." he whispered before he gave the officer a signal to start the procession.

Slowly...oh slowly, he watched his love being held by the earth.

*** End ***

H-53

Oh no.

I have the urge to run so bad.

It feels like I want to move somewhere else and start my life as a 'new person'. Where people do not know about me. Where no one will judge me (at least in the beginning). Where I do not need to meet people that remind me about bad memories, bad feeling and just simply avoiding familiarity. Where I can build a new relationship and friendship with others freely. Where there is no attachment. Where I can proudly build my wall to protect myself. Where I can freely prevent people from entering my life.

These past few weeks I'd been craving for familiarity, but now I do not want them all.

God.

I do really want to run.

Can I?

[tango india romeo echo delta]

H-62

SAYA MURKA.

Sekian.

H-65

I am lucky.

I am very lucky.

God gives me another breath this morning.
I have the chance to enjoy a sunny winter day.
When I was a child, I was dreaming about snow. White. Beautiful...
And today God has granted me snow and sunshine.

God makes my biggest dream come true.
United States of America; a far-far away land.
A home of top universities in the world. The best place to be educated.
And here I am... In one of the best schools in the world.
Sitting in a corner of my favorite tea room in this quiet afternoon.
Enjoying the view through the big wide window...

God gives me significant ones.

She is a sweet Thai girl but a very special one. With her I can share every single thing. Coming from an almost similar culture, she can understand me when others can't. She is super kind, sometime I even think she is too nice for her own good. The first time I met her, I knew we would be best friend.
"How old are you?"
"24! You?"
"23!"
"Yey!!!"

She is a wise Mexican girl but a very funny one. With her I feel safe. She will always get me, always get my back, always caring. She always know what to say even in the most terrible time. She always makes me feel better. She just...gets me. I do not know how but she has the ability to read through me. And yes... the 'fake-happy-smile-and-i-am-okay-face' will not fool her.
"Ohhh...Sweety, are you okay? I don't like to see you hurting like this... Is there anything that I can do for you? Do you want to eat ice cream?"

She is a smart Sri Lankan girl but a very random one. With her I can talk about my true passion in International Law. She is so damn smart and clever and intelligent and logical. I admire her so much. But she is so down to earth it hurts. She always provides me with various point of views about everything; life, boys, politics, heck even Vienna Convention!
"Hi! I like your speech back then. When you said whether we do really need to have a lot of friends to be succeed in Law School!"
"Thank you! Yeah, because I am not really an extrovert person. That is why I thought whether it will be a big deal to survive in Law School or not."
"I am totally agree."

She is a cute Japanese girl but a strong one. She is a Mom, a wife, and a law student, but she is able to manage to be everything at the same time. I am amazed with her capability. She is also very fun to talk with. I can trust my story with her.
"Are you really okay going back home alone? It is already midnight!"
"I am okay Priska, dont worry."
"Okay, text me when you are home!"
"I will!"

She is a sarcastic French girl but an honest one. People, or hell even herself, call her a bitch. But I know she is definitely not. Her straightforwardness always makes me amazed. She never held back. She tells you the truth, and she is very logical. She hates hypocrisy. But once she care, she cares deeply.
"Do you think that I am too nice?"
"In my standard, yes."
"Maybe I should learn how to be a bitch."
"Well, I can teach you if you want."

And there is him.
Too many stories to tell but I will not tell anyway.
I only can say that I am lucky...just very lucky.

Yes, I am lucky...