She Wrote About Him

Somewhere in the sky above Java Island, 1st of December, 2019...

I never really wrote about You. But in the end of this year, I decided that it was time for me to dedicate my fingers to dance for You. I thought You were always beautiful, sometime I made it as a “normal” thing, until I remembered that I might take You for granted. I believed I even saw Your miracles as normalcies. 

I did not reckon the last time I saw Your promises as graces. Sometime I even miss-interpreted my arrogance to be my so-called faith in You. I was “too sure” that You would always be there and help me. I forgot that I had to earn Your love, just like you had “earned” me with Your blood. My price to pay for Your love was nothing compared to your price to get me. Sadly, it had been a while I paid for it by serving You the way You deserved, worshipping You the way You had to be adored, and loving You the way You loved me. 

I trusted You too much, I wondered was it me trusting You or proxying my self-confidence by using Your name? Have I put You in the back and used my own weapon and shield? Have I put Your Words aside by walking on ways I deemed best? Have I shed sadness tears instead of tears for your sacrifice on the cross? All these questions were indeed the answer on how I had trusted my judgment more than Yours. No wonder You put me in pain as I had put You through sorrow all these times. 

But I still loved You deeply. I still thought about You. I still needed You the most. I still saw You as my Saviour. I still breath on Your love. I still longed for Your presence to guide me. I still wanted to hear Your voice. I still strongly consider You as my place to run, hid, and lean on. I still desired Your comfort. I still feared You as You were The Almighty. 

How could I not when You were my Creator?

All I asked was more time to show how I appreciate Your wonders in me. To show You how grateful I was for Your writings about me. How thankful I was that You made me happy even through trials. How amazed I was on Your thoughtfulness for my life. How impressed I was with Your words, though sometime I felt them like blade through my heart. How speechless You made me everytime You proved my prejudice and negativity wrong. How relieve I was when You banished all my wearies. How proud I was to call You My All in All. 

I begged you to not lash Your anger on me, for I knew I was incapable to bear your wrath.

I knew how worthless I was without You… 

May 2020  be the year when I could diminish Your anger, disappointment, sorrow toward me. For I want to make You smile as You had created moments for me to smile about throughout 2019.