If fear is what you want, we will not give it to you!
#KamiTidakTakut
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Monday, January 11, 2016
First Dates
"So what's next?" Alric asked Dalia expectantly.
"Hmmm... let me see on my list." Dalia said and her eyebrows furrowed--fully concentrated with the list in her phone.
Alric could not help himself but studying her and smiling. She was just so gentle and funny. He was one lucky bastard. Suddenly, his chest felt so tight when he realize how lucky he was. The revelation was so painful that he had to set aside the overwhelming feeling. He needed to focus on the present time. Today was all about her and...maybe also him.
"You are so crazy!" He responded, tried to light up the mood.
She grinned so wide and said, "How can you just figure it out ow? Let's go! I want to take a walk in Central Park with you! Or maybe we can also ride the famous carousel?"
"What? Riding a carousel? No!"
"Coward!"
He laughed and walked beside her. Deep down, they both knew that he would ride the carousel with her in the end. Hell, he would do anything for her today!
On that afternoon, they tried to blend in with New Yorkers but her eyes were too greedy. They roamed all over the places like it was her first time. While she was savoring of the buzzing 5th Avenue, he watched her carefully. She was so carefree--so pain free. He was amazed by her. How could she do that in front of him?
Nevertheless, he knew better than that. He noticed how sometime she stared into space sadly. He wished he could envelope her and shield her from the excruciating pain. But how? Well, at least today he would endeavor to be her wishes-granting factory.
"You know what, I'm kind of curious. What kind of date--" He wondered out loud.
"Dates!" she cut him quickly and made him chuckle.
"I'm sorry, let me re-phrase that. So, what kind of dates require a lot of activity?"
"Hmmm...well, since it's our first date--"
"Dates!" he playfully mimicked her previous objection.
"Yes, I mean first dates. Gosh, you are so annoying!" Dalia pouted, made him laughing more.
"Let's go fulfilling your list before it's dark!"
"It's fine, afternoon stroll at the Central Park with you is my last list, though." She said with her toothy grin--again. Made him wanted to punch someone in the face--probably himself.
"Okay then..."
And they fell into a very comfortable silence. New York City during rush hour had spoken enough for both of them, until he remembered that she had not answered his question.
"By the way, you haven't answered my question, D." Alric whispered suggestively in Delia's ears.
"Well, because I want to make up for our lost time in the past and future." Delia shrugged Alric's gesture like it was nothing.
Alric smirked and played along with her indifferent attitude. While Delia ignored his reckless flirty gesture, Alric chose to shrug her point about their future. It was just not appealing to think about the future.
"Ah! That's your carousel! Shall we take a ride?" He asked looking at her. However, the girl in front of him was too busy looking at her feet.
"D, what's wrong?"
"Umm...well--I..umm..would you t-take my hand?" She cringed with her own question. It made Alric grinned widely. The idea of touching her was fascinating. He never tried but now that she offered her hand to him, he took her hand like there was no tomorrow. Like there was no consequences.
"Like this?" His big hand swallowed her small one. Her gaze shifted to their adjoined hands. Just like him, she seemed amazed with the newly formed bond.
"Like that..." She answered him softly and finally looked straight to his eyes, smiling sweetly. He felt that her look penetrated his soul against his will but he dismissed it immediately. He tugged her gently and embarked the carousel.
She squealed delightfully when he lifted her by the waist onto the nearest hobbyhorse. He chuckled in return and just stood beside her after that. She was so hypnotizing. So pure... so naive. The way she soaked up all the simple happiness around her made him wanted to guard her from all the ugliness. But, how could he protect her from himself?
Simple. He could not.
If he wanted to protect her, he should have left her alone and never returned when their situation went south. The thought alone gutted him deeply, nonetheless. It seemed like she was simply unavoidable. That was her--his unavoidable. His unintended.
When she looked up to him with that loving eyes so obvious--he kissed her forehead. If only she knew how he loved her deeply. How he needed her in his life. How he wanted her to always be there for him. Sadly, not in that way... Not in her way of loving, needing and wanting him.
They stayed like that because both of them were so selfish. That night, they threw their responsibilities out of the window. They devoured each other's happiness carelessly, and made many irrevocably cherished memories to last a lifetime. For they fully realized that tomorrow was never promised...
***FIN***
PS: I listened to Adele's "All I Ask" over and over again when I wrote this piece. Such an inspiring ballad indeed!
About Writing
Writing is the sweetest escape where you can play as god in your story and spill your deepest emotion that simply cannot be expressed in any verbal way. Writing is both my addiction and therapy...
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
From Time to Time (1): Gemini's Case
Ira was sitting on her desk, hopping the hours to finish immediately. It did not mean that she dislike her job because her work was always interesting. Despite of her disability to divide between working behind her desk or simply being a happy go lucky girl who observed every single detail, she functioned just fine so far. Including today, when she finally agreed to go out for a cocktail with her long time high school friend.
Beep beep beep!
Her alarm blasted throughout her highly hygienic room. Funny how this institution still using those crazy alarm to remind people that they have life other than helping others. As funny as it might sound, helping people did not mean to lose yourself in process. For one could not help others while she needs to be helped herself.
Ira took her bag from her desk and walked of to her social activity--or well, one could hardly define this as a regular night out' Since it was 'that' friend, with a heavy heart she should admit that this meeting would just another work in the field.
Well, who would complain anyway? She secretly loved it!
****
One month and a half ago...
Gemini sat across Ira in a burger booth. It was lunch time and as a successful CEO, Gemini could just get out from her office and kidnapped a lowly staff like Ira from her work. She said that she needed Ira to fulfill her emergency best friend's duty. Ira knew that kind of language and phrase. A lot of people related her with those labels. First, the emergency term and second, the best friend status.
Ironically, in contrast with popular believe, Ira never really awarded anyone with the second title. But she kept that fact to herself only. She most definitely knew that once people realize that whatever they feel towards other was one sided, they would close off and run. Ira hated to disappoint people and she knew that once she broke their trust, her mission would be nothing but a failure.
And the emergency term, people always came to her when they face an emergency issue within. Sometime their opposite was their own self and character, but other time, they usually have a problem with other person. Which for Ira was the same because she was still the person who analyze, calculate, and give advise to solve the problem.
Just like today, when she fulfilled her duty as Gemini's friend to solve her emergency problem.
"So, what's up?" Straight to the point, Ira felt like skipping any typical chit-chat because the only one who wanted to know about the other's update was Ira, as ironic as it could be. Yet, she would not complain since baring herself was never an option.
"I'm in love!" Gemini shrieked excitedly.
"Oh yeah?" Nothing new.
"With my best friend! You know Grandie, my long time best friend!"
"Really?"
This was news!
"How? I mean not that I don't know about his not-so-secretive feeling for you, but when did you finally realize that you are in love with him? You said not long time ago that he was childish, not your type and definitely not a husband material?" Despite of her previous swear to not investigate her friend, Ira could not help but to ask so many questions--as usual.
"Well, actually that's the reason I was a little reluctant to share this news. I was afraid of your judgement..."
"You know I never judge and never will. Call it a pure curiosity...as always." Ira cut Gemini's statement so she would not doubt her way of thinking.
"Ummm...where should I start?..."
It turned out that Gemini's feeling for Grandie changed because of his endless effort to touch Gemini's heart. According to Gemini, Grandie was always there for her whenever she needed him. Of course it was not something new. From the very beginning when Gemini told Ira about Grandie, she knew almost instantly that the guy had feeling for her friend. But Gemini would always be Gemini, always hunted for perfection. And currently, her version of perfection was Grandie.
She then proceeded to elaborate the rest of Grandie's strength point and loving gesture toward her. She especially loved his hard-working nature. Unlike Gemini, Gandie was an artist. He was in the process to open his personal painting gallery. In order to achieve that goal, he was now working every job he could get. Despite of the uncertain outcome whether he would succeed or not, Gemini said that she admired Gandie's tenacity nonetheless. She valued Grandie as a man that knew what he was doing.
However the conversation should be cut short, due to Ira's short lunch break. Ira decided to deliver her best wishes for both of them in response. She was relieved that finally Gemini could clear the water with Gandie.
From Ira's point of view, friendship was the true strong foundation in a relationship after love. She believed that love had a very short age, lust even shorter. Hence, when love faded away, friendship would remain along the way.
You always needed your friend. When you broke up with your lover, you would always run to your friends. When we applied the metaphor situation above in a relationship's context, it was clear that the perfectly imperfect partner was both our lover and friend. And he or she would always be the person we would run to in the end.
Ira was happy for her friend's love life ending. Or so she thought...
****
"Hello!" Gemini greeted Ira rather too happily. She found it a little suspicious. Despite of her lack of update about Grandie, Ira assumed that they were now living happily ever after. Nevertheless, like one wise man said, never ever assume things.
"Hey, how are you?" Ira replied politely and took her seat in front of Gemini at their favorite local bar. She ordered a light cider, since it was not Friday night and for some reasons, she thought that she might need to be sober now.
"I'm really really good! How about you?" Gemini appeared to be ready to dance away her incredibly good mood.
"Good, thank you." There, Ira answered it sufficiently. "So, how's it going? Seeing from your mood today, I must say that you are delightful now. Grandie?"
"Ah! That's the thing! I'm in love with someone new!"
"Huh? What?"
Apparently, even after endless tales about guys lined up in Gemini's life, she never failed to surprised Ira about her love life.
"Yes! Oh my gosh, Ira! He is so handsome. So manly! And you know what? He's also the founder and CEO of this heap online company. Ain't that exciting? He's really sweet--"
"Wait, hold that thought. How long have you been with him or at least...knowing him, you know."
"Umm...a month ago?"
"Okayyy...." Ira started to calculate the gap between this meeting with their previous meeting six weeks ago. She tried to sync Gemini's statement with her sane sense .
"And how long has he been approaching you?"
"Ummm also a month ago?"
"When did you start feel something for him?"
"Ummm...honestly, a month ago?"
"You do realize that you are saying that you fall for him now, right?"
"Yes, yes I do!" Gemini said cheerfully.
In order to complete her investigation about Gemini's new crush, (yes, Ira concluded that there was no way love could be that easy, right?) Ira decided to keep the whole Grandie topic later.
"Why?"
"Because he is really perfect!" Gemini really smiled from time to time whenever she answered Ira's questions.
"No one is perfect." Ira could not help but interject that point. For her, perfection was never exist. Especially, when you related the term with a human being.
"I know but he is perfect for me, I guess. More than any other men, at the moment..."
"How about Grandie? Don't you think that he might be jealous with him? I don't think he will be okay with this, either." There, Ira finally gave her ultimate weapon away.
"But I am not with him. He's not my boyfriend."
"But your feeling--"
"Well Ira, Grandie simply doesn't fit. He is an artist. He does not have a clear plan ahead or even foreseeable future for that matter. You know, he is working randomly just to fund his project right now. Like come on, his path is not clear at all. While, this other guy? He has a clear plan and path for his future. I mean, as the CEO of a company that is bigger than mine, he is clearly a visionary who knows what he is doing, right? I mean what do you think about him? He's perfect, right?"
There were a lot of 'clear' there and ironically, Gemini coupled the word with future. A pair of word that Ira believed also did not match at all. For the first time in her life, Ira held her honesty tongue as Gemini's friend.
Scarily, Gemini's idea of love forced Ira to act professional even with her own friend. It was like Ira stepped out of her box and tried to understand Gemini's confession and comparison about Grandie and the new guy objectively. She then began her discovery with Gemini to understand more, because Ira believed that no one could judge others, except that they were the judges themselves--literally.
Seeing that Gemini was expecting her response, Ira knew that she had to answer.
"Yeah, I think he's perfect. Are you with him now?"
"That's the thing. He gave me a lot of signs but before he did anything about it, I already made it clear that I don't want a relationship now. I explained that other than marriage, there was no guarantee for a relationship to work. I'm really tired with break ups, you know."
"What if you meet someone better than him?"
"Well, I'm not looking right now and he's there and perfect--"
"What if he meets someone else?"
"Well, if she's good for him and he finds that she suits him. Then, I will just let him go." Gemini shrugged the thought off like Ira did not imply the possibility of her being a brokenhearted once again, despite of the absence of relationship's label.
"Will you be okay with that?"
"I think, I will be..." She said it lightly.
That was when Ira knew that she was lying. There was no way that you would not get affected if the one that you love left you for other person. Unless, you did not really love him.
"Are you sure? I'm just afraid that your heart will break when he thinks that you are not his girlfriend, so he can just pursue another woman while you are there, devoting yourself to him."
"I'm not actually devoting myself for him--"
"But you claimed that you loved him?"
"Well, he understands my concept that the only commitment that I can accept right now is marriage."
"So, you are saying that you do not want a relationship but want a marriage? You do realize that marriage is also classified as relationship, right?"
"Ira, my point is, I just want to let it flow until--"
"He's ready to propose you and skipping this whole boyfriend-girlfriend process?"
"Yes, I guess..."
Ira knew that she had to stop after Gemini showed a nervous gesture by sipping her tea uncomfortably in order to escape the prolonging their discussion.
"If that is what you want, then go for it! If he understands your concept, then you got yourself a keeper, right?"
Gemini grinned widely, loving Ira's approval.
"Just, don't lead Grandie on anymore, though."
"Nope! I already told him about this new guy. You know me and Grandie, we can never be more than friends I guess."
"Is he okay with that?" Ira was now really really confuse.
"I think he is, well he did not say much."
That's because he loves you, damn it!
Inside, Ira was struggling with her own self. She really wanted to criticize Gemini's mechanism of 'falling in and out of love', but somehow it felt more than that! She was hating Gemini's treatment to Grandie. He was being taken for granted by her. Yet, mostly she loathed Gemini's treatment to herself.
From her spot, Ira could see a frightened girl. She was so terrified by the idea of being hurt all over again in the name of love. A girl that needed assurance--a guarantee of happiness in a relationship. Despite of her verbal acceptance over imperfection, she still desired otherwise. Perfection was her ultimate goal in a guy, that was why she never stopped to find a better person to land her feeling. It was really sad how Gemini undervalued her capability to be brave enough and taking chances. Taking risk to experience and even greater happiness. Yes, it might not be comfortable but you would step on a higher lever if you take it. You will get new lessons. If only Gemini could accept that perfection did not exist at all.
For Ira, it was really sad because no one was worthy to demand perfection from others. That request was simply unfair since neither sides were perfect. On the other hand, Gemini's case (as Ira liked to label it) taught Ira that the only sure thing about feeling was... they could be deceiving. One day you were so sure that you felt a certain emotion toward others, but one could never guarantee that it would be constantly that way.
Then why does my feeling never change even until now?
Rather abruptly, Ira terminated her wandering thoughts. She decided to take her afternoon drink easy. She changed their conversation's subject and talked more about Gemini's company. Obviously, she was trying to run away from her own feeling because she knew that dealing with other's was much easier.
And the emergency term, people always came to her when they face an emergency issue within. Sometime their opposite was their own self and character, but other time, they usually have a problem with other person. Which for Ira was the same because she was still the person who analyze, calculate, and give advise to solve the problem.
Just like today, when she fulfilled her duty as Gemini's friend to solve her emergency problem.
"So, what's up?" Straight to the point, Ira felt like skipping any typical chit-chat because the only one who wanted to know about the other's update was Ira, as ironic as it could be. Yet, she would not complain since baring herself was never an option.
"I'm in love!" Gemini shrieked excitedly.
"Oh yeah?" Nothing new.
"With my best friend! You know Grandie, my long time best friend!"
"Really?"
This was news!
"How? I mean not that I don't know about his not-so-secretive feeling for you, but when did you finally realize that you are in love with him? You said not long time ago that he was childish, not your type and definitely not a husband material?" Despite of her previous swear to not investigate her friend, Ira could not help but to ask so many questions--as usual.
"Well, actually that's the reason I was a little reluctant to share this news. I was afraid of your judgement..."
"You know I never judge and never will. Call it a pure curiosity...as always." Ira cut Gemini's statement so she would not doubt her way of thinking.
"Ummm...where should I start?..."
It turned out that Gemini's feeling for Grandie changed because of his endless effort to touch Gemini's heart. According to Gemini, Grandie was always there for her whenever she needed him. Of course it was not something new. From the very beginning when Gemini told Ira about Grandie, she knew almost instantly that the guy had feeling for her friend. But Gemini would always be Gemini, always hunted for perfection. And currently, her version of perfection was Grandie.
She then proceeded to elaborate the rest of Grandie's strength point and loving gesture toward her. She especially loved his hard-working nature. Unlike Gemini, Gandie was an artist. He was in the process to open his personal painting gallery. In order to achieve that goal, he was now working every job he could get. Despite of the uncertain outcome whether he would succeed or not, Gemini said that she admired Gandie's tenacity nonetheless. She valued Grandie as a man that knew what he was doing.
However the conversation should be cut short, due to Ira's short lunch break. Ira decided to deliver her best wishes for both of them in response. She was relieved that finally Gemini could clear the water with Gandie.
From Ira's point of view, friendship was the true strong foundation in a relationship after love. She believed that love had a very short age, lust even shorter. Hence, when love faded away, friendship would remain along the way.
You always needed your friend. When you broke up with your lover, you would always run to your friends. When we applied the metaphor situation above in a relationship's context, it was clear that the perfectly imperfect partner was both our lover and friend. And he or she would always be the person we would run to in the end.
Ira was happy for her friend's love life ending. Or so she thought...
****
"Hello!" Gemini greeted Ira rather too happily. She found it a little suspicious. Despite of her lack of update about Grandie, Ira assumed that they were now living happily ever after. Nevertheless, like one wise man said, never ever assume things.
"Hey, how are you?" Ira replied politely and took her seat in front of Gemini at their favorite local bar. She ordered a light cider, since it was not Friday night and for some reasons, she thought that she might need to be sober now.
"I'm really really good! How about you?" Gemini appeared to be ready to dance away her incredibly good mood.
"Good, thank you." There, Ira answered it sufficiently. "So, how's it going? Seeing from your mood today, I must say that you are delightful now. Grandie?"
"Ah! That's the thing! I'm in love with someone new!"
"Huh? What?"
Apparently, even after endless tales about guys lined up in Gemini's life, she never failed to surprised Ira about her love life.
"Yes! Oh my gosh, Ira! He is so handsome. So manly! And you know what? He's also the founder and CEO of this heap online company. Ain't that exciting? He's really sweet--"
"Wait, hold that thought. How long have you been with him or at least...knowing him, you know."
"Umm...a month ago?"
"Okayyy...." Ira started to calculate the gap between this meeting with their previous meeting six weeks ago. She tried to sync Gemini's statement with her sane sense .
"And how long has he been approaching you?"
"Ummm also a month ago?"
"When did you start feel something for him?"
"Ummm...honestly, a month ago?"
"You do realize that you are saying that you fall for him now, right?"
"Yes, yes I do!" Gemini said cheerfully.
In order to complete her investigation about Gemini's new crush, (yes, Ira concluded that there was no way love could be that easy, right?) Ira decided to keep the whole Grandie topic later.
"Why?"
"Because he is really perfect!" Gemini really smiled from time to time whenever she answered Ira's questions.
"No one is perfect." Ira could not help but interject that point. For her, perfection was never exist. Especially, when you related the term with a human being.
"I know but he is perfect for me, I guess. More than any other men, at the moment..."
"How about Grandie? Don't you think that he might be jealous with him? I don't think he will be okay with this, either." There, Ira finally gave her ultimate weapon away.
"But I am not with him. He's not my boyfriend."
"But your feeling--"
"Well Ira, Grandie simply doesn't fit. He is an artist. He does not have a clear plan ahead or even foreseeable future for that matter. You know, he is working randomly just to fund his project right now. Like come on, his path is not clear at all. While, this other guy? He has a clear plan and path for his future. I mean, as the CEO of a company that is bigger than mine, he is clearly a visionary who knows what he is doing, right? I mean what do you think about him? He's perfect, right?"
There were a lot of 'clear' there and ironically, Gemini coupled the word with future. A pair of word that Ira believed also did not match at all. For the first time in her life, Ira held her honesty tongue as Gemini's friend.
Scarily, Gemini's idea of love forced Ira to act professional even with her own friend. It was like Ira stepped out of her box and tried to understand Gemini's confession and comparison about Grandie and the new guy objectively. She then began her discovery with Gemini to understand more, because Ira believed that no one could judge others, except that they were the judges themselves--literally.
Seeing that Gemini was expecting her response, Ira knew that she had to answer.
"Yeah, I think he's perfect. Are you with him now?"
"That's the thing. He gave me a lot of signs but before he did anything about it, I already made it clear that I don't want a relationship now. I explained that other than marriage, there was no guarantee for a relationship to work. I'm really tired with break ups, you know."
"What if you meet someone better than him?"
"Well, I'm not looking right now and he's there and perfect--"
"What if he meets someone else?"
"Well, if she's good for him and he finds that she suits him. Then, I will just let him go." Gemini shrugged the thought off like Ira did not imply the possibility of her being a brokenhearted once again, despite of the absence of relationship's label.
"Will you be okay with that?"
"I think, I will be..." She said it lightly.
That was when Ira knew that she was lying. There was no way that you would not get affected if the one that you love left you for other person. Unless, you did not really love him.
"Are you sure? I'm just afraid that your heart will break when he thinks that you are not his girlfriend, so he can just pursue another woman while you are there, devoting yourself to him."
"I'm not actually devoting myself for him--"
"But you claimed that you loved him?"
"Well, he understands my concept that the only commitment that I can accept right now is marriage."
"So, you are saying that you do not want a relationship but want a marriage? You do realize that marriage is also classified as relationship, right?"
"Ira, my point is, I just want to let it flow until--"
"He's ready to propose you and skipping this whole boyfriend-girlfriend process?"
"Yes, I guess..."
Ira knew that she had to stop after Gemini showed a nervous gesture by sipping her tea uncomfortably in order to escape the prolonging their discussion.
"If that is what you want, then go for it! If he understands your concept, then you got yourself a keeper, right?"
Gemini grinned widely, loving Ira's approval.
"Just, don't lead Grandie on anymore, though."
"Nope! I already told him about this new guy. You know me and Grandie, we can never be more than friends I guess."
"Is he okay with that?" Ira was now really really confuse.
"I think he is, well he did not say much."
That's because he loves you, damn it!
Inside, Ira was struggling with her own self. She really wanted to criticize Gemini's mechanism of 'falling in and out of love', but somehow it felt more than that! She was hating Gemini's treatment to Grandie. He was being taken for granted by her. Yet, mostly she loathed Gemini's treatment to herself.
From her spot, Ira could see a frightened girl. She was so terrified by the idea of being hurt all over again in the name of love. A girl that needed assurance--a guarantee of happiness in a relationship. Despite of her verbal acceptance over imperfection, she still desired otherwise. Perfection was her ultimate goal in a guy, that was why she never stopped to find a better person to land her feeling. It was really sad how Gemini undervalued her capability to be brave enough and taking chances. Taking risk to experience and even greater happiness. Yes, it might not be comfortable but you would step on a higher lever if you take it. You will get new lessons. If only Gemini could accept that perfection did not exist at all.
For Ira, it was really sad because no one was worthy to demand perfection from others. That request was simply unfair since neither sides were perfect. On the other hand, Gemini's case (as Ira liked to label it) taught Ira that the only sure thing about feeling was... they could be deceiving. One day you were so sure that you felt a certain emotion toward others, but one could never guarantee that it would be constantly that way.
Then why does my feeling never change even until now?
Rather abruptly, Ira terminated her wandering thoughts. She decided to take her afternoon drink easy. She changed their conversation's subject and talked more about Gemini's company. Obviously, she was trying to run away from her own feeling because she knew that dealing with other's was much easier.
***FIN***
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