Type

Yes, I know. In a very peaceful Sunday morning I want to write about type. This topic is kind of bugging my head and I don't like it so I decide to pour this bugs all over my keyboards. Yesterday, I had a funny experience and talk though.

Well, as usual, unlike other people who were most definitely content to stay inside when it was raining, I just wandered in downtown. I invited a dear honorable lady to have a coffee with me and she said yes. Which was such a joy. She was one of the people that I discover during my coffee project--which I was so thankful about. We talked about life, education system, lawyering and a lot of other stuff while enjoying our coffee--well I take it back, it was an Italian espresso for her and a yogurt for me. Yes, I know, I was a chicken. But I have my own defense, I need to be decaffeinated before I'm going home. My mom will kill me if I drink coffee without a good reason.

And after a lovely talk, the windy weather did not prevent me to go for a tea by myself. Ha! Talking about an inconsistency act! But again, for my defense, it was also only a cup of super bitter green tea that I will never order again in the future. Only a very little amount of caffeine.

There I sat, near the big wide window. Watching people and the lovely rainy weather while writing my new novel.

Eventually, I felt that someone was staring at me. I then looked for the source of this nudging feeling and yes... my stare bumped into the pair of most beautiful grey-bluish eyes. His hair was pitch black that reach upon his broad shoulder. His face was well-decorated with facial hair, all in the right places. He wore a simple black t-shirt with dark jeans, stared at me from his seat--which was across my table. He was just... my type? Artificially? Someone that I would gladly flirting with.

Nano seconds later, I shifted my focus back to my laptop. Then I begun thinking... (yes, I managed to banish his temptation even after 4 stolen glances later)

I thought about my type. My artificial type? It's been quite a while since I thought about this silly thing. I remembered I had several types that were kind of strangely incompatible if I applied to my current situation--they were:
1. Manly. Like super duper uber manly! You know Thor? That was my type. With a strong body and all. Well swoon, ladies! It was okay to swoon over a guy like that! Aha~ let's stop talking about Thor, shall we? By manly, I mean a sporty guy. Like a guy who is really really really into sport, even when I am a lazy girl when it comes to sport. Yes, I know, life is unfair... so deal with it boys!
2. Smart and intelligence. I did not know whether this one could be classified as 'artificial' or not. I wanted a guy who I could talk about every single thing with. Given my random minds and thoughts, it would be wonderful to have a guy that I could talk for hours about economic, politics, legal matters, family problems, psycho analyze, personal issues, grades, and etc. etc. the list was endless. And that beloved, needed intelligence for sure! I did not say that I was smart and everything, but still, that kind of endless conversation needed two witty minds.
3. Strong charisma and leadership! It felt like this requirement fulfill the criteria of being a president rather than a partner, but then I admire someone who had these two qualities. Weird, right? Yes, I know.
4. A loner and independent guy. A guy that did not need anyone else to survive. He was simply being an independent guy. Did not need anyone. He liked being surrounded by his friends yet it was not something mandatory for him. He was just complete and happy and survive with himself. Yes, a guy who had his own world worked steadily around him. It was important for me because I did not do needy, clingy and possessiveness. Just. No. Ok?
5. The most important one... I just simply trust him. He was reliable. He knew how to handle me and etc.

Voila!
They are my artificial types!

If only a woman's heart understands that it needs to follow such rules, life will be easier.

Sadly, woman is more a psychological creatures and man is more artificial one. Which means, most women fall for a guy not because of artificial things but simply because of the way he makes her feel. Of course there are exceptions. A lot of women also fall because a guy is simply convenient and eligible--not because who he is but because of what he has. It happens vice versa for both genders too, I guess. However, most of them are following the rules. Which leads me to another question...

What if an ugly (according to the artificial world's standard which I strongly disagree because for me every human is beautiful in their own way) woman fall for a beautiful and eligible guy? It must be so sad if the guy is an artificial one... because he will never give the woman a chance to show him who she is.

For me it was just sad--maybe that is why I love Beauty and The Beast.

But...

You know what, who am I to judge? Everyone has their own choice. They choose to be artificial then let them be. They choose to be the opposite, then let them be too. Why not?

Right?

---

After thinking about that stuff under random stares from this cute stranger. He went away and I also went to meet my friend. Definitely abandoning my artificial attraction. Well, it seems like my stupid heart has a bigger issue to deal with currently, it looses any interest to any other male species.

Well, during the night I had a good talk with my friend over a crepe. A delicious one. We talked about type (of course I needed to share my thoughts with someone), and I guess the talk just validated my points.

Hmmm... artificial?
Artificially in love (where your types are all that matters because you just simply fall for what she/he has) vs. Naturally in love (where there is no type at all because you just simply fall for who he/she is)?
Hmmm...
Artificial?
That word feels weird in my tongue...

Maybe because we are all artificial until we discover what's beyond the surface. Discover not only others but also ourselves. Funny things about human, sometimes they do not know what they want and they need.

Discovery. That is the key to beat the artificiality in ourselves.

Shout Out

Shout out to every middle born around the globe... well, aliens are welcome too!
Because for them there is no time--literally no time to think about themselves!

Which is good?
Bad?
Good?

Nope, it's just normal :)

The First Solo Trip

I was re-reading my recent blog posts. They are so depressing! Or too heartfelt-ish kind of posts. Pardon me if you think that this blog is a bucket to throw all my emotional-vomits...but they are! AHA~ I'm a writer, what do you expect? ( I already say sorry, don't I? Well, a sorry but kind of not sorry expression )

Nevertheless, bear with me because today I would write something super happy! (I guess)

Let the tale begins...

---

Once upon a time there was a girl. She was so crazy and confuse and crazy and confuse again...then she just opened her laptop. Her beautiful shocking pink laptop that caught some crazy virus recently and yes, it had nothing to do with the story so back to her current activity... The first website that she browsed randomly was a travel website. Suddenly a crazy idea popped out in her messy mind.

She wanted to do a solo trip!

She calculated her budget; started from the flight and well, accommodation.Yeah, she knew that she was a sloppy traveler. She did not even know where she wanted to go. How much would she spend for the foods? For the attractions? All she knew were only two things; the flight and accommodation. May all the true travelers out there forgive her carelessness.

She then started her riddle thoughts about the destination.

How about a city in the west coast? A beautiful city like San Francisco?

Well, people said that she needed to go to the west coast. Why? Because she was always wandering around in the east coast so far. However, well, you know...old problem. Same ole same ole... like a jobless girl that she was, she had no enough budget!

Yes, what kind of traveler did not know her destination but already did some miss-know-it-all budgeting? Her kind of traveler.

And... suddenly, there was a city emerged in her crazy brain's cells.

New Orleans?
How about New Orleans?
She always wanted to go to New Orleans!

The city where her most favorite music genre was born?
With its French quarter?
With its famous oyster and gumbo?
With a lot of jazzy musicians on the street?

A place where she could dance freely... let her most favorite rhythm took over her body--ruled over it and just dance? A swing or blues kind of rhythm... She could not wait to sway her body or simply nodding her head and enjoying the music. Lets not forget about her smile during that soon-to-be good time! Whenever jazz was echoing, she always smiled!

A place full of jazz cafes?
With its unique streets?
Where a whole different of USA experience happened?

After a bunch of imaginations... she booked her flight and her room.
And ready to travel with her own self!

Ready to find another person inside her!
Ready to test her adventurous side!
Living in the edge of her comfort zone!
Ummm...maybe make a friend or talk with strangers?
(Even if her mom always said that one should not talk with stranger but well... lets talk nonetheless! Sorry, Mom!)

Some said the best cure of...ehem broken heart ehem...was traveling!
Or just simply leaving Ann Arbor!
Aha~ maybe the latter is the most correct one.

Lets see what would happen... She couldn't wait to meet her. The one that lived in the other edge of her comfort zone. What would she look like?

Maybe... she did look like smiling and happier.

She did!

----

The Only 'What If'

I wish during your stressful time.
I was hugging you more to comfort you...

That is my only 'what if'.

The Review

Cher D,

My dear dear D,

Ceritanya aku ingin seperti reviewer profesional yang membahas tulisan bagus di blog mereka. Tenang, aku tidak akan membocorkan sedikitpun tentang isi draft itu. Itu master piece kamu dan cuma kamu yang berhak memberitakannya kepada dunia.

Believe it or not, banyak sekali pelajaran yang aku ambil dari tulisan kamu itu. However, now I know the reason why you didn't want to say 'happy birthday' back then. Crazy girl! You're just so crazy and I can't wait to meet you. Now that you are a Jakarta's anak gaul (LOL?), we can always meet every weekend routinely. Shall we?

Duh kan, malah melantur! Aku kan ingin mendedikasikan blog post ini untuk menjadi reviewer yang oke tapi malah jadi kaya email yang isinya mau janjian, mau ketemu, kangen lah, apa lah, asal jangan gosip aja ya!

However, lets go back to the reviewing business...

First of all... KEMANA AJA KAMU SELAMA INI??? Aku dan Wulan selalu membahas tentang tulisan dan kamu tidak pernah ikut berdiskusi tentang itu. Aneh deh ini bocah! Bikin bete (tuh kan lagi-lagi kaya email, yaudahlah ampuni hamba-mu yang lemah tak berdaya ini). Dasar, memang ya semua sahabat cewekku pasti writers. Maybe that is why we are so close, because we know that sometimes writings speak louder than any verbal expressions.

Second of all, you are like really really ahead of me. Cerita kamu adalah apa yang kini ada di jalanku. Aku sedang menuju kesana dan sedang berusaha untuk sampai ke tahap "the end of the tunnel." Itulah mengapa aku takut sekali membuka beberapa lembaran terakhir. Takut mengutuki diriku sendiri. Sangat takut... dan ketakutan ku terbukti, aku menangis (met yaw!).

Third of all, kamu bohong! Banyak typo apaan orang draft ini termasuk 'clean' kok! Tapi seriously, I am super biased though. I cannot be a good editor right now. You should ask someone yang objektif deh. Aku lagi tidak bisa objektif soalnya. Abis ceritanya sejalan sih ya, jadinya sini malah kalut bacanya. Therefore, do not trust my judgment at the moment.

Tapi, one thing that I am sure...
It is a master piece.

Sebagai penulis (kali ini bisa netral kok, not biased anymore. Maaf ya orang galau ga konsisten gini ngomongnya.) aku sangat kagum dengan alur dan cara kamu menceritakan. Aku suka variasi bentuk tulisan dalam draft ini. Tidak melulu monoton seperti novel, cerita dari awal sampai akhir, ini adalah buah pikiran. I don't wanna call it as a novel because I don't think it is. This is your ideas. Your thoughts. And please... share it to the world, si'l te plait?

If you are not comfortable with how 'genuine' this piece is, do not share yourself to the world. I like your name in there though... Maybe it is better to be an anonymous writer, so you can express your feeling through your pen freely. No judgement. No scrutiny. You can share yourself while hiding it behind anonymity at the same time.

Every author knows that the best story comes from their own experience.

Every writer understands that their master piece will always be inspired by a perfect muse; a person who gives you many roller coaster feelings and memories that you will always cherish. Even the painful memories bring smile to your face because your muse is just worth it. You are just so afraid to lose those memories, you want to document them.

Your muse...

He deserves your happiness.
He deserves your pain.
Even if the world says that he does not deserve a huge love like that but sadly (or fortunately?) there is no deserving or undeserving in love.

Congratulation D!
For having the best story a woman can have!

Why do I call it as the 'best story' for you?
Because you have grown so much because of it!
Because you are now closer to Him... you are now on the right path!

You are stronger!
You are wiser!
You are more amazing...

You are now becoming your own happiness.
You are complete even if your heart is incomplete in some way or another...

You are OK even if you are brOKen...

You are a survivor.

And I am so proud of you.
Really.

Sincerely,
Dwenda
(kok nama aku bisa jadi Dwenda sih?)

Kewajaran yang Aneh

Bagaimana bisa aku hampir menangis karena mengingat rasa sakitmu kala itu.
Sementara aku tidak lagi mengingat rasa sakitku?

Bagaimana bisa?

Draft

And my best best best best friend D just wrote it so beautifully...

"Jadi,

dalam pesonamu,

aku justru menemukan-Nya..."

Aku sebal.
Sebal...
Sebal...
Tapi bahagia.

Karena kamu mendeskripsikannya dengan sangat sempurna.
Ya D, aku juga bangga sama kamu!

[buku nya D bisa dibeli di toko buku terdekat loh! SEGERA!]

Someday They'll Know

"My heart is acting weird today. Like when you want to cry but you cannot. Like when you are angry but you think that you don't have any right to feel that way. Like when you want to do some pity party but you don't have any luxury to do that."

He looked at her several seconds before turned his face to watch the bus driver. He was patiently waiting for her to explain her riddle.

She stared at him right after he turned his face away from her. She would love to caress that face, his tired face with unshaven jaw and tired eyes. She would like to ease his stress and pain away but how could she do that when she was now also deeply sunk in her sorrow. How could you help someone when you also need help?

But today, it was not about her... she stupidly set aside her pain and tried her hardest to put a smile on that handsome face.

"I feel like there is a hole in my heart. Something is missing. I feel incomplete..."

She then stared at their fingers. They sat so close next to each other but sadly she could not even grazed her fingers to his, let alone intertwined them. No. Just no.

"A hole?" he finally stared at her, demanded her to elaborate further.

"Yes, like something so precious is taken away from me. No one would give it back to me. Not even when I beg them to. Maybe that is why I cannot cry, because both my brain and my heart know that there is no point. No one can change my situation. I need to teach myself how to deal with it and move on. Don't you think?" She then looked at him in the eye.

He, again, turned his head--it felt like he did not want to see her.

"I don't know... I just do not know."

She smiled. Refused to turn her face away from him. She just wanted to stare at his face for as long as she could. Memorizing every details, like a moron. She was a moron. The moron that would let the world revolved around them while time was fictionally stopped... Obeying her desire to stay. Stayed with him in their little forever.

"I know you know every answer that I need. You just don't want to give it to me..." She was still smiling nevertheless.

S and Red and Her Tea Party

Her novel? Checked.
Her polished hot pink nails? Checked.
Her tea? Checked.

Her favorite mug? Hmm... checked.

She sighed through the whole afternoon. Seating while folding and unfolding her napkin. Strangely confuse whether she wanted to eat the cookie or not. Trying to calm her nerve and waiting nervously in her patio.

It had been a long week and now her friend insisted to pay her a visit. She did not know how to feel about it because lately she was just so content being alone. Nevertheless, she thought she might need that. Or maybe not? Well, we would see.

"Hey S! Hmm... everything are red! Don't tell me that it is a chai tea in your signature mug." M just entered her patio extravagantly, and already talked a lot--in S' opinion. She took it as a good sign, or maybe not, well, if she was trying to make her do something she did not want to do, then it was most definitely not a good sign. At all.

"Hey!" S finally stood up and gave her the warmest hug. Damn, she loved that girl anyway and yes, seeing her after days in her isolation place was a good change after all.

"Ummm what kind of tea that you want? I can make you some Darjeeling if you don't want Chai?" she tried to delay stuff with no luck, it was M we were talking about. No one could stop her when she was in a mission. And yes, she was definitely in a mission this afternoon.

M smiled and took both of her hands. She then made S sat in one of the pretty white chair while M, of course, took the closest chair near her--wanted to have the best seat as a good audience.

"So tell me..."

"About what?"

"About the tale! Of course, about the tale!"

"The tale of what?"

"The tale of your isolation place!"

....

"How does it feel?" M now stared at her while sipping her warm tea. She was trying to read what was on S' head. While S was kind of wondering why did she ask the obvious question anyway.

"What feeling?" She liked to play dumb. The best temporary weapon.

"Any feeling?" M just shrugged and waited almost impatiently.

"Well, I got so many feelings in my storage right now. But I will not tell you all of them because it was too personal. I don't think I wanna share too much about that, at least not tonight."

"Hmm... that is a tough question. Should I think about my own feeling? So maybe when you answer yours, I will get a reflection for my own heavy heart."

S chuckled when she heard her answer. This friend of hers was most definitely did not have any heavy heart. She was the sunshine and rainbow and colorful star. It was weird to picture her with a heavy heart, or was she?

"Are you okay?" whispered S while hiding half of her face in her favorite red cup--pretending to sip her now cold tea. She intended to avoid a feeling explosion scheme, if M was now really have that kind of heavy heart though.

"I'm fine, I am always fine. You know me but... tell me about the tale of being lost then!"

Her hand stopped in the mid air, S was staring at M while furrowed her forehead.

"Lost? You mean like a wanderer?"

"Yes!" M's eyes were lit up, waiting patiently upon her answer.

"Hmmm... Being lost? I think every human is always getting lost. I mean, you will stop being lost when you find your own peaceful place. Which is by being dead, I guess?"

"I don't think you really explain what's on your mind." M puckered her lips, upset by her friend's unsatisfying answer.

S smiled.

For nano seconds, the thought of him filled her brain Maybe she did need him to explain what lost was. Or maybe not. But she let him out nonetheless...

Only for several minutes until she finished this tale.

S calmed her soul and started talking about being lost.

"Lost? Imagine you were in a new place. It was so dark. But well, your eyes can still see a little bit only if you tried harder. But then, you are already tired of adjusting in the first place. By adjusting, I mean you shift your self from your old life to the new one. That is a crazy experience, you are drained, and naturally, of course, you did not want to work harder and put some more effort to be able to see in the dark.

Then, there was a light. Like a star, it was always there. Like a sun shines through the moon. That light just flickers a life in your heart. Makes you feel so calm, you do not want to leave. The light is your safe haven... You walk slowly with it. You survive because of it. You always want to stay with the light. You live your life also with the light. It was just in your current path and you are so grateful about it.

Suddenly, like a star, nothing lasts forever. It is gone. Leaving you in a darkness...again. A darkness that you almost forget about. A darkness that is so strange yet familiar at the same time. A darkness that swallows you without mercy and forces you to survive nevertheless. You. Alone. Without the light.

You walk through a dark hallway. Depending on the wall while you do not know what's in front of you. Ah... the wall is made from the river stone by the way. It is so sharp that it wounds your hand. But sadly, you cannot put your hands off the wall, so you need to bear it anyway.

You need to find a way out and your instinct tells you that the wall--the goddamn painful wall will lead you there. Then, you walked again... slowly you can ignore the pain. Your wounds are healed by themselves, and you keep moving.

However, it is not going to stop there. Your feet often stumbled and well, you also fell sometimes. There are time you just want to stay there, lying hopelessly. Or maybe just sitting there. Give up. Not moving. Pitying yourself. Or crying, well a girl is always crying anyway, wouldn't she?

But then, you ask yourself: what good comes from being stuck, crying and having a pity party in the dark while you know you are almost there? It is weird that your brain and heart are still being so optimistic and persistent.

It is so dark though, but you got up and started to walk again. Always following your heart, brain and instinct. You're just simply being a human.

However, now you ignore those annoying pebbles. You disregard the sharp shard in the wall. You neglect the pain. The more you put them aside, the less their power over you. Unconsciously, you appears to be stronger. You bear every agony patiently. You survive every miserableness with bravery. You are just simply moving.

You are lost but at least you are moving.

Yes, you don't know where to go.
Yes, you are still a wanderer.
Yes, you are also a survivor.

Yes, you don't have any light...or so you think.

You find...no, you create your own path and direction when you are moving though. You then start to think about your deviation. Are you still lost? Are you really really still lost? Or maybe you are just a true wanderer. A survivor? But, you are not lost anymore...are you?

No, you are not.

You are not lost anymore.

Being lost is not about loosing your way.

Being lost is about creating a new direction. But since it is a very novel one, you thought that you got lost while in fact, you were not. You are just moved into a new direction without the light, because life wants to tell you that in the dark--even in the darkest one, you can be your own light. Your own compass. Your own path if you keep moving. So no, you are not experiencing the feel of being lost... what you feel is only a transition phase, and all you need to do is adapt.

Adaptation. That is the key of being a wanderer...and a survivor."

M was stupefied by the tale. She then composed herself again and smiled.

"Yes?" S was back to earth after she told her Lost Tale to M inside her personal state of mind. S found M's reaction was rather strange.

M stood up, then tidying up her summer dress. Ready to leave.

"I need to go now."

"Huh? Why?"

"Because I think you do not need me anymore..."

"What? Now, I'm confuse..." S followed M's gesture, really confuse with her friend's behavior.

M was smiling again then she caressed S' face softly.

"No, you are not confuse... At least not anymore."

With that statement, M went out from the patio and devoured by S' pretty meadow.

****

Angels by Lang Leav

"It happens like this. One day you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you feel more connected to this stranger than anyone else--closer to them than your closest family. Perhaps because this person carries an angel within them--one sent to you for some higher purpose, to teach you an important lesson or to keep you safe during a perilous time. What you must do is trust in them--even if they come hand in hand with pain or suffering--the reason for their presence will become clear in due time.

Though here is a word of warning--you may grow to love this person but remember they are not yours to keep. Their purpose isn't to save you but to show you how to save yourself. And once this is fulfilled, the halo lifts and the angel leaves their body as the person exits your life. They will be a stranger to you once more.

....................

It's so dark right now, I can't see any light around me.

That's because the light is coming from you. You can't see it but everyone else can..."

I am hardly ever quoting something in my blog. For me, someone else's master pieces are theirs to share not mine. However, this morning I started my calm Sunday morning (yet full of headache and nausea) with Love and Misadventure by Lang Leav. It is a poetry book.

The first time my best friend introduced this book to me, I knew that I would love this kind of book. It is so straightforward. It is not cheesy at all. It is full of realistic metaphors. It feels like a blade, it cuts you deep, makes you bleeding with emotion yet brings smile to your face--because you know it is worth the emotional explosion.

Now, I am the one who becomes so cheesy in describing this book. Maybe because of the fact that writings always have their special way to touch my heart deeper than any verbal expressions. In writings, people put their thoughts and efforts. It is so genuine and pure.

Through pen, you will feel bad if you lie. Because unlike verbal words that can be whisked away by the wind easily...if you put lies in your writing, they will always be there. Documented and staring right back at you.

When I read this "Angels" piece, I did not know that it would touch me this deep. Maybe because of the fact that I was talking with my other half last night.

We did not talk for a very long time (in our version) and she demanded me to tell her about my life here. She said to me that I looked so happy in my graduation gown. All smiles with my proud family. I smiled secretly and began my tale for her...

Once I finished, she sighed.

"Will it make me a bad best friend ever if I say to you that it was a beautiful story? It was a master piece. Even, it left me speechless..."

....

"I am a writer and you are too! I imagined God was thinking so hard when He wrote this master piece. He made it so beautiful, and you were a lucky woman because He let you to be the main role in that story... Despite of everything, I wanna tell you something. This is my proudest time. I am so proud of you right now, even more than when you told me you got accepted in Umich.

I am so proud because you have grown so much. You forgive easily. You love so beautifully. And you live so bravely! You will get your beautiful ending. It is just the end of a chapter... and I cannot wait to hear the next chapter!"

"With another character perhaps?"

"Yes..."

....

And at that moment.
For the very first time during these weeks I laughed...and cried so hard at the same time.

....

My angel...
My precious precious angel...
Thank you for making me who I am today.

Never regret.
Never ever will I regret.

So nor will you, please?

Borderless Stupidity

Stupid heart.
For forgiving so easily...

Stupid brain.
For worrying too much...

Stupid heart.
For loving so hard it hurts itself.

Stupid brain.
For thinking too much it destroys itself.

Stupid heart.
For having faith too big.

Stupid brain.
For trusting so deep.

But no.
It is not a stupidity.

She is just being a human.
She is just being herself.

She is everything but stupid and she knows it.

She knows her value.
She has her own standard.

Nothing and no one can define her other than herself.
As simple as what her heart and her brain are doing now...

Together they are working on her.
Together they repair themselves through her.
Together they act like her greatest shield and weapon.
Together they build her to be the woman she's supposed to be.

H-2

This is not happening.

This is harder than I thought.

Damn.

Stop this train.