His Perfect Life [7]: Entirely of Possibility - Part 2

She was just plain annoying. He bloody did not know why he asked her out for a lunch. Funny how he used to think her as an uber hot girl. He should have asked Avni out, instead!

He even had a spare time today during lunch hour, why did not he ask Avni out, again? Oh yeah, because panic gripped his heart when Alissa brought up about Avni. As someone who worshiped privacy, since his work also required him to do so, he hated the fact that a big mouth girl who happened to be the Undersecretary's daughter was pointing over his relationship with Avni.

He almost rolled his eyes like a girl with his own thought; relationship? As if he was brave enough to ask her out for a proper date her.

"Schylar, are you even listening to me?" Alissa's annoying voice interrupted his thoughts about Avni--his one in a million girl.

"Hmm... I'm sorry, what did you say?" He asked not really interested. His meal was long gone, not because he was hungry, simply because he wanted this lunch to be over already.

"I said, my dad wanted to meet you."

Yes, definitely a mistake--so much for being a polite gentleman.

****

After a quick, yet felt like forever lunch with Alissa, he went back to his office. He intentionally passed by Avni's office to have a quick glance or maybe to say hi and finally asked her out for a dinner. It is been three months and all he did was taking her over a cup of coffee only. She deserved more than that.

Disappointment crept upon his heart when he saw her empty office. And then he walked down to his office, wondering where she went and with whom she had her lunch with--almost for the whole day.

Too bad he always avoided using her numbers. Gosh! It had been three months, it was okay to call or text her something other than their coffee break, wasn't it? Or maybe not, she might be busy. She was definitely busy.

And then he busied himself with load of works to distract his wandering mind.

****

It was  4 o'clock sharp and he already sat in their usual table with their usual orders. Yet, she had not come yet. She was usually on time and now, she was 15 minutes late already. Her chai had gone cold. Everytime someone entered the coffee shop, his hope was blown up because it was not her--always not her.

Was she forget their usual coffee time? He finally called her and of course, her recorded voice asked him to call her later.

Damn. He missed her already.

After almost two hours of waiting and there was no sign of her arrival, he dumped her chai in the nearest garbage and walked out the coffee shop. Totally dejected.

Since his coffee with Avni was always being the highlight of his day, going back straight to his apartment without sending Avni home first seemed not appealing at all. Hence, a detour then he made. A detour that he took just like when his parents broke his heart severely, when he met her for the first time in that antique hot chocolate cafe.

Her Perfect Life [6] : Entirely of Possibility - Part 1

It's been like three or four months, she did not really bother to count the time. It seemed like she could not keep up anymore. Other than interesting conversations over a cup of mild coffee almost every single weekday with him, she found the idea of life a little dull. She basically researched, wrote, edited, reported, ate, and slept, repeatedly. She was thinking about having a vacation she did not deserve. At least, not yet.

With a heavy sigh, she glanced at her watch. It was almost lunch time. A smile formed softly in her face when she brought out her blue lunch box. Yesterday, during her coffee-break with him, she mentioned about her passion in making pastries, especially muffin. He was thrill to hear about that and asked her to bake for him. He even requested a macadamia nut one. And here it was, placed neatly in a lunch box.

When the clock was finally reaching mid day, she excitingly exited her room and approached his room on the other side of the building. Although their interaction mainly occurred during their coffee-break, since lunch-time usually off-limits, she gladly made an exception today. A stolen 5 to 10 minutes with him would not hurt her, would it?

Well, after all, he was currently the spice in her life. She even started to feel something for him, little by little. Yet, recognizing the said feeling was not wise. He even never asked her out more than enjoying a coffee. That thought slowed her step even when she had arrived almost in front of his office. His door was open like a silent invitation that she thought to reconsider.

"I heard you're dating someone for the last three months. Is the rumor true that the Great Schylar is finally falling?" A female voice coming from his office. It was Alissa, the girl who had been chasing after him forever. Well, who did not chase after someone like him? The depressing thought made her want to role her eyes instead. Especially, with the possibility of her joining the club. She cringed over that idea.

The topic Alissa raised intrigued her, nonetheless. She walked a little bit closer, act purely upon her curiosity.

"Where did you hear such a thing?" He answered rather distractedly.

"Well, I've seen you having a coffee with that Avni girl almost everyday. She is pretty, though." Alissa said flatly.

"You are pretty." He said.

"I take that as a compliment. Yet, I think my prettiness is not really useful since you never ask me out. Even for a friendly coffee-break."

She braced herself for his answer.

"Now that you have mentioned that, I'm taking you out for lunch today."

"And a coffee?" Alissa said excitingly.

"Well, only when you are not loathing me after our lunch."

"I won't!"

"In that case, shall we go?"

Before they walked outside his office, she left hastily--not wanting to get caught. After she arrived in the other side of the building, she tried to calm her heart. It beat a little funny. She sighed heavily and looked down to the yummy muffin. At least she got macadamia nut muffin for lunch. She would eat it here in the office...while enjoying the dull life. The dull life was possibly what she needed most now.

She shrugged the feeling off, they were apparently not so little anymore--and she despised that idea entirely. She preferred little. Little was safe.

After shutting her door and sitting in her desk, she was drowned by her work intentionally. At least she would get more work done, since she would skip a coffee-break today. And maybe tomorrow and the day after that. Not sure when she would want to have a coffee-break ever again.

Her Perfect Life [5] : Taking Chances

Today she opted to walk home, not in the mood to ride her bike. She loved this city during their so called summer afternoon. The sun was almost set, spreading its color to the blue sky. It was simply lovely. The temperature was okay, while the wind...it was another story to tell.

When she walked downtown, she thought about having a coffee break. She could watch people and listen to her iPod. Enjoying her quite time before it got hectic again, tonight. Yeah, a couple of hours would not hurt her articles. She entered her favorite cafe and stopped rather abruptly when she saw him queued. She tried to calm her nerve down and stood behind him, it wasn't like he would remember her.

Her fellow PhD student, yet his qualification was just way above her. He was also really handsome and tall, like all the guys Taylor Swift was singing about--unless, his skin was more golden with sandy blonde hair. Typical Caucasian. She could not help but thanked her lucky stars for giving her a fine sight for her sore eyes. Well, reading journals after journals for hours did that to her, obviously.

"I would like a double shot espresso, please." He ordered with his velvety baritone voice with a warm smile.

There was something about him that pulled her greatly. It was not only his look, considering the fact that she lived in a country where finest genes were produced. It was his kind but guarded eyes. She felt like he was so diplomatic with his life. From what she saw and heard about him during their first semester, he was a very friendly, smart and cheerful guy. Yet, she felt something was still different. There was more of him behind those hazel eyes.

"Your order please, Miss?" The other barista was suddenly open the other register, brought her back to reality.

"Oh... Umm... can I have a hot chai tea latte, please?"

"It's a coffee shop, you know, and they do have great coffee. It's too good to be missed." He said while waiting for his change. She looked at him rather surprisingly, before composing her demeanor.

"I'm not really a coffee person." She shrugged indifferently and gave the register several euros for her tea, while inside, she felt like dancing and jumping and did all those girly stuff.

"You are a PhD student, how could you not a coffee person?" He followed her to wait for their order.

"Well, coffee and I? I think I have a love-hate relationship with them. Are you a heavy coffee drinker?" She asked him, genuinely curious.

"Only when it is necessary."  

"That's okay, I guess. But wait, how could you know that I am a PhD student?" She knew it was normal for him to know that, but an ego booster wouldn't hurt, would it?

Suddenly, he weirdly look nervous and cleared his throat. "Ummm...I think I saw you in the library a lot."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, definitely library." He answered and put his hand in his pants' pocket--clearly fidgeting--made her want to grin so wide, it hurt.

"Funny, I rarely work in Library other than picking up references." Decided to have mercy on him, she smiled again. "I'm Avni, it's nice to finally meet you, Schylar."

He chuckled over her recognition and smiled sheepishly, "I know you, Avni."

"Likewise..." She smiled softly and butterflies exploded in her guts. Damn, she felt like a fool now. Like a love struck--more likely a fan-girl, since he was so popular.

Eventually, he took both of their cups and looked at her warmly, "Shall we?"

"Lead the way." She said and let him picked their table. Once he stopped, she smiled softly because he chose her favorite table near the big wide window.

And there they sat until the sun was finally set.

Until he walked her to her doorstep and promised another coffee break together with her.

Until her spot became theirs.

Until days became weeks. 

And weeks became months...

Until now.

Her Perfect Life [4] : The Broken Knight in The Shining Armor and The Perfect Damsel in Distress

----

Today was just the worst. She walked through the long road home because she needed to think. Think over her conversation with her parents. How they still upset about her choice to pursue PhD right after her Master. Like come on, what was wrong with that choice? It was not like she wanted to run away from her responsibility to enter the 'real life'. 

PhD was also a big deal. Who wants to run away by undertaking 4 years of endless research? Putting their life at stake. It is laughable to think how people determine life by seeing how much money they can earn. She remembered the day when her parents were really proud of her because she was granted a full scholarship for her Master degree. But now, after she was officially unemployed and intending to pursue PhD rather than being a corporate slave, they suddenly stopped being proud.

Funny how demand could escalate quickly, you could never keep up. Funny how achievement or higher education did not matter anymore once you were not a money producer--like society demanded you to be. Was life really that simple? Earning money and die? Was money determining your value? Was nothing greater than money existing in life? Was happiness only coming from material treasure?

She knew she made a very harsh assumption about society. Who was she kidding? She needed money herself--yet, after endless study about money in her Master and how (already rich) people greedily conducted any method to earn more and more--it made her sick. It was not a life she ever imagined to live. She wanted a life with meaning. Where she could work passionately not only for herself, but also for others. She wanted to be useful for the people in a greater way. 

However, until now, nobody really gave her chance. It made her questioning herself, she hated it. It made her doubting her quality. And discouragement from people that she cared about did not help her situation. She wished for a safe haven where she could run into without running away from her problems. She wished for someone that would support and believe in her delirious dreams. She wished for someone who was strong enough for her to lean on.

She snorted--like that kind of person exist. Well, he was exist once before he went away and broke her heart severely. Made everything worse and damaged her further. She did not need that kind of distraction in the foreseeable future. Especially now, when she needed to fix her path and made the right decision. 

Or so she thought...

----

If today was not the worst, he did not know how to describe this situation any better. He practically flee from his parents--could not stand any more conversation about his brother's political campaign or his younger brother's appointment as a doctor. They did not even blink on the news about how he got accepted for a PhD program in the best university. Just because he only worked in Parliament for the past three years, while his older brother running for a Mayor, no pride was left behind for him. He worked for the greater society for crying out loud. He would also soon be promoted as the Prime Minister's executive staff after his PhD. Yet, no one care--as usual. Who was he kidding?

Despite of his border-less freedom, he started to wish for someone to truly care about him--not love, but care. Sometime people claim that they love him, yet they actually did not care. Who needed that kind of love? He thought about how right people who said that love's age was basically short. At the end of the day, he realized that nothing could please his parents, no matter how high his achievements were and how much expensive stuff he bought for them, they were already blinded by their so called love upon his siblings. Ah, that was the perk of being a trophy child, right? 

They only talked highly about him when people were around, but in front of him? Zero.

He snorted--how pathetic. Begging for an attention from his own parents like a teenager. Begging for an equal treatment like an adolescent. The saddest part was, they were unconsciously did that to him. No parents wanted to admit that they preferred certain child from the others. Like come on, loving equally was true, but human was human, we were born to have preference. Therefore, it was not about loving equally, it was about preferring equally--a concept which unfortunately did not exist.

----

She walked really fast in order to arrive in her apartment before it was raining. Nevertheless, like her other shattered hope, the sky chose to be overly empathized and cried for her. The vicious rain then forcing her to stop by in the nearest cafe. Maybe that was what she needed--a moment of silence in a cute cafe while watching the rainy weather. 

The gloomy weather outside was perfectly describing the pity-party inside her. She sat in the corner, a table for two beside the big wide window. After picking up her mug full of hot chocolate, she warmed her hands and observed people who practically running or simply walking under their umbrella. A mom who carried her daughter close. A dad who held his son's hand. A couple that embraced each other closely. The view made her realize how lonely she was, though.

It was poignant.

Until her eyes caught a certain handsome guy, who walked aimlessly in the street. He was drenched by the rain. She watched him with interest, not because his strong jaw or his blonde locks for that matter, and lets not forget his hot body. She smiled a little at her admission in the middle of this miserable condition before focusing on those sad and lost hazel eyes. She could tell that he was in a deep agony.

The fixer in her wanted to run and hug him. But who she was kidding, a guy like him probably had many women throw themselves on him? And her? She was too tired to fight for attention or love. If the people who supposed to love her did not even bother, why should she try on people who did not born with that capacity? 

She glanced a her hot chocolate. Silently cursed the tears that were now flowing freely.

----

He cursed under his breath for the sudden rain, validating his worst day into amazingly fucked up one. He basically walked the street like it did not bug him. He did not really care right now. Until he saw his favorite cafe that served his favorite espresso. He stood in front of the cafe and stopped his step rather abruptly because of the woman who currently sat near the window.

She appeared so broken and lonely. He even caught her wiped away her tears.

He looked away--did not want her to catch him watching. He exhaled softly before entering the cafe. After ordering his usual signature double espresso, he started to search for the perfect seat to think. He strolled to a table for two right across her. Once he sat there, she caught his eyes. Her eyes widened before she looked away and sipped from her mug--obviously fidgeting, made his lips twitched, amused. 

He used the opportunity to checked her out blatantly. She was really pretty. Not stunningly beautiful, but real sweet in the eye. There was something about her, though. Way beyond her appearance. Not that he found her unattractive, it was just her character spoke louder than her physic. It was a great pull for him. Despite of her sad eyes behind the geeky glasses, he found her like a giant magnet. He did not know why. 

Not until those sorrowful dark brown eyes finally stared back at him.

And there... like a punch in the gut, he just came across another functionally dysfunction soul, like his.

After: The Stormy Northern Coast

What would I give to live where you are?

What would I pay to stay here beside you?

What would I do to see you smiling at me?

Where would we walk, where would we run. 

If we could stay all day in the sun.

Just you and me and I could be part of your world!

---

The vicious wind pounded her window and the rain poured into the fragile glass like a bucket of ice cold water. She did not even know why she ended up in this wasted place where the clock ticked so slow. Where quietness was an ordinary harmony. Where dynamic was a foreign term. Everything moved in snail pace.

She used to celebrate this time of year among the crowd. Where she would drink and dance all night. Where she would kiss him when the clock stroke midnight. Where they would end up cuddling the next day because of the maddening hangover.

New year...

She sighed heavily. Snuggled deeper on her couch within the safety of her thick blanket, secretly wishing for a brand new start tomorrow.

***

Meanwhile, up in the north, where the coast granted the local with amazing weather, a guy drunk himself in his mom's fluffy grey couch. He wished for the alcohol to defeat him while helping him to sleep the night off. The older you get, the more you could care less about the whole 'new year new me' bullshit. He knew way better than that.

He laughed here and there, smiled to his nephew and nieces who were given an exceptional late bed time. He watched his big family snuggled close with each other in his parents' living room. In addition to his beloved ones, there was also her, the nurse of his broken heart. They thought he was now already healed--she healed him. Maybe she did... He honestly did not know the cause of his sudden melancholic mood. Maybe it was just a new year eve thing. There would always be something missing within him during this particular night.

He used to hug her so tightly during this time of the year. Or she dragged him to dance. After that, he would kissed her when they started the new year. It felt like a fresh start whenever he possessed the privilege to envelop her in his arms. Even when they both suffered a severe hangover the next day, they would never complain for the annual hibernation day. They usually spent the first day of every year tending each other's headache with more cuddles and breakfast in bed.

New year...

He stared into space and drunk another shot of Russian vodka, secretly wishing for another au courant beginning when it was finally January the 1st.

***

The bird chirped like mad this morning. She opened her heavy eyes for the first sunrise in the  new year. She smiled to herself--she made it into morning after the stormy night. Reluctantly, she forced herself to rise from her comfortable couch. She picked many papers from the wooden floor--the draft of her new novel. She did not even aware of the mess last night--too caught up with the thought of him.

She stared at the work piece in her hands. Her new handwriting--the reason why she needed to isolate herself in this remote place.

After securing the new script on her working desk, she opened her slightly damped curtain. The golden hours tempted her to bundle up and take a walk around the hills. She fell into the temptation willingly and covered herself with a thick ponco--did not really bother to put on her winter jacket. The temperature would not be that bad, wouldn't it?

Once she crossed her little house's threshold, she inhaled the refreshing air.

And then she felt it...

She felt something shifted within her. It felt like her broken heart mended itself. Like the tight rope that bond her chest was no longer exist. It was a remarkable relief. Yes, she admitted that the vicious knot was now turned into a scar. Yes, it was still there but it did not hurt like it used to be.

Suddenly, the urge to run to the cliff and watching the crazy ocean--the closest she could get to him--kicked her aggressively. She wanted to see the crazy, wavy and wild ocean in which she strangely found her solace. She broke herself free trough the hills. She ran, ran and rand. Enjoying the tranquility within her.

Eventually, she stopped on the edge of the highest brink with labored breaths. She watched the ocean and how the sun shone upon it... It was so beautiful, she wanted to cry.

The time that she had been waiting patiently for months was here. Her wait was over. She could finally find the beauty in her pain. The lessons of her suffering. And realized that only her can mend herself... She was her own remedy.

And on that day, on the first day of January, she laughed through her tears while reaching out for another part of her who was now across the violent ocean.

"I let you go..."

With that whisper she collapsed and cried like she never cried before. He was indeed so far away... just like what he said when he let her go.

***

"I let you go..."

He woke up with a jolt. Fuck! He dreamed about her. After all these months, she came into his dream again. He cursed under his breath, did not want to draw any attention. Although it was an unclear dream, he felt that his heart was like broken all over again.

His headache was now attacking him with full force. His lungs felt so tight and he needed to get out from the house immediately to clear his mind.

He changed fast into his running gear and ran out from the house like it was on fire. No, it was who was on dreadful fire. His chest was burning--it hurts so bad. He ran and ran and ran. He tried to set aside the pain. The pain of hearing her voice again, yet could not see her face.

How could they end up like this?

Suddenly the memory of their painful farewell months ago was barreling into his already messy thought. Ironically, on the first day of January, a brand new day, his past decided to invade every cell of his body. It felt like a physical pain. The more he ran, the more it blew his gut.

And finally...after 5 miles, he stopped suddenly in an almost deserted beach. In the ocean that separated him from her. He remembered those days when he came here often just to feel connected with her. In here, only the big wide ocean that parted them...nothing more. While in reality, they both knew the amount of the obstacles were unbeatable.

He closed his eyes. Funny, how he found his utmost comfort in a place where he felt closest to her.

"I miss you..."

He whispered through the wind--willingly submitted to his overwhelming feeling.

***

It was a day like this that made all the agony worth it--the day her novel was published. In several minutes, she would have a book signing in her favorite bookstore in that city. It might not a big one, yet it was her favorite. The concept of the bookstore was interesting. The owner adjoined the bookstore with a coffee shop, made the bookstore looked like an old yet captivating library.

After a signal from the owner, she sat on the small desk while, to her surprise, many people filled the area in before her. They were ready to listen about the story behind the newest novel.

The event started with the opening speech from the owner then before he let several readers to ask her question after question. She answered every single question patiently--hopping she was not appeared too reserved about it. She loved to expose herself in her art works but not directly in front of others like this.

"Last question..." the owner said after picked a girl in front.

"Why did you name this book as "The Closure"?"

She smiled at her question. Could not help but stole a glance to the corner table in the coffee shop. A table for two. Where everything began. When she fell in love...

"Have you ever feel the need to leave something behind? You dwell in it for a very long time. While deep down, you know that you should let it go at some point because sooner or later, it would hurt you badly if you insist to preserve such thing.

I name this new baby of mine as "The Closure" because I believe that every closure is always be the beginning of something better.

It is a moment when you overcome yourself and your struggle is finally paid off. It is a mark when you finally elevate yourself into a whole new higher level. As ironic as it may sound, people will finally learn their lessons precisely at the really end of every circumstance. At the end of every memory. At the end of love. At the end of commitment...even, at the end of their life.

Through this novel, I would like to share the art of letting go. To bravely reach out for your closure--no matter how hard it might be. You have been delaying your happiness for far too long.

At the end of the day, only you who can heal your self..."

***

He hated Paris. Especially, when it was raining like now. His bastard boss sent him here to finish some deals. Thanked God, it was over now. After almost two days of not sleeping, his meeting was finally over this morning. He was hopping for a better weather so he could do some sightseeing or met his French colleagues. Or he would just go to his favorite coffee shop in Paris, Café de Flore. Since he had a serious need of caffeine today, he knew Café de Flore's traditional French café crème would satisfy the need perfectly.

He walked through Saint Germain, blended with the Parisians on one of their crowded streets. Other than being so touristy, he should admit that Saint Germain was artsy. However, before he reached the coffee shop, he stopped by to his--well, her favorite book store: Librairie L'Ecume des Pages. He felt like torturing himself further today. Although he realized that February was approaching, he still had the urge to feel the abstract connection with her. 

He entered the place. For some pathetic reason, he knew that her book was released today--maybe that was the main reason why his evil heart dragged him to this bookstore. He, once again, tried to talk himself for not going to that shelf in the other side of the room, where her books were tucked safely, ready to be a sold-out in no time. Nevertheless, he was too weak. He gave in to his pathetic heart and approached the "New Arrival" shelf. His rather shaking hand reached out for her newest novel. He caressed the cover. The red cover where her initial crafted prettily in front of it. With a very heavy heart, he opened the book...

"...pour chaque conversation qui est en train de devenir des mots vides

pour chaque rêve qui est maintenant oublié

pour chaque promesse qui est maintenant brisée

et pour chaque histoire qui est maintenant abandonnée...la clôture."

If only she knew...

With that thought, he left her "Closure" behind and walked away. Ready to survive on the life she was finished with.

....

.....

***FIN***

PS: Hey guys, I apologize for the very late editing process. Now, I hope I made this piece better. It was a story that I wrote really late at night and posted rather hastily. I think I gotta need to tune down my impulsiveness. The urge to share this work kinda overcome my perfectionism tendency. And yes, I released this post when it was super ugly and full of errors. Please, accept this apology. Enjoy =)

First Dates

"So what's next?" Alric asked Dalia expectantly.

"Hmmm... let me see on my list." Dalia said and her eyebrows furrowed--fully concentrated with the list in her phone.

Alric could not help himself but studying her and smiling. She was just so gentle and funny. He was one lucky bastard. Suddenly, his chest felt so tight when he realize how lucky he was. The revelation was so painful that he had to set aside the overwhelming feeling. He needed to focus on the present time. Today was all about her and...maybe also him.

"You are so crazy!" He responded, tried to light up the mood.

She grinned so wide and said, "How can you just figure it out ow? Let's go! I want to take a walk in Central Park with you! Or maybe we can also ride the famous carousel?"

"What? Riding a carousel? No!"

"Coward!"

He laughed and walked beside her. Deep down, they both knew that he would ride the carousel with her in the end. Hell, he would do anything for her today!

On that afternoon, they tried to blend in with New Yorkers but her eyes were too greedy. They roamed all over the places like it was her first time. While she was savoring of the buzzing 5th Avenue, he watched her carefully. She was so carefree--so pain free. He was amazed by her. How could she do that in front of him?

Nevertheless, he knew better than that. He noticed how sometime she stared into space sadly. He wished he could envelope her and shield her from the excruciating pain. But how? Well, at least today he would endeavor to be her wishes-granting factory.

"You know what, I'm kind of curious. What kind of date--" He wondered out loud.

"Dates!" she cut him quickly and made him chuckle.

"I'm sorry, let me re-phrase that. So, what kind of dates require a lot of activity?"

"Hmmm...well, since it's our first date--"

"Dates!" he playfully mimicked her previous objection.

"Yes, I mean first dates. Gosh, you are so annoying!" Dalia pouted, made him laughing more.

"Let's go fulfilling your list before it's dark!"

"It's fine, afternoon stroll at the Central Park with you is my last list, though." She said with her toothy grin--again. Made him wanted to punch someone in the face--probably himself.

"Okay then..."

And they fell into a very comfortable silence. New York City during rush hour had spoken enough for both of them, until he remembered that she had not answered his question.

"By the way, you haven't answered my question, D." Alric whispered suggestively in Delia's ears.

"Well, because I want to make up for our lost time in the past and future." Delia shrugged Alric's gesture like it was nothing.

Alric smirked and played along with her indifferent attitude. While Delia ignored his reckless flirty gesture, Alric chose to shrug her point about their future. It was just not appealing to think about the future.

"Ah! That's your carousel! Shall we take a ride?" He asked looking at her. However, the girl in front of him was too busy looking at her feet.

"D, what's wrong?"

"Umm...well--I..umm..would you t-take my hand?" She cringed with her own question. It made Alric grinned widely. The idea of touching her was fascinating. He never tried but now that she offered her hand to him, he took her hand like there was no tomorrow. Like there was no consequences.

"Like this?" His big hand swallowed her small one. Her gaze shifted to their adjoined hands. Just like him, she seemed amazed with the newly formed bond.

"Like that..." She answered him softly and finally looked straight to his eyes, smiling sweetly. He felt that her look penetrated his soul against his will but he dismissed it immediately. He tugged her gently and embarked the carousel. 

She squealed delightfully when he lifted her by the waist onto the nearest hobbyhorse. He chuckled in return and just stood beside her after that. She was so hypnotizing. So pure... so naive. The way she soaked up all the simple happiness around her made him wanted to guard her from all the ugliness. But, how could he protect her from himself?

Simple. He could not.

If he wanted to protect her, he should have left her alone and never returned when their situation went south. The thought alone gutted him deeply, nonetheless. It seemed like she was simply unavoidable. That was her--his unavoidable. His unintended. 

When she looked up to him with that loving eyes so obvious--he kissed her forehead. If only she knew how he loved her deeply. How he needed her in his life. How he wanted her to always be there for him. Sadly, not in that way... Not in her way of loving, needing and wanting him.

They stayed like that because both of them were so selfish. That night, they threw their responsibilities out of the window. They devoured each other's happiness carelessly, and made many irrevocably cherished memories to last a lifetime. For they fully realized that tomorrow was never promised...

***FIN***

PS: I listened to Adele's "All I Ask" over and over again when I wrote this piece. Such an inspiring ballad indeed!

From Time to Time (1): Gemini's Case

Ira was sitting on her desk, hopping the hours to finish immediately. It did not mean that she dislike her job because her work was always interesting. Despite of her disability to divide between working behind her desk or simply being a happy go lucky girl who observed every single detail, she functioned just fine so far. Including today, when she finally agreed to go out for a cocktail with her long time high school friend. 

Beep beep beep!

Her alarm blasted throughout her highly hygienic room. Funny how this institution still using those crazy alarm to remind people that they have life other than helping others. As funny as it might sound, helping people did not mean to lose yourself in process. For one could not help others while she needs to be helped herself. 

Ira took her bag from her desk and walked of to her social activity--or well, one could hardly define this as a regular night out' Since it was 'that' friend, with a heavy heart she should admit that this meeting would just another work in the field.

Well, who would complain anyway? She secretly loved it!

****

One month and a half ago...

Gemini sat across Ira in a burger booth. It was lunch time and as a successful CEO, Gemini could just get out from her office and kidnapped a lowly staff like Ira from her work. She said that she needed Ira to fulfill her emergency best friend's duty. Ira knew that kind of language and phrase. A lot of people related her with those labels. First, the emergency term and second, the best friend status. 

Ironically, in contrast with popular believe, Ira never really awarded anyone with the second title. But she kept that fact to herself only. She most definitely knew that once people realize that whatever they feel towards other was one sided, they would close off and run. Ira hated to disappoint people and she knew that once she broke their trust, her mission would be nothing but a failure. 

And the emergency term, people always came to her when they face an emergency issue within. Sometime their opposite was their own self and character, but other time, they usually have a problem with other person. Which for Ira was the same because she was still the person who analyze, calculate, and give advise to solve the problem.

Just like today, when she fulfilled her duty as Gemini's friend to solve her emergency problem.

"So, what's up?" Straight to the point, Ira felt like skipping any typical chit-chat because the only one who wanted to know about the other's update was Ira, as ironic as it could be. Yet, she would not complain since baring herself was never an option.

"I'm in love!" Gemini shrieked excitedly.

"Oh yeah?" Nothing new.

"With my best friend! You know Grandie, my long time best friend!"

"Really?" 

This was news! 

"How? I mean not that I don't know about his not-so-secretive feeling for you, but when did you finally realize that you are in love with him? You said not long time ago that he was childish, not your type and definitely not a husband material?" Despite of her previous swear to not investigate her friend, Ira could not help but to ask so many questions--as usual.

"Well, actually that's the reason I was a little reluctant to share this news. I was afraid of your judgement..."

"You know I never judge and never will. Call it a pure curiosity...as always." Ira cut Gemini's statement so she would not doubt her way of thinking.

"Ummm...where should I start?..."

It turned out that Gemini's feeling for Grandie changed because of his endless effort to touch Gemini's heart. According to Gemini, Grandie was always there  for her whenever she needed him. Of course it was not something new. From the very beginning when Gemini told Ira about Grandie, she knew almost instantly that the guy had feeling for her friend. But Gemini would always be Gemini, always hunted for perfection. And currently, her version of perfection was Grandie. 

She then proceeded to elaborate the rest of Grandie's strength point and loving gesture toward her. She especially loved his hard-working nature. Unlike Gemini, Gandie was an artist. He was in the process to open his personal painting gallery. In order to achieve that goal, he was now working every job he could get. Despite of the uncertain outcome whether he would succeed or not, Gemini said that she admired Gandie's tenacity nonetheless. She valued Grandie as a man that knew what he was doing.

However the conversation should be cut short, due to Ira's short lunch break. Ira decided to deliver her best wishes for both of them in response. She was relieved that finally Gemini could clear the water with Gandie. 

From Ira's point of view, friendship was the true strong foundation in a relationship after love. She believed that love had a very short age, lust even shorter. Hence, when love faded away, friendship would remain along the way. 

You always needed your friend. When you broke up with your lover, you would always run to your friends. When we applied the metaphor situation above in a relationship's context, it was clear that the perfectly imperfect partner was both our lover and friend. And he or she would always be the person we would run to in the end. 

Ira was happy for her friend's love life ending. Or so she thought...

****

"Hello!" Gemini greeted Ira rather too happily. She found it a little suspicious. Despite of her lack of update about Grandie, Ira assumed that they were now living happily ever after. Nevertheless, like one wise man said, never ever assume things.

"Hey, how are you?" Ira replied politely and took her seat in front of Gemini at their favorite local bar. She ordered a light cider, since it was not Friday night and for some reasons, she thought that she might need to be sober now.

"I'm really really good! How about you?" Gemini appeared to be ready to dance away her incredibly good mood.

"Good, thank you." There, Ira answered it sufficiently. "So, how's it going? Seeing from your mood today, I must say that you are delightful now. Grandie?"

"Ah! That's the thing! I'm in love with someone new!"

"Huh? What?"

Apparently, even after endless tales about guys lined up in Gemini's life, she never failed to surprised Ira about her love life.

"Yes! Oh my gosh, Ira! He is so handsome. So manly! And you know what? He's also the founder and CEO of this heap online company. Ain't that exciting? He's really sweet--"

"Wait, hold that thought. How long have you been with him or at least...knowing him, you know."

"Umm...a month ago?"

"Okayyy...." Ira started to calculate the gap between this meeting with their previous meeting six weeks ago. She tried to sync Gemini's statement with her sane sense .

"And how long has he been approaching you?"

"Ummm also a month ago?"

"When did you start feel something for him?"

"Ummm...honestly, a month ago?"

"You do realize that you are saying that you fall for him now, right?"

"Yes, yes I do!" Gemini said cheerfully.

In order to complete her investigation about Gemini's new crush, (yes, Ira concluded that there was no way love could be that easy, right?) Ira decided to keep the whole Grandie topic later.

"Why?"

"Because he is really perfect!" Gemini really smiled from time to time whenever she answered Ira's questions.

"No one is perfect." Ira could not help but interject that point. For her, perfection was never exist. Especially, when you related the term with a human being.

"I know but he is perfect for me, I guess. More than any other men, at the moment..."

"How about Grandie? Don't you think that he might be jealous with him? I don't think he will be okay with this, either." There, Ira finally gave her ultimate weapon away.

"But I am not with him. He's not my boyfriend."

"But your feeling--"

"Well Ira, Grandie simply doesn't fit. He is an artist. He does not have a clear plan ahead or even foreseeable future for that matter. You know, he is working randomly just to fund his project right now. Like come on, his path is not clear at all. While, this other guy? He has a clear plan and path for his future. I mean, as the CEO of a company that is bigger than mine, he is clearly a visionary who knows what he is doing, right? I mean what do you think about him? He's perfect, right?"

There were a lot of 'clear' there and ironically, Gemini coupled the word with future. A pair of word that Ira believed also did not match at all. For the first time in her life, Ira held her honesty tongue as Gemini's friend.

Scarily, Gemini's idea of love forced Ira to act professional even with her own friend. It was like Ira stepped out of her box and tried to understand Gemini's confession and comparison about Grandie and the new guy objectively. She then began her discovery with Gemini to understand more, because Ira believed that no one could judge others, except that they were the judges themselves--literally.

Seeing that Gemini was expecting her response, Ira knew that she had to answer.

"Yeah, I think he's perfect. Are you with him now?"

"That's the thing. He gave me a lot of signs but before he did anything about it, I already made it clear that I don't want a relationship now. I explained that other than marriage, there was no guarantee for a relationship to work. I'm really tired with break ups, you know."

"What if you meet someone better than him?"

"Well, I'm not looking right now and he's there and perfect--"

"What if he meets someone else?"

"Well, if she's good for him and he finds that she suits him. Then, I will just let him go." Gemini shrugged the thought off like Ira did not imply the possibility of her being a brokenhearted once again, despite of the absence of relationship's label.

"Will you be okay with that?"

"I think, I will be..." She said it lightly.

That was when Ira knew that she was lying. There was no way that you would not get affected if the one that you love left you for other person. Unless, you did not really love him.

"Are you sure? I'm just afraid that your heart will break when he thinks that you are not his girlfriend, so he can just pursue another woman while you are there, devoting yourself to him."

"I'm not actually devoting myself for him--"

"But you claimed that you loved him?"

"Well, he understands my concept that the only commitment that I can accept right now is marriage."

"So, you are saying that you do not want a relationship but want a marriage? You do realize that marriage is also classified as relationship, right?"

"Ira, my point is, I just want to let it flow until--"

"He's ready to propose you and skipping this whole boyfriend-girlfriend process?"

"Yes, I guess..."

Ira knew that she had to stop after Gemini showed a nervous gesture by sipping her tea uncomfortably in order to escape the prolonging their discussion.

"If that is what you want, then go for it! If he understands your concept, then you got yourself a keeper, right?"

Gemini grinned widely, loving Ira's approval.

"Just, don't lead Grandie on anymore, though."

"Nope! I already told him about this new guy. You know me and Grandie, we can never be more than friends I guess."

"Is he okay with that?" Ira was now really really confuse.

"I think he is, well he did not say much."

That's because he loves you, damn it!

Inside, Ira was struggling with her own self. She really wanted to criticize Gemini's mechanism of 'falling in and out of love', but somehow it felt more than that! She was hating Gemini's treatment to Grandie. He was being taken for granted by her. Yet, mostly she loathed Gemini's treatment to herself.

From her spot, Ira could see a frightened girl. She was so terrified by the idea of being hurt all over again in the name of love. A girl that needed assurance--a guarantee of happiness in a relationship. Despite of her verbal acceptance over imperfection, she still desired otherwise. Perfection was her ultimate goal in a guy, that was why she never stopped to find a better person to land her feeling. It was really sad how Gemini undervalued her capability to be brave enough and taking chances. Taking risk to experience and even greater happiness. Yes, it might not be comfortable but you would step on a higher lever if you take it. You will get new lessons. If only Gemini could accept that perfection did not exist at all.

For Ira, it was really sad because no one was worthy to demand perfection from others. That request was simply unfair since neither sides were perfect. On the other hand, Gemini's case (as Ira liked to label it) taught Ira that the only sure thing about feeling was... they could be deceiving. One day you were so sure that you felt a certain emotion toward others, but one could never guarantee that it would be constantly that way.

Then why does my feeling never change even until now?

Rather abruptly, Ira terminated her wandering thoughts. She decided to take her afternoon drink easy. She changed their conversation's subject and talked more about Gemini's company. Obviously, she was trying to run away from her own feeling because she knew that dealing with other's was much easier.

***FIN***

Her Perfect Life [3] : Let it Snow

She sipped the hot chocolate while watching people passed by the coffee shop. She always had a thing with a big wide window where she could observe her surrounding. She loved how every person interacted with each other. When she saw a couple in love before her, the sight made her sighed and missed him eventually. Yet, she understood the fact that their world was different. Beside their beautiful relationship, each one of them had their own business that also needed attention. He was not her universe like she wasn't his, but it did not mean they loved each other any less. That was how they shared their life together. 

She shook her thoughts about him. Today was her 'me time' day and she intended to spend it well before going back to her dissertation. After smiling kindly for a little girl with the cutest pink winter coat, who bounced while holding her mom's hand, she turned her attention back to her most favorite novel: Harry Potter.

She read the story silently. The Christmas carols played softly in the cafe. It was so comfortable and warm--made her missed home, though. However, she knew that distance clearly made the heart grew fonder. Boy, if it was not the truth. She found her relationship with her family was tricky. After living alone for almost five years, it would always work best if there was distance between them. She did not know whether she should be sad about it or not.

It was not because she did not love them--actually it was not about love and affection at all. Maybe when you grew up, you changed inevitably. You possessed your own character, you were your own person, and you were ready to build something on your own.

It was nice to have your clan closely, a place where you could always call home, but somehow you had been set up for a totally different setting at some point. You craved the freedom they could not give. Most of all, she knew her time to stand on her own feet has come. Funnily, she did not complain at all. She loved the independence that came with it. Honestly, it was a privilege when you were able to manage your own space to grow.

Suddenly, something shifted outside the window. It effectively disrupted her attention. She looked over the window and gasped! It was snowing outside! The first snow! She grinned widely, watching the snow like it was her first time. Always so magical and soothing--it was like the snowflakes absorb every clatters in the street.

She closed her eyes...content.

When she opened them...there he was, standing outside the coffee shop. He was standing exactly in front of her, holding a piece of paper that said:

I missed you today. 

He then changed the paper with another one.

I know today is our 'me time' day but it's the first snow. 
Share a cup of hot choco and that fatty cheese cake with me, will you? 

And more...

I promise I will read that ol' Harry Potter book for you?

She giggled and nodded enthusiastically. The crazy guy, annoyed the hell out of her but she did not want to have him any other way. He gave her his perfect boyish grin in return and jogged into the coffee shop. He then took a seat beside her and held her close.

She buried her face on his neck and inhaled his manly yet sweet scent. He smelled like those irises from Tuscany and sandalwood--strong yet reassuring. Her own version of solace.

Perfect day indeed.

Almost

He was sitting in front of her. Nothing was said, they just looked into each other's eyes. Savoring the sight that would soon be memories. The cafe was not so crowded yet not really empty either. Several people just enjoying the jazzy music echoing through the dimmed lighted room. It was a sweet day though, the first snow just fell down, covering the already cold soil. The sky was pretty gloomy but the Christmas decoration brightened up the mood. The silence almost felt so comfortable. Ah. That was the word... almost.

"I am so sorry..." He started the conversation, breaking the spell. It was not because he needed words. In fact, they did not need them at all, but some things were better to be spoken while others... let's just say that not all things should be declared out loud.

"What for?" She smiled at his words--not confuse a bit because she already knew the direction of this conversation. It was just good to make him say it first. It was not only to stroke her womany pride but she simply did not want to assume too far. She wanted to learn his depth before disclosing hers.

"I wish I approached you sooner. I wish the situation were different. I wish... Seems like I'm about to have a lot of wishes right now." He chuckled, she could not help but giggled.

"Well, it's a week before Christmas and you know, wishes that revolve around me? I think it won't be that bad." She smirked at him, tried to lighten up their mood by coating the serious topic with a joke.

"No, it will never be bad." He caressed her ring finger that was now beautified by a pretty diamond ring.

"Just come to my wedding, friend." She smiled and squeezed his much larger hands. She did not deny, nor confirm about her desire toward him. He was right, the situation was not in their favor, but they both knew that it was for the best. They were a good friend. Their friendship was so pure, it was just too precious to be tainted by a messy romance. Both of them also could not even picture a future where they might involve as a lover. No, they were perfect as a friend. Only a friend.

He smiled at her sincerely when she stood, gave him a warm hug and a lovely peck on his cheek.

"Take care!" She said cheerfully. Too cheerful for his liking but who could blame her? She deserved to be this happy and content. Even, when his heart was almost breaking

"You too..."

And then she waltzed out to the snowy weather, leaving him with his still warm and untouched coffee.

Almost...

Her Perfect Life [2] : Satellite

It was a really long day even it was only five in the afternoon. After a non-stop work she had, she finally submitted her first of many papers to her lecturer--just like a normal PhD student. At the time she left her office, her stomach was growling since she skipped her lunch time. Now, she was just too tired to stop by and judging from the weather, it would not be long until the heavy rain poured down. She decided to go home directly and cook some.

She parked her bike and entered her apartment. In the voyeur, she could listen John Mayer's songs were playing softly. She smiled to herself and took off her shoes. Noises coming from the kitchen, followed by a mouth watering smell of food. There he was, too busy cooking their meals to notice her arrival. Slowly she approached him and buried her face in his strong and broad back. He smells so good. He smells just like him...

"Welcome home!" He turned around and enveloped her with his strong arms. 

Yeah, definitely felt like home.

"How are you?" He asked.

She just shook her head, too tired and too hungry to answer. He just chuckled before pulled her to her seat in the breakfast bar.

"Dinner is about to ready!"

She smiled when he was back from the kitchen with lasagna.

"Do you want white wine with it?" he asked and she answered it with an enthusiastic nod. He was only laughing and brought her a glass of wine as well.

Once he was sat in his chair, she raised from hers and hugged him tightly. She kissed his temple as an appreciation for his effort to make her happy.

"Thank you..." she said before went back to her high chair and dig into her lasagna.

They ate in silent but enjoyed their dessert with a lot of update about each other's day or argumentation here and there about current political issues. For her, they were so compatible because they could talk about every single thing. They can easily debate each other and deliver their opinion confidently without any real tension--only to broaden their knowledge about each other's personality and point of views. 

She took his hands in hers after they put their dishes in the dishwasher. She pulled him to her favorite spot in front of her apartment's big wide windows.

"Watch the rain with me before going home, will you?" she asked him and of course, he answered her by pulling her to his lap and covering them both with a warm blanket. He hugged her tightly before kissing her forehead. They snuggled without words, watching the heavy rain and enjoying the sweet sound of it. 

She closed her eyes. Content.

It seemed like her world went back to its axis whenever he was around. He was her imperfectly perfect satellite.

Her Perfect Life [1] : Detachment

The birds were chirping happily complimented the sweet sound of the rain. It was 6.30 in the morning, she opened her heavy eyes lazily. The rain constantly knocked upon her big wide window gently. She smiled, she loved the rain. She wished she could stay in her comfortable bed for the whole day, well she got work to do and she loved her job. 

She took a shower in her small yet sufficient bathroom. This one bedroom apartment was everything she ever wanted. The kitchen was not really big but the bar was a perfect size for two. The living room was enough to accommodate one couch and a medium size TV--even when she did not really watch it. What made her fall instantly with the apartment was the patio, it was also her corner to read and write. A place where she could watch people walk by the canal or just simply sit and did her research or wrote her novel.

After a quick shower, she prepared her day carefully. Did not want to miss anything. When everything were set--she wore her favorite black coat and rode her bike to work. She was so ready to start her Monday, despite of her short grudge when she woke up. She really did love her quiet and free life. Detachment--that what she was made for. Yet, she was not sorry for that.

****

She loved her small city. The ride to her work place was really short and pleasant. The soft drizzles did not even affect her mood--if not improve it already. She felt the mellow alright in her chest but no harm came from it anyway. She passed the downtown, smiled to familiar faces. Maybe they were not familiar enough, but it was okay because she loved this anonymous life. Drama free. She could take care of her life properly and still be happy. On the other hand, she could fulfil every single need her family ever desired--even when she was not with them. At some point, distance was the one who could fix and improve. 

She smiled to herself and let the rain caressed her face. Life's good...

Her Dream Paradox

It was a gloomy afternoon, after a lot of debate with myself whether to go to the exhibition, I finally arrived in the building. I knew I needed to be ready, though. Ready to face him again after all this time... Ah time, I wish it was on my side right now. Unlike before... or the even the time before that.

****

Before

I got several pictures in my shaking hands. I did not know why my hands were shaking when I held them close. Maybe because I was now living my dream, at least partially. I watched how the grey clouds hung upon the afternoon sky--made the situation even more dramatic that it already was. I put those pictures back on my bag, did not want them got ruined because of my stupid lonely tears.

Yes, a girl waited for her bus in the airport, ready to realize her dream but she cried nevertheless. How stupid that sounded? A broken heart made her dumb I guessed.

"I hated Paris..." he said while playing with bunch of printed pictures in his hands. He liked photography so much, he spent almost his whole life to document life, including my dream city: Paris. Yes, like any other girls or maybe even boys, I loved Paris. Oh come on, who did not like Eiffel Tower? And the romantic atmosphere? At least that was what they advertised about this city. 

"Well, I couldn't really comment on that. I've never been there myself, but I think I would liked that city." I shrugged his comment away.

"Umm no, I think you do not just like it--you love it! I can see it in your eyes. You like it so much that you make Paris as one of your must-visit places. Right?" He teased me merciless, as usual.

Blushing, he caught me there. I looked at him curious, how could he know? I voiced my question out loud. Not that it was vital since he could read my mind almost every single time. 

"Because your eyes lite up like Christmas tree when I said that I wanted to show you pictures of France..."

"Did I?!"

"Yep, you did!" He laughed and touched my nose. I tried to act cool by smiling over the small the gesture while in fact, he took my breath away and made my heart beat strangely.

"Today, I would show you pictures of Paris but one day, I will be the one who take you there. Consider it as a kind gesture since you cannot speak even a word of French. Such a shame!"

I rolled my eyes at him, there was no guidelines in this whole wide world for us to speak five different languages like him. Oh him and traveling! I did not even want to try to question why he could speak so many languages.

"Now let's start with the gate of France... Charles De Gaulle..."

As the bus passed upon the small Air France aircraft, I could not help but matched the photograph he took with the actual view until it went away. The first of many pictures that I would like to match--between the reality and the dream he created in those printed images. As sad as it might sound, through the picture I felt that he guided me to live my dream even without him in it.

****

I kept the best for the last. That was exactly my thought when I stepped out from the metro in Bir-Hakeim station. It was 9 o'clock in the evening, but there were still a lot of people there. I tucked my sling bag carefully, did not want to attract any pick-pocket. I did not know what I felt at that time when I walked through Quai Branly. I realized the excitement of Paris had long gone but I guessed it did not stop me to living this partly broken dream.

We sat in a private corner of the unfamiliar restaurant with a glass of Rose in front of us. He did not like Rose, but he ordered us a bottle of it nonetheless. Simply because he knew that I liked it so much. I did not usually drink a lot of wine but today I needed the comfort of it. I knew it was a bad choice of encouragement, but I needed alcohol to make me brave and he did make me nervous, something that he never did before. 

Synchronized with the heavy rain outside, I could feel the gloom loomed over us like a thick unwanted blanket. I watched him carefully, despite of the odd, I tried to memorize everything about him. His face--hazel eyes with slight facial hair here and there, all in the right places. His dark hair was tucked behind as a very short pony tail. I could not help myself but sniffed his scent, his manly perfume tickled my nose gently. He smelled so good, I wished I could snuggle closer and enveloped by him--my favorite safe haven. I wanted to remember every single second of this moment... 

He studied me carefully too. His eyes were so intense. I could read all the feelings he let me see. He was usually so guarded, while I was the open letter he was the one with horribly tight seal. He worshiped privacy like no other but he gives me a privilege to see right through him nevertheless.

I felt our thick wall crumbled into thousands pieces. Surrounding us with unknown and unclassified feelings. We were practically baring ourselves to each other. No more curtain in front of our emotion. It was time.

"What if we were situated in a whole different condition?" I whispered softly, too scared to break the spell.

"You mean in a world without distance ?"

"Maybe..."

He stared at me like I was a lunatic. Yes, maybe I was. I was in the edge of my sanity because life would soon take my safe haven hastily--him.

"But distance is my life and no one can take me away from that. The more I embrace distance, the more I discover things. Even distance was the one who gave me you... If I did not take the decision to pursue my education abroad, we would never meet. Right?"

"No one worthy enough to change your mind?"

"Yes." He answered it without any bit of hesitation.

I felt like there was a high voltage lightning struck my heart.

"Some things are meant to be broken." He said again to respond my miserable silence.

"Even when the bound was so powerful?" I needed to doubt him. I refused to stop!

He looked at me with such intensity that killed all my feeling--I did not know what to react, what to feel at the moment. All those emotions overwhelmed me. Slowly, oh slowly he put his palm on my heart.

"I could feel myself here..."

Without breaking the eye contact, I put my hand over his heart as well.

"As could I..."

"But some things are really meant to be broken..."

And at that time I could hear my own heart breaking, just like the wall that was once guarding it.

Finally, I arrived in front of the mighty Eiffel Tower. Just in time when hundreds of lights were twinkling and blinking. I opened my small sling bag and took the last picture. I matched it with the real Eiffel Tower in front of me. I stared at the picture and ignored the reality that was going on around me. His picture was captivating me. He captured it perfectly and beautifully--even more beautiful than the reality.

Maybe because that he was. He was more beautiful than any reality--he was too good to be true. Like my own personal angel, but guessed no one deserved perfection and no angel belonged to mortal.

Suddenly, all air was taken from my lungs... I could not breath. I could not stand. I sat there...surrounded by people kissing, families hugging each other, friends joking around with wine in their hands. I sat there and cried heart wrenchingly--silently.

I could not believe that I was here, in Paris, under the Eiffel Tower...without him. We dreamed about it together but now, just like what he said... our dream was meant to be broken. He left me with his broken promises scattered around like unfinished jigsaws. Abandoned and forgotten.

I could feel myself swallowed by elegy... A deep elegy that I buried for so long. Now it came back to me. Guessed one could not be strong all the time. I let it out... because this sadness deserved to be felt. At least, I had come this far. I had done my part. For his memory was worth it. Our bound was precious enough... therefore, the sadness that come upon our broken bound was truly deserved to be felt. I just hopped his reasons to forsake me were the same--worth it, because clearly, for him, what we had was not good enough.

Last tears.

I promised...

I whispered it through the summer night. The ironic night of closure. While others celebrated their love in this city, I practically feasted upon my broken heart and conclude my love tale.

****

Now

Prague. I loved this city. I remembered the last time I was here, it was like years ago. I came with a severe broken heart--tried so hard to heal myself. Escaping from home just to erase him or maybe, I just simply made an excuse to cross the ocean and searched for him in his continent. It was crazy actually. But well, what did you expect? Illogical love could always kill your logic.

And now, here I was, arrived in front of the most prestigious photography exhibition in Leica Gallery Prague. Honestly I did not know why I came here myself. Oh yeah right, my boss wanted me to go. As an art curator, it was my job to look for the best art pieces all over the world. I denied my boss several times though, especially after I saw the list of the photographers.

Damn.

I knew that he would be a famous photographer one day. My artistic intuition could see it from the very beginning when he showed those beautiful pictures of his; he made our small college town looked way prettier. I wondered how he turned those simple beauties into something amazing. But now, I especially wondered, what did he look like now? More handsome? Did he possibly cut his hair? My head was basically invaded by these crazy unnecessary thoughts rather than what kind of arts that I would buy this evening.

Well, maybe I should have Googled him in the past.

I chuckled bitterly, stalking him was just off the list. Listening to someone said his name was already hurt like crazy, left alone stalk his social media or google him. I literally would be dead if I discovered him with his conquests. Or even only merely knew that he had a completely happy life, while I struggled.

I shook those bad memories away, I refused to dwell in. It had been two years. I believed I had changed. Or there would always be a chance that he did not remember about me.

Yeah, keep telling that to your self!

I wished he would not be there. It would be so awkward. But come on, after all these years? Should it be that awkward if we actually meet each other? Well, let's just hope I would not put any interest in his pictures--which also most unlikely.

I sighed, dejectedly. Knowing, there was no way out of this lose-lose situation.

Straightened up my dress, I entered this classy building after giving my invitation to the guard. This private show surely the hottest thing in Prague, since the guests were all dressed up so neat and fancy. There were a lot of people in there--of course, what did I expect? Duh. I had not even met him, yet my logic was already dimmed into a lower level.

The wall was painted grey with a lot of pictures on the wall. In each side, I could see the name of the photographer. I walked further, looking for the main exhibition hall. I did not want to waste too much time, it would be better to see the best pieces and grab it as fast as possible before others had it. Or before I bumped into him.

I could see one picture in the wide wall of the main room. People were swam in front of it, I guessed I should wait for my turn. Patiently, I waited until I was in front of this sensational picture.

I gasped.

I felt time stood still.

I could not breath.

...

It was a picture of me.

I was standing in front of the Eiffel Tower, holding his picture to match it up with the actual sight.

Wildly, my eyes searched for the title.

It was written:

His Broken Dream Came True
By: G. Amadeus

He was there.

As soon as the realization hit me like a hurricane, I did not know what happened to me after that. It was like I was witnessing my own self struggling to get out from the crowd--looking for air to breath.

He was there.

He saw me there.

He watched me in my most broken and fragile moment.

I found an empty corner and leaned my self on the clear wall. Clearly, I could not support myself now.

"Malf?"

And then I saw him for real. He was wearing a very fancy suit. His hair was now cut really short, almost like those who were in the army. He stood there, watching me devouring his presence. The man who took my heart away, cherished it just to crush it in the end. The man who bailed on me on our promised Euro trip. The man who let me cried so hard in the airport, once I realized he would not come. The man who did not even show up in our promised country: France.

In short, the man who once broke me severely.

After a torturing silence, he slowly approached me--looking afraid as if I might explode. Which was good because I could even feel it in my skin. My wrath crawled in every inch of it. I tried so hard to calm my emotion down, remembering his main picture in this exhibition. His muse: me.

Stood firmly, I gave him a smile--or so I thought as a smile.

"Hello G, how are you?"  I said harsher than I wanted it to be.

"Great?"

"Of course you are great. How could you not? Knowing that you have been loved too deep back then under the Eiffel Tower? Poor girl, her crazy love was taken for granted."

"Malf..."

"Was it hurt? Seeing me so close to you but you could not even meet me in person? You could not even touch me. Was it hurt?

He kept being silent.

"Answer me? At least I got one answer from out of billions unanswered questions that I have for you."

He stared at me intently.

"Yes. It hurt and still hurts like hell..."

"Good, at least I was not the only one who had my own personal hell. Good luck with your life! Goodbye."

"Malf!" He grabbed my hand.

"Don't! Your time is up, G. Some things are meant to be broken, right? Including my love for you. Funny how I ended that feeling in the city of love, exactly in the moment that you captured in a quite impressive way. I wished you enjoyed the view."

I stared at him. Feeling so numb, I hated it.

"So long my friend. au revoir! Thank you for making my decision easier back then in Paris. Like I said before, good luck!" I said bitterly, ending our unexpected encounter.

And then, I walked away and never looked back.
Or so I hopped.

***HER END***

The Whisper of Hidden Farewell

She walked slowly through the sidewalk. Enjoying the sun, the unusual crowd and her playlist throughout the headphone. Today was a very sunny day. Such a beautiful day.

Despite of the songs in her ears, she still could listen random musician played their instruments on side walk of the downtown. She smiled when she saw someone played his violin. She liked that melancholic instrument. She was so tempted to stop and watched until the violinist finish his piece. However, she had a place to go.

She glanced at her watch, well maybe she should increase her pace to reach her destination...or maybe not. She exhaled and cleared her mind and continue her steps.

She was so calm that day. It was so strange. Her breaths were as steady as her steps. She did not rush herself yet not slowed her pace down at the same time. She was just not in a rush nor delaying the inevitable. She was done exasperatingly catching up with time. She was too tired right now. Too drained to beg for time to be gentle. It was just a useless attempt anyway.

The almost empty bus station. She was finally arrived in her destination. She unplug her headphone, ready to be all smiley--she already promised to herself to do it properly. No more half truth. No more hidden facts. Honesty. A genuine reality. No more decorative details or other faux shiny ornaments. No tricks. No plan. She was there...baring herself. It was so scary yet brought a particular relief inside her. And yes, it was time to face her fear. Or maybe their fear... That was the least she could do.

There he was, also freshly arrived with his suitcases. It was so real yet unreal at the same time. She grinned when she looked at him. It felt like only yesterday she met him when she said her first hello. Yet today, they would have their proper goodbye.

Changes

On my way home, I was thinking about the word 'changes'. It was triggered by a crazy overthinking (as usual) on my part. Despite of the-verge-of-tears-state everytime I let myself went deeper to memories that I would really like to erase, that word popped out in my head. I knew that I should have not replayed those bad memories, but maybe I secretly believed that I did not want to run from it either. I wanted to overcome those bad memories with the good ones but alas, human's brain was so tricky.

I found some psychology study about peak-end rule--in which people judges experience largely based on how they were at their peak and at their end, rather than based on the total sum or average of every moment of the experience. Sadly, it occurs regardless of whether the experience is pleasant or unpleasant. Other circumstances, beside the peak and the end, are not forgotten but are rather not being used by our naughty brain (Source: Wikipedia). Yeah, I know, I was that 'crazy', I started to ready psychology stuff and analyzed myself. Oh! And tried to figure a way out from this prolonged mess.

Lets going back to the word change. One day, in a very brief conversation with my friend, he brought up the subject of 'change'. When I said that everything was changing, he said that it was normal because change was the only constant in life. 

I got the meaning behind it, but I had never really thought about it. As you all have known, 'trouble' began when I started to think. I thought, overthinking was my distinctive talent. It was both gift and curse. A gift because when I overthought about something, usually my suspicion was correctly proven at the end. The curse was, that 'talent' was the reason why I could discover stuff and voila...those bad memories were made. Aha! Ok, lets go back to the talk of 'change', I had wasted enough time to torture my barely function heart.

When I started thought about change as the only constant, I imagined a conversation over two old friends. In one fine afternoon, there were two well-acquainted persons sat in a small cafe. The golden hours was shone over their table's big umbrella, they did not really notice the heath. Or maybe they just simply ignored it--the outdoor view was too beautiful to be missed. 

Despite of the hot weather, they both ordered two cups of hot coffee. They hated cold coffee because it ruined the fine taste of those source of caffeine beans. An Italian espresso for him and a light cappuccino for her. They moved from one topic to another, but the awkwardness was still in the air. The guy could feel it, so did the girl. Maybe they were just too afraid to talk about it, or maybe they chose to let time brought the familiarity into their conversation.

However, it was funny; once the familiarity between them was back...the tension was getting thicker, and their awkwardness suddenly became an interesting topic.

"It felt so weird, didn't you think?" The guy bravely pointed out their situation.

"What was weird?" She had learned that playing dumb was the best 'weapon' to delay things...or discover more.

"Us. We are just so awkward. It just felt so weird. I don't like it."

She sighed and looked at him in the eye. 

"You mean that we are changing? Well, I don't like it either. But lets see it in another way. Maybe it was a sign that we have grown so much since the last time we met or talked. For me, change equals growth. The problem is whether we choose to grow apart or grow closer or just grow by our own selves without affecting each other. The latter is most likely an 'in between' point or...maybe it does not even have any relation with the first two kind of growth." She shrugged, appeared to be not really care. She had gone too philosophical, hence she shut her mouth--did not want to bore him with her random thought.

He chuckled--decided to let that silly topic go. Some things were better left unsaid for they were just too inexplicable. 

They then continue their talk about their life again, and let the 'changes' hung between them. They were handed the answer back to the hand of time. At the end of the day, it would be the one that reveal which growth life put them into.

****

Someday, will I ever experience this kind of conversation?

Maybe it will be with my favorite cousin.

Or with my best friends from UK.

Or with my friends from high school.

Or with my friends from the law school both undergrad and master.

Or with him.