Their Perfect Life [7] : Entirely of Possibility - Part 3

As broken as her heart might be, she was bored working at home. It was 5 in the afternoon, almost sunset. Walking around under the golden hours seemed appealing. Maybe she could finally update her Instagram which was almost dead, since she had not been posting stuff for a while. She loved photography and tolerated social media but she loved her real moments more.

After thinking over the pros and cons, she finally decided to go out and brought along her Harry Potter 7th novel.

She took a detour, avoiding 'their' usual coffee shop, just in case he was still there. She snorted over her own idea, there was no way he would wait for her. He must be busy right now, she thought while rolling her eyes. She walked down the beautiful canal and passed the cafe that sold the best chocolate in town. She stopped in front of the cafe.

The cafe's warm atmosphere was so tempting, yet she could not deny the sadness creeping in. It was also the reason why she came to the cafe after the big fight with her parents six months ago--it was all because of the displayed comfort. Funnily, it was also the first time she met him. A guy who was suddenly sitting in front of her, watching her quietly. Despite of her depression, there was something about him that made her couldn't help but notice.

She finally entered the cafe and picked the same spot to sit, near the big wide window. It was almost hilarious how this cafe suddenly turned into her safe haven whenever she was upset.

After ordering a hot chocolate from the overly kind waiter, who half flirted half asked for her order, she sighed and leaned on the chair. Slowly, closing her eyes.

It still hurt, though.

No, worse than that. She missed him already.

****

He walked along the canal, his feeling was a mess. His instinct told him to drop by her apartment asked what was wrong with her. What if she got sick? What if she was mad at him? But why? He sighed and kept walking.

Suddenly, he stopped dead on his track. There she was, sitting on the same spot where he found her around six months ago. His own personal hidden gem. However, she looked so upset yet peaceful at the same time. She closed her eyes but he knew that she was not sleeping.

Was she okay?
Was she avoiding him by not coming to their usual coffee break?
He had to know! This wondering business started to piss him off.

He entered the cafe and approached her rather quickly--too quick for his liking--yet, he did not give a damn anymore. Three months were enough to be with her but not in the way he wanted. Seeing her closing her eyes with sagging shoulder made him wanted, no scratched that, needed to hold her close. Shielded her from the bad, every single one. No more arm-length approach, he could not do that anymore.

****

She was so tired, she might fall asleep in that comfy chair. The heavenly smell of Belgian chocolate did not help either. However, she remembered that she was now in a cafe, no one would appreciate a sleeping girl in the chair, no matter how cozy it was.

Slowly she opened her eyes...and there he was.

"Am I dreaming?" She mumbled to herself.

"Nope..." He smiled softly.

Gosh! He was so gorgeous! She almost hated herself for thinking about that because he was not hers to own.

"What are you doing here?" She said rather hoarsely.

"Looking for you because you bail on our regular coffee?"

"Well, I'm not feeling well."

"Which is exactly why you should go home now and sleep."

"I was bored at home." She answered and straightened her posture.

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

"Ummm...why should I?" She frowned, remembering his lovey-dovey lunch with Alissa.

"Well, I can bring you something to eat? I can even bring your hot chai tea. I waited for two hours, you know."

"You did?"

"Yes." He said, looking dejected.

"Why?"

"Well, that's our routine." He said simply.

"I thought--"

"You thought what, Avni?"

"Nothing." She said.

She did not need to make things more complicated than it was. They never talked about being more than a coffee buddy. Yes, there were time when she thought that he attracted to her but he never really made any move. They had been a coffee buddy for almost 4 months now.

Yet, after his admission of waiting for her, she really hoped that he might want more, despite of the fact that he took Alissa out.

But who was she? He was a free and eligible man, he deserved thousands of Alissas. Most importantly, he had the freedom to choose whoever he wanted.

She had no right.

That was why she should snap it out before he knew about her feeling and leaving her high and dry. Well, at least she could always have a friend like him. That way, she could always have him near despite of their different expectation.

"I'm okay, really." Avni righted her sitting position, tried her best to assure him that she was really okay.

"I don't trust you." He said doubtfully while studying her.

She forced herself to grin so wide, she almost believe that she was fine.

"Reallyyy... And I'm sorry again that I did not contact you. I thought you would leave once you saw that I wasn't there. I also thought that you might be busy so I didn't text nor call you." She admitted and bit her lip.

Yes, it was correct, she never had the gut to contact him. He also never contacted her, other than talking about their coffee schedule, which was really sad. For her, it was an obvious sign that he did not want more.

Gosh! It was getting harder and harder. The more she spent her time with him, the more she wanted him.

He felt like home, a place where she belonged. He looked like someone she could rely on. She trusted him--something that she rarely gave, especially to a man. Yet, she did not want to compete to get his heart. She has no energy left.

Especially, after witnessing how easy he could charm other woman.

She should get out from here soon without hurting his feeling. Maybe also avoid him until unforeseeable future, it was for the best or for the sake of her sanity. She was sure he would be okay, though. Schylar without Avni would be fine but Avni without Schylar... well, let's just say that Avni must work harder than Schylar to cope with the loss of their regular coffee time.

He suddenly exhaled frustratingly which made her guilty but also confused.

"Umm...you okay?" Avni asked, unsure.

"No, I'm not okay, Avni. This is not okay." He groaned frustratingly.

"Well, you can tell me if you want, if it would make you better." The truth was Avni wanted to comfort him, hug him. Heck! She just simply wanted him.

He then looked at Avni in the eyes, his face somber. "I want you."

Avni gasped, not prepared at all over his blunt admission.

"It's been a while since I want you but I know what we are and what we are not. I want more now. Your absence was a slap to myself. It reminds me on how helpless I was dealing with your absence. 

I dealt with many people, lobbied hundred of politicians, yet here I am being a coward in front of you. I didn't even have the gut to use your phone number whenever I want!

I don't want to deny myself anymore, Avni. I want you. I want to be your guy. I want to have a quick lunch with you even between our crazy schedule. I want to have a longer coffee time with you. I want to be your dinner date. Hell, I want to call you or even text you whenever I want.

I want you to rely on me like I rely on you. I want you to trust me like I trust you. I just simply want you to want me like I do you."

Avni was speechless, while Schylar looked so desperate.

He dugged his head before smiled bitterly before pinned Avni with his fiery gaze.

"It looks like that I don't only want you, I need you. So Avni, is there any chance that you somehow need me too?"

His glistened eyes were her undoing. She raised from her seat, sat on his lap and simply held him.

"I need you too."

He held her so tight, she could not breath. Yet, it was the easiest breath she could take today.

His Perfect Life [7]: Entirely of Possibility - Part 2

She was just plain annoying. He bloody did not know why he asked her out for a lunch. Funny how he used to think her as an uber hot girl. He should have asked Avni out, instead!

He even had a spare time today during lunch hour, why did not he ask Avni out, again? Oh yeah, because panic gripped his heart when Alissa brought up about Avni. As someone who worshiped privacy, since his work also required him to do so, he hated the fact that a big mouth girl who happened to be the Undersecretary's daughter was pointing over his relationship with Avni.

He almost rolled his eyes like a girl with his own thought; relationship? As if he was brave enough to ask her out for a proper date her.

"Schylar, are you even listening to me?" Alissa's annoying voice interrupted his thoughts about Avni--his one in a million girl.

"Hmm... I'm sorry, what did you say?" He asked not really interested. His meal was long gone, not because he was hungry, simply because he wanted this lunch to be over already.

"I said, my dad wanted to meet you."

Yes, definitely a mistake--so much for being a polite gentleman.

****

After a quick, yet felt like forever lunch with Alissa, he went back to his office. He intentionally passed by Avni's office to have a quick glance or maybe to say hi and finally asked her out for a dinner. It is been three months and all he did was taking her over a cup of coffee only. She deserved more than that.

Disappointment crept upon his heart when he saw her empty office. And then he walked down to his office, wondering where she went and with whom she had her lunch with--almost for the whole day.

Too bad he always avoided using her numbers. Gosh! It had been three months, it was okay to call or text her something other than their coffee break, wasn't it? Or maybe not, she might be busy. She was definitely busy.

And then he busied himself with load of works to distract his wandering mind.

****

It was  4 o'clock sharp and he already sat in their usual table with their usual orders. Yet, she had not come yet. She was usually on time and now, she was 15 minutes late already. Her chai had gone cold. Everytime someone entered the coffee shop, his hope was blown up because it was not her--always not her.

Was she forget their usual coffee time? He finally called her and of course, her recorded voice asked him to call her later.

Damn. He missed her already.

After almost two hours of waiting and there was no sign of her arrival, he dumped her chai in the nearest garbage and walked out the coffee shop. Totally dejected.

Since his coffee with Avni was always being the highlight of his day, going back straight to his apartment without sending Avni home first seemed not appealing at all. Hence, a detour then he made. A detour that he took just like when his parents broke his heart severely, when he met her for the first time in that antique hot chocolate cafe.

Her Perfect Life [6] : Entirely of Possibility - Part 1

It's been like three or four months, she did not really bother to count the time. It seemed like she could not keep up anymore. Other than interesting conversations over a cup of mild coffee almost every single weekday with him, she found the idea of life a little dull. She basically researched, wrote, edited, reported, ate, and slept, repeatedly. She was thinking about having a vacation she did not deserve. At least, not yet.

With a heavy sigh, she glanced at her watch. It was almost lunch time. A smile formed softly in her face when she brought out her blue lunch box. Yesterday, during her coffee-break with him, she mentioned about her passion in making pastries, especially muffin. He was thrill to hear about that and asked her to bake for him. He even requested a macadamia nut one. And here it was, placed neatly in a lunch box.

When the clock was finally reaching mid day, she excitingly exited her room and approached his room on the other side of the building. Although their interaction mainly occurred during their coffee-break, since lunch-time usually off-limits, she gladly made an exception today. A stolen 5 to 10 minutes with him would not hurt her, would it?

Well, after all, he was currently the spice in her life. She even started to feel something for him, little by little. Yet, recognizing the said feeling was not wise. He even never asked her out more than enjoying a coffee. That thought slowed her step even when she had arrived almost in front of his office. His door was open like a silent invitation that she thought to reconsider.

"I heard you're dating someone for the last three months. Is the rumor true that the Great Schylar is finally falling?" A female voice coming from his office. It was Alissa, the girl who had been chasing after him forever. Well, who did not chase after someone like him? The depressing thought made her want to role her eyes instead. Especially, with the possibility of her joining the club. She cringed over that idea.

The topic Alissa raised intrigued her, nonetheless. She walked a little bit closer, act purely upon her curiosity.

"Where did you hear such a thing?" He answered rather distractedly.

"Well, I've seen you having a coffee with that Avni girl almost everyday. She is pretty, though." Alissa said flatly.

"You are pretty." He said.

"I take that as a compliment. Yet, I think my prettiness is not really useful since you never ask me out. Even for a friendly coffee-break."

She braced herself for his answer.

"Now that you have mentioned that, I'm taking you out for lunch today."

"And a coffee?" Alissa said excitingly.

"Well, only when you are not loathing me after our lunch."

"I won't!"

"In that case, shall we go?"

Before they walked outside his office, she left hastily--not wanting to get caught. After she arrived in the other side of the building, she tried to calm her heart. It beat a little funny. She sighed heavily and looked down to the yummy muffin. At least she got macadamia nut muffin for lunch. She would eat it here in the office...while enjoying the dull life. The dull life was possibly what she needed most now.

She shrugged the feeling off, they were apparently not so little anymore--and she despised that idea entirely. She preferred little. Little was safe.

After shutting her door and sitting in her desk, she was drowned by her work intentionally. At least she would get more work done, since she would skip a coffee-break today. And maybe tomorrow and the day after that. Not sure when she would want to have a coffee-break ever again.

Her Perfect Life [5] : Taking Chances

Today she opted to walk home, not in the mood to ride her bike. She loved this city during their so called summer afternoon. The sun was almost set, spreading its color to the blue sky. It was simply lovely. The temperature was okay, while the wind...it was another story to tell.

When she walked downtown, she thought about having a coffee break. She could watch people and listen to her iPod. Enjoying her quite time before it got hectic again, tonight. Yeah, a couple of hours would not hurt her articles. She entered her favorite cafe and stopped rather abruptly when she saw him queued. She tried to calm her nerve down and stood behind him, it wasn't like he would remember her.

Her fellow PhD student, yet his qualification was just way above her. He was also really handsome and tall, like all the guys Taylor Swift was singing about--unless, his skin was more golden with sandy blonde hair. Typical Caucasian. She could not help but thanked her lucky stars for giving her a fine sight for her sore eyes. Well, reading journals after journals for hours did that to her, obviously.

"I would like a double shot espresso, please." He ordered with his velvety baritone voice with a warm smile.

There was something about him that pulled her greatly. It was not only his look, considering the fact that she lived in a country where finest genes were produced. It was his kind but guarded eyes. She felt like he was so diplomatic with his life. From what she saw and heard about him during their first semester, he was a very friendly, smart and cheerful guy. Yet, she felt something was still different. There was more of him behind those hazel eyes.

"Your order please, Miss?" The other barista was suddenly open the other register, brought her back to reality.

"Oh... Umm... can I have a hot chai tea latte, please?"

"It's a coffee shop, you know, and they do have great coffee. It's too good to be missed." He said while waiting for his change. She looked at him rather surprisingly, before composing her demeanor.

"I'm not really a coffee person." She shrugged indifferently and gave the register several euros for her tea, while inside, she felt like dancing and jumping and did all those girly stuff.

"You are a PhD student, how could you not a coffee person?" He followed her to wait for their order.

"Well, coffee and I? I think I have a love-hate relationship with them. Are you a heavy coffee drinker?" She asked him, genuinely curious.

"Only when it is necessary."  

"That's okay, I guess. But wait, how could you know that I am a PhD student?" She knew it was normal for him to know that, but an ego booster wouldn't hurt, would it?

Suddenly, he weirdly look nervous and cleared his throat. "Ummm...I think I saw you in the library a lot."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, definitely library." He answered and put his hand in his pants' pocket--clearly fidgeting--made her want to grin so wide, it hurt.

"Funny, I rarely work in Library other than picking up references." Decided to have mercy on him, she smiled again. "I'm Avni, it's nice to finally meet you, Schylar."

He chuckled over her recognition and smiled sheepishly, "I know you, Avni."

"Likewise..." She smiled softly and butterflies exploded in her guts. Damn, she felt like a fool now. Like a love struck--more likely a fan-girl, since he was so popular.

Eventually, he took both of their cups and looked at her warmly, "Shall we?"

"Lead the way." She said and let him picked their table. Once he stopped, she smiled softly because he chose her favorite table near the big wide window.

And there they sat until the sun was finally set.

Until he walked her to her doorstep and promised another coffee break together with her.

Until her spot became theirs.

Until days became weeks. 

And weeks became months...

Until now.

Her Perfect Life [4] : The Broken Knight in The Shining Armor and The Perfect Damsel in Distress

----

Today was just the worst. She walked through the long road home because she needed to think. Think over her conversation with her parents. How they still upset about her choice to pursue PhD right after her Master. Like come on, what was wrong with that choice? It was not like she wanted to run away from her responsibility to enter the 'real life'. 

PhD was also a big deal. Who wants to run away by undertaking 4 years of endless research? Putting their life at stake. It is laughable to think how people determine life by seeing how much money they can earn. She remembered the day when her parents were really proud of her because she was granted a full scholarship for her Master degree. But now, after she was officially unemployed and intending to pursue PhD rather than being a corporate slave, they suddenly stopped being proud.

Funny how demand could escalate quickly, you could never keep up. Funny how achievement or higher education did not matter anymore once you were not a money producer--like society demanded you to be. Was life really that simple? Earning money and die? Was money determining your value? Was nothing greater than money existing in life? Was happiness only coming from material treasure?

She knew she made a very harsh assumption about society. Who was she kidding? She needed money herself--yet, after endless study about money in her Master and how (already rich) people greedily conducted any method to earn more and more--it made her sick. It was not a life she ever imagined to live. She wanted a life with meaning. Where she could work passionately not only for herself, but also for others. She wanted to be useful for the people in a greater way. 

However, until now, nobody really gave her chance. It made her questioning herself, she hated it. It made her doubting her quality. And discouragement from people that she cared about did not help her situation. She wished for a safe haven where she could run into without running away from her problems. She wished for someone that would support and believe in her delirious dreams. She wished for someone who was strong enough for her to lean on.

She snorted--like that kind of person exist. Well, he was exist once before he went away and broke her heart severely. Made everything worse and damaged her further. She did not need that kind of distraction in the foreseeable future. Especially now, when she needed to fix her path and made the right decision. 

Or so she thought...

----

If today was not the worst, he did not know how to describe this situation any better. He practically flee from his parents--could not stand any more conversation about his brother's political campaign or his younger brother's appointment as a doctor. They did not even blink on the news about how he got accepted for a PhD program in the best university. Just because he only worked in Parliament for the past three years, while his older brother running for a Mayor, no pride was left behind for him. He worked for the greater society for crying out loud. He would also soon be promoted as the Prime Minister's executive staff after his PhD. Yet, no one care--as usual. Who was he kidding?

Despite of his border-less freedom, he started to wish for someone to truly care about him--not love, but care. Sometime people claim that they love him, yet they actually did not care. Who needed that kind of love? He thought about how right people who said that love's age was basically short. At the end of the day, he realized that nothing could please his parents, no matter how high his achievements were and how much expensive stuff he bought for them, they were already blinded by their so called love upon his siblings. Ah, that was the perk of being a trophy child, right? 

They only talked highly about him when people were around, but in front of him? Zero.

He snorted--how pathetic. Begging for an attention from his own parents like a teenager. Begging for an equal treatment like an adolescent. The saddest part was, they were unconsciously did that to him. No parents wanted to admit that they preferred certain child from the others. Like come on, loving equally was true, but human was human, we were born to have preference. Therefore, it was not about loving equally, it was about preferring equally--a concept which unfortunately did not exist.

----

She walked really fast in order to arrive in her apartment before it was raining. Nevertheless, like her other shattered hope, the sky chose to be overly empathized and cried for her. The vicious rain then forcing her to stop by in the nearest cafe. Maybe that was what she needed--a moment of silence in a cute cafe while watching the rainy weather. 

The gloomy weather outside was perfectly describing the pity-party inside her. She sat in the corner, a table for two beside the big wide window. After picking up her mug full of hot chocolate, she warmed her hands and observed people who practically running or simply walking under their umbrella. A mom who carried her daughter close. A dad who held his son's hand. A couple that embraced each other closely. The view made her realize how lonely she was, though.

It was poignant.

Until her eyes caught a certain handsome guy, who walked aimlessly in the street. He was drenched by the rain. She watched him with interest, not because his strong jaw or his blonde locks for that matter, and lets not forget his hot body. She smiled a little at her admission in the middle of this miserable condition before focusing on those sad and lost hazel eyes. She could tell that he was in a deep agony.

The fixer in her wanted to run and hug him. But who she was kidding, a guy like him probably had many women throw themselves on him? And her? She was too tired to fight for attention or love. If the people who supposed to love her did not even bother, why should she try on people who did not born with that capacity? 

She glanced a her hot chocolate. Silently cursed the tears that were now flowing freely.

----

He cursed under his breath for the sudden rain, validating his worst day into amazingly fucked up one. He basically walked the street like it did not bug him. He did not really care right now. Until he saw his favorite cafe that served his favorite espresso. He stood in front of the cafe and stopped his step rather abruptly because of the woman who currently sat near the window.

She appeared so broken and lonely. He even caught her wiped away her tears.

He looked away--did not want her to catch him watching. He exhaled softly before entering the cafe. After ordering his usual signature double espresso, he started to search for the perfect seat to think. He strolled to a table for two right across her. Once he sat there, she caught his eyes. Her eyes widened before she looked away and sipped from her mug--obviously fidgeting, made his lips twitched, amused. 

He used the opportunity to checked her out blatantly. She was really pretty. Not stunningly beautiful, but real sweet in the eye. There was something about her, though. Way beyond her appearance. Not that he found her unattractive, it was just her character spoke louder than her physic. It was a great pull for him. Despite of her sad eyes behind the geeky glasses, he found her like a giant magnet. He did not know why. 

Not until those sorrowful dark brown eyes finally stared back at him.

And there... like a punch in the gut, he just came across another functionally dysfunction soul, like his.

After: The Stormy Northern Coast

What would I give to live where you are?

What would I pay to stay here beside you?

What would I do to see you smiling at me?

Where would we walk, where would we run. 

If we could stay all day in the sun.

Just you and me and I could be part of your world!

---

The vicious wind pounded her window and the rain poured into the fragile glass like a bucket of ice cold water. She did not even know why she ended up in this wasted place where the clock ticked so slow. Where quietness was an ordinary harmony. Where dynamic was a foreign term. Everything moved in snail pace.

She used to celebrate this time of year among the crowd. Where she would drink and dance all night. Where she would kiss him when the clock stroke midnight. Where they would end up cuddling the next day because of the maddening hangover.

New year...

She sighed heavily. Snuggled deeper on her couch within the safety of her thick blanket, secretly wishing for a brand new start tomorrow.

***

Meanwhile, up in the north, where the coast granted the local with amazing weather, a guy drunk himself in his mom's fluffy grey couch. He wished for the alcohol to defeat him while helping him to sleep the night off. The older you get, the more you could care less about the whole 'new year new me' bullshit. He knew way better than that.

He laughed here and there, smiled to his nephew and nieces who were given an exceptional late bed time. He watched his big family snuggled close with each other in his parents' living room. In addition to his beloved ones, there was also her, the nurse of his broken heart. They thought he was now already healed--she healed him. Maybe she did... He honestly did not know the cause of his sudden melancholic mood. Maybe it was just a new year eve thing. There would always be something missing within him during this particular night.

He used to hug her so tightly during this time of the year. Or she dragged him to dance. After that, he would kissed her when they started the new year. It felt like a fresh start whenever he possessed the privilege to envelop her in his arms. Even when they both suffered a severe hangover the next day, they would never complain for the annual hibernation day. They usually spent the first day of every year tending each other's headache with more cuddles and breakfast in bed.

New year...

He stared into space and drunk another shot of Russian vodka, secretly wishing for another au courant beginning when it was finally January the 1st.

***

The bird chirped like mad this morning. She opened her heavy eyes for the first sunrise in the  new year. She smiled to herself--she made it into morning after the stormy night. Reluctantly, she forced herself to rise from her comfortable couch. She picked many papers from the wooden floor--the draft of her new novel. She did not even aware of the mess last night--too caught up with the thought of him.

She stared at the work piece in her hands. Her new handwriting--the reason why she needed to isolate herself in this remote place.

After securing the new script on her working desk, she opened her slightly damped curtain. The golden hours tempted her to bundle up and take a walk around the hills. She fell into the temptation willingly and covered herself with a thick ponco--did not really bother to put on her winter jacket. The temperature would not be that bad, wouldn't it?

Once she crossed her little house's threshold, she inhaled the refreshing air.

And then she felt it...

She felt something shifted within her. It felt like her broken heart mended itself. Like the tight rope that bond her chest was no longer exist. It was a remarkable relief. Yes, she admitted that the vicious knot was now turned into a scar. Yes, it was still there but it did not hurt like it used to be.

Suddenly, the urge to run to the cliff and watching the crazy ocean--the closest she could get to him--kicked her aggressively. She wanted to see the crazy, wavy and wild ocean in which she strangely found her solace. She broke herself free trough the hills. She ran, ran and rand. Enjoying the tranquility within her.

Eventually, she stopped on the edge of the highest brink with labored breaths. She watched the ocean and how the sun shone upon it... It was so beautiful, she wanted to cry.

The time that she had been waiting patiently for months was here. Her wait was over. She could finally find the beauty in her pain. The lessons of her suffering. And realized that only her can mend herself... She was her own remedy.

And on that day, on the first day of January, she laughed through her tears while reaching out for another part of her who was now across the violent ocean.

"I let you go..."

With that whisper she collapsed and cried like she never cried before. He was indeed so far away... just like what he said when he let her go.

***

"I let you go..."

He woke up with a jolt. Fuck! He dreamed about her. After all these months, she came into his dream again. He cursed under his breath, did not want to draw any attention. Although it was an unclear dream, he felt that his heart was like broken all over again.

His headache was now attacking him with full force. His lungs felt so tight and he needed to get out from the house immediately to clear his mind.

He changed fast into his running gear and ran out from the house like it was on fire. No, it was who was on dreadful fire. His chest was burning--it hurts so bad. He ran and ran and ran. He tried to set aside the pain. The pain of hearing her voice again, yet could not see her face.

How could they end up like this?

Suddenly the memory of their painful farewell months ago was barreling into his already messy thought. Ironically, on the first day of January, a brand new day, his past decided to invade every cell of his body. It felt like a physical pain. The more he ran, the more it blew his gut.

And finally...after 5 miles, he stopped suddenly in an almost deserted beach. In the ocean that separated him from her. He remembered those days when he came here often just to feel connected with her. In here, only the big wide ocean that parted them...nothing more. While in reality, they both knew the amount of the obstacles were unbeatable.

He closed his eyes. Funny, how he found his utmost comfort in a place where he felt closest to her.

"I miss you..."

He whispered through the wind--willingly submitted to his overwhelming feeling.

***

It was a day like this that made all the agony worth it--the day her novel was published. In several minutes, she would have a book signing in her favorite bookstore in that city. It might not a big one, yet it was her favorite. The concept of the bookstore was interesting. The owner adjoined the bookstore with a coffee shop, made the bookstore looked like an old yet captivating library.

After a signal from the owner, she sat on the small desk while, to her surprise, many people filled the area in before her. They were ready to listen about the story behind the newest novel.

The event started with the opening speech from the owner then before he let several readers to ask her question after question. She answered every single question patiently--hopping she was not appeared too reserved about it. She loved to expose herself in her art works but not directly in front of others like this.

"Last question..." the owner said after picked a girl in front.

"Why did you name this book as "The Closure"?"

She smiled at her question. Could not help but stole a glance to the corner table in the coffee shop. A table for two. Where everything began. When she fell in love...

"Have you ever feel the need to leave something behind? You dwell in it for a very long time. While deep down, you know that you should let it go at some point because sooner or later, it would hurt you badly if you insist to preserve such thing.

I name this new baby of mine as "The Closure" because I believe that every closure is always be the beginning of something better.

It is a moment when you overcome yourself and your struggle is finally paid off. It is a mark when you finally elevate yourself into a whole new higher level. As ironic as it may sound, people will finally learn their lessons precisely at the really end of every circumstance. At the end of every memory. At the end of love. At the end of commitment...even, at the end of their life.

Through this novel, I would like to share the art of letting go. To bravely reach out for your closure--no matter how hard it might be. You have been delaying your happiness for far too long.

At the end of the day, only you who can heal your self..."

***

He hated Paris. Especially, when it was raining like now. His bastard boss sent him here to finish some deals. Thanked God, it was over now. After almost two days of not sleeping, his meeting was finally over this morning. He was hopping for a better weather so he could do some sightseeing or met his French colleagues. Or he would just go to his favorite coffee shop in Paris, Café de Flore. Since he had a serious need of caffeine today, he knew Café de Flore's traditional French café crème would satisfy the need perfectly.

He walked through Saint Germain, blended with the Parisians on one of their crowded streets. Other than being so touristy, he should admit that Saint Germain was artsy. However, before he reached the coffee shop, he stopped by to his--well, her favorite book store: Librairie L'Ecume des Pages. He felt like torturing himself further today. Although he realized that February was approaching, he still had the urge to feel the abstract connection with her. 

He entered the place. For some pathetic reason, he knew that her book was released today--maybe that was the main reason why his evil heart dragged him to this bookstore. He, once again, tried to talk himself for not going to that shelf in the other side of the room, where her books were tucked safely, ready to be a sold-out in no time. Nevertheless, he was too weak. He gave in to his pathetic heart and approached the "New Arrival" shelf. His rather shaking hand reached out for her newest novel. He caressed the cover. The red cover where her initial crafted prettily in front of it. With a very heavy heart, he opened the book...

"...pour chaque conversation qui est en train de devenir des mots vides

pour chaque rêve qui est maintenant oublié

pour chaque promesse qui est maintenant brisée

et pour chaque histoire qui est maintenant abandonnée...la clôture."

If only she knew...

With that thought, he left her "Closure" behind and walked away. Ready to survive on the life she was finished with.

....

.....

***FIN***

PS: Hey guys, I apologize for the very late editing process. Now, I hope I made this piece better. It was a story that I wrote really late at night and posted rather hastily. I think I gotta need to tune down my impulsiveness. The urge to share this work kinda overcome my perfectionism tendency. And yes, I released this post when it was super ugly and full of errors. Please, accept this apology. Enjoy =)

From Time to Time (1): Gemini's Case

Ira was sitting on her desk, hopping the hours to finish immediately. It did not mean that she dislike her job because her work was always interesting. Despite of her disability to divide between working behind her desk or simply being a happy go lucky girl who observed every single detail, she functioned just fine so far. Including today, when she finally agreed to go out for a cocktail with her long time high school friend. 

Beep beep beep!

Her alarm blasted throughout her highly hygienic room. Funny how this institution still using those crazy alarm to remind people that they have life other than helping others. As funny as it might sound, helping people did not mean to lose yourself in process. For one could not help others while she needs to be helped herself. 

Ira took her bag from her desk and walked of to her social activity--or well, one could hardly define this as a regular night out' Since it was 'that' friend, with a heavy heart she should admit that this meeting would just another work in the field.

Well, who would complain anyway? She secretly loved it!

****

One month and a half ago...

Gemini sat across Ira in a burger booth. It was lunch time and as a successful CEO, Gemini could just get out from her office and kidnapped a lowly staff like Ira from her work. She said that she needed Ira to fulfill her emergency best friend's duty. Ira knew that kind of language and phrase. A lot of people related her with those labels. First, the emergency term and second, the best friend status. 

Ironically, in contrast with popular believe, Ira never really awarded anyone with the second title. But she kept that fact to herself only. She most definitely knew that once people realize that whatever they feel towards other was one sided, they would close off and run. Ira hated to disappoint people and she knew that once she broke their trust, her mission would be nothing but a failure. 

And the emergency term, people always came to her when they face an emergency issue within. Sometime their opposite was their own self and character, but other time, they usually have a problem with other person. Which for Ira was the same because she was still the person who analyze, calculate, and give advise to solve the problem.

Just like today, when she fulfilled her duty as Gemini's friend to solve her emergency problem.

"So, what's up?" Straight to the point, Ira felt like skipping any typical chit-chat because the only one who wanted to know about the other's update was Ira, as ironic as it could be. Yet, she would not complain since baring herself was never an option.

"I'm in love!" Gemini shrieked excitedly.

"Oh yeah?" Nothing new.

"With my best friend! You know Grandie, my long time best friend!"

"Really?" 

This was news! 

"How? I mean not that I don't know about his not-so-secretive feeling for you, but when did you finally realize that you are in love with him? You said not long time ago that he was childish, not your type and definitely not a husband material?" Despite of her previous swear to not investigate her friend, Ira could not help but to ask so many questions--as usual.

"Well, actually that's the reason I was a little reluctant to share this news. I was afraid of your judgement..."

"You know I never judge and never will. Call it a pure curiosity...as always." Ira cut Gemini's statement so she would not doubt her way of thinking.

"Ummm...where should I start?..."

It turned out that Gemini's feeling for Grandie changed because of his endless effort to touch Gemini's heart. According to Gemini, Grandie was always there  for her whenever she needed him. Of course it was not something new. From the very beginning when Gemini told Ira about Grandie, she knew almost instantly that the guy had feeling for her friend. But Gemini would always be Gemini, always hunted for perfection. And currently, her version of perfection was Grandie. 

She then proceeded to elaborate the rest of Grandie's strength point and loving gesture toward her. She especially loved his hard-working nature. Unlike Gemini, Gandie was an artist. He was in the process to open his personal painting gallery. In order to achieve that goal, he was now working every job he could get. Despite of the uncertain outcome whether he would succeed or not, Gemini said that she admired Gandie's tenacity nonetheless. She valued Grandie as a man that knew what he was doing.

However the conversation should be cut short, due to Ira's short lunch break. Ira decided to deliver her best wishes for both of them in response. She was relieved that finally Gemini could clear the water with Gandie. 

From Ira's point of view, friendship was the true strong foundation in a relationship after love. She believed that love had a very short age, lust even shorter. Hence, when love faded away, friendship would remain along the way. 

You always needed your friend. When you broke up with your lover, you would always run to your friends. When we applied the metaphor situation above in a relationship's context, it was clear that the perfectly imperfect partner was both our lover and friend. And he or she would always be the person we would run to in the end. 

Ira was happy for her friend's love life ending. Or so she thought...

****

"Hello!" Gemini greeted Ira rather too happily. She found it a little suspicious. Despite of her lack of update about Grandie, Ira assumed that they were now living happily ever after. Nevertheless, like one wise man said, never ever assume things.

"Hey, how are you?" Ira replied politely and took her seat in front of Gemini at their favorite local bar. She ordered a light cider, since it was not Friday night and for some reasons, she thought that she might need to be sober now.

"I'm really really good! How about you?" Gemini appeared to be ready to dance away her incredibly good mood.

"Good, thank you." There, Ira answered it sufficiently. "So, how's it going? Seeing from your mood today, I must say that you are delightful now. Grandie?"

"Ah! That's the thing! I'm in love with someone new!"

"Huh? What?"

Apparently, even after endless tales about guys lined up in Gemini's life, she never failed to surprised Ira about her love life.

"Yes! Oh my gosh, Ira! He is so handsome. So manly! And you know what? He's also the founder and CEO of this heap online company. Ain't that exciting? He's really sweet--"

"Wait, hold that thought. How long have you been with him or at least...knowing him, you know."

"Umm...a month ago?"

"Okayyy...." Ira started to calculate the gap between this meeting with their previous meeting six weeks ago. She tried to sync Gemini's statement with her sane sense .

"And how long has he been approaching you?"

"Ummm also a month ago?"

"When did you start feel something for him?"

"Ummm...honestly, a month ago?"

"You do realize that you are saying that you fall for him now, right?"

"Yes, yes I do!" Gemini said cheerfully.

In order to complete her investigation about Gemini's new crush, (yes, Ira concluded that there was no way love could be that easy, right?) Ira decided to keep the whole Grandie topic later.

"Why?"

"Because he is really perfect!" Gemini really smiled from time to time whenever she answered Ira's questions.

"No one is perfect." Ira could not help but interject that point. For her, perfection was never exist. Especially, when you related the term with a human being.

"I know but he is perfect for me, I guess. More than any other men, at the moment..."

"How about Grandie? Don't you think that he might be jealous with him? I don't think he will be okay with this, either." There, Ira finally gave her ultimate weapon away.

"But I am not with him. He's not my boyfriend."

"But your feeling--"

"Well Ira, Grandie simply doesn't fit. He is an artist. He does not have a clear plan ahead or even foreseeable future for that matter. You know, he is working randomly just to fund his project right now. Like come on, his path is not clear at all. While, this other guy? He has a clear plan and path for his future. I mean, as the CEO of a company that is bigger than mine, he is clearly a visionary who knows what he is doing, right? I mean what do you think about him? He's perfect, right?"

There were a lot of 'clear' there and ironically, Gemini coupled the word with future. A pair of word that Ira believed also did not match at all. For the first time in her life, Ira held her honesty tongue as Gemini's friend.

Scarily, Gemini's idea of love forced Ira to act professional even with her own friend. It was like Ira stepped out of her box and tried to understand Gemini's confession and comparison about Grandie and the new guy objectively. She then began her discovery with Gemini to understand more, because Ira believed that no one could judge others, except that they were the judges themselves--literally.

Seeing that Gemini was expecting her response, Ira knew that she had to answer.

"Yeah, I think he's perfect. Are you with him now?"

"That's the thing. He gave me a lot of signs but before he did anything about it, I already made it clear that I don't want a relationship now. I explained that other than marriage, there was no guarantee for a relationship to work. I'm really tired with break ups, you know."

"What if you meet someone better than him?"

"Well, I'm not looking right now and he's there and perfect--"

"What if he meets someone else?"

"Well, if she's good for him and he finds that she suits him. Then, I will just let him go." Gemini shrugged the thought off like Ira did not imply the possibility of her being a brokenhearted once again, despite of the absence of relationship's label.

"Will you be okay with that?"

"I think, I will be..." She said it lightly.

That was when Ira knew that she was lying. There was no way that you would not get affected if the one that you love left you for other person. Unless, you did not really love him.

"Are you sure? I'm just afraid that your heart will break when he thinks that you are not his girlfriend, so he can just pursue another woman while you are there, devoting yourself to him."

"I'm not actually devoting myself for him--"

"But you claimed that you loved him?"

"Well, he understands my concept that the only commitment that I can accept right now is marriage."

"So, you are saying that you do not want a relationship but want a marriage? You do realize that marriage is also classified as relationship, right?"

"Ira, my point is, I just want to let it flow until--"

"He's ready to propose you and skipping this whole boyfriend-girlfriend process?"

"Yes, I guess..."

Ira knew that she had to stop after Gemini showed a nervous gesture by sipping her tea uncomfortably in order to escape the prolonging their discussion.

"If that is what you want, then go for it! If he understands your concept, then you got yourself a keeper, right?"

Gemini grinned widely, loving Ira's approval.

"Just, don't lead Grandie on anymore, though."

"Nope! I already told him about this new guy. You know me and Grandie, we can never be more than friends I guess."

"Is he okay with that?" Ira was now really really confuse.

"I think he is, well he did not say much."

That's because he loves you, damn it!

Inside, Ira was struggling with her own self. She really wanted to criticize Gemini's mechanism of 'falling in and out of love', but somehow it felt more than that! She was hating Gemini's treatment to Grandie. He was being taken for granted by her. Yet, mostly she loathed Gemini's treatment to herself.

From her spot, Ira could see a frightened girl. She was so terrified by the idea of being hurt all over again in the name of love. A girl that needed assurance--a guarantee of happiness in a relationship. Despite of her verbal acceptance over imperfection, she still desired otherwise. Perfection was her ultimate goal in a guy, that was why she never stopped to find a better person to land her feeling. It was really sad how Gemini undervalued her capability to be brave enough and taking chances. Taking risk to experience and even greater happiness. Yes, it might not be comfortable but you would step on a higher lever if you take it. You will get new lessons. If only Gemini could accept that perfection did not exist at all.

For Ira, it was really sad because no one was worthy to demand perfection from others. That request was simply unfair since neither sides were perfect. On the other hand, Gemini's case (as Ira liked to label it) taught Ira that the only sure thing about feeling was... they could be deceiving. One day you were so sure that you felt a certain emotion toward others, but one could never guarantee that it would be constantly that way.

Then why does my feeling never change even until now?

Rather abruptly, Ira terminated her wandering thoughts. She decided to take her afternoon drink easy. She changed their conversation's subject and talked more about Gemini's company. Obviously, she was trying to run away from her own feeling because she knew that dealing with other's was much easier.

***FIN***

Her Perfect Life [3] : Let it Snow

She sipped the hot chocolate while watching people passed by the coffee shop. She always had a thing with a big wide window where she could observe her surrounding. She loved how every person interacted with each other. When she saw a couple in love before her, the sight made her sighed and missed him eventually. Yet, she understood the fact that their world was different. Beside their beautiful relationship, each one of them had their own business that also needed attention. He was not her universe like she wasn't his, but it did not mean they loved each other any less. That was how they shared their life together. 

She shook her thoughts about him. Today was her 'me time' day and she intended to spend it well before going back to her dissertation. After smiling kindly for a little girl with the cutest pink winter coat, who bounced while holding her mom's hand, she turned her attention back to her most favorite novel: Harry Potter.

She read the story silently. The Christmas carols played softly in the cafe. It was so comfortable and warm--made her missed home, though. However, she knew that distance clearly made the heart grew fonder. Boy, if it was not the truth. She found her relationship with her family was tricky. After living alone for almost five years, it would always work best if there was distance between them. She did not know whether she should be sad about it or not.

It was not because she did not love them--actually it was not about love and affection at all. Maybe when you grew up, you changed inevitably. You possessed your own character, you were your own person, and you were ready to build something on your own.

It was nice to have your clan closely, a place where you could always call home, but somehow you had been set up for a totally different setting at some point. You craved the freedom they could not give. Most of all, she knew her time to stand on her own feet has come. Funnily, she did not complain at all. She loved the independence that came with it. Honestly, it was a privilege when you were able to manage your own space to grow.

Suddenly, something shifted outside the window. It effectively disrupted her attention. She looked over the window and gasped! It was snowing outside! The first snow! She grinned widely, watching the snow like it was her first time. Always so magical and soothing--it was like the snowflakes absorb every clatters in the street.

She closed her eyes...content.

When she opened them...there he was, standing outside the coffee shop. He was standing exactly in front of her, holding a piece of paper that said:

I missed you today. 

He then changed the paper with another one.

I know today is our 'me time' day but it's the first snow. 
Share a cup of hot choco and that fatty cheese cake with me, will you? 

And more...

I promise I will read that ol' Harry Potter book for you?

She giggled and nodded enthusiastically. The crazy guy, annoyed the hell out of her but she did not want to have him any other way. He gave her his perfect boyish grin in return and jogged into the coffee shop. He then took a seat beside her and held her close.

She buried her face on his neck and inhaled his manly yet sweet scent. He smelled like those irises from Tuscany and sandalwood--strong yet reassuring. Her own version of solace.

Perfect day indeed.

Her Perfect Life [2] : Satellite

It was a really long day even it was only five in the afternoon. After a non-stop work she had, she finally submitted her first of many papers to her lecturer--just like a normal PhD student. At the time she left her office, her stomach was growling since she skipped her lunch time. Now, she was just too tired to stop by and judging from the weather, it would not be long until the heavy rain poured down. She decided to go home directly and cook some.

She parked her bike and entered her apartment. In the voyeur, she could listen John Mayer's songs were playing softly. She smiled to herself and took off her shoes. Noises coming from the kitchen, followed by a mouth watering smell of food. There he was, too busy cooking their meals to notice her arrival. Slowly she approached him and buried her face in his strong and broad back. He smells so good. He smells just like him...

"Welcome home!" He turned around and enveloped her with his strong arms. 

Yeah, definitely felt like home.

"How are you?" He asked.

She just shook her head, too tired and too hungry to answer. He just chuckled before pulled her to her seat in the breakfast bar.

"Dinner is about to ready!"

She smiled when he was back from the kitchen with lasagna.

"Do you want white wine with it?" he asked and she answered it with an enthusiastic nod. He was only laughing and brought her a glass of wine as well.

Once he was sat in his chair, she raised from hers and hugged him tightly. She kissed his temple as an appreciation for his effort to make her happy.

"Thank you..." she said before went back to her high chair and dig into her lasagna.

They ate in silent but enjoyed their dessert with a lot of update about each other's day or argumentation here and there about current political issues. For her, they were so compatible because they could talk about every single thing. They can easily debate each other and deliver their opinion confidently without any real tension--only to broaden their knowledge about each other's personality and point of views. 

She took his hands in hers after they put their dishes in the dishwasher. She pulled him to her favorite spot in front of her apartment's big wide windows.

"Watch the rain with me before going home, will you?" she asked him and of course, he answered her by pulling her to his lap and covering them both with a warm blanket. He hugged her tightly before kissing her forehead. They snuggled without words, watching the heavy rain and enjoying the sweet sound of it. 

She closed her eyes. Content.

It seemed like her world went back to its axis whenever he was around. He was her imperfectly perfect satellite.

Her Perfect Life [1] : Detachment

The birds were chirping happily complimented the sweet sound of the rain. It was 6.30 in the morning, she opened her heavy eyes lazily. The rain constantly knocked upon her big wide window gently. She smiled, she loved the rain. She wished she could stay in her comfortable bed for the whole day, well she got work to do and she loved her job. 

She took a shower in her small yet sufficient bathroom. This one bedroom apartment was everything she ever wanted. The kitchen was not really big but the bar was a perfect size for two. The living room was enough to accommodate one couch and a medium size TV--even when she did not really watch it. What made her fall instantly with the apartment was the patio, it was also her corner to read and write. A place where she could watch people walk by the canal or just simply sit and did her research or wrote her novel.

After a quick shower, she prepared her day carefully. Did not want to miss anything. When everything were set--she wore her favorite black coat and rode her bike to work. She was so ready to start her Monday, despite of her short grudge when she woke up. She really did love her quiet and free life. Detachment--that what she was made for. Yet, she was not sorry for that.

****

She loved her small city. The ride to her work place was really short and pleasant. The soft drizzles did not even affect her mood--if not improve it already. She felt the mellow alright in her chest but no harm came from it anyway. She passed the downtown, smiled to familiar faces. Maybe they were not familiar enough, but it was okay because she loved this anonymous life. Drama free. She could take care of her life properly and still be happy. On the other hand, she could fulfil every single need her family ever desired--even when she was not with them. At some point, distance was the one who could fix and improve. 

She smiled to herself and let the rain caressed her face. Life's good...

Not An Ambitious Traveler (5)

I thought it was time to end this blog post series. As cliche it might seem, I would end the story in Paris--like a Hollywood movie or something. There were a lot of thing that I wanted to document about Paris but I realized those stories were definitely not for public consumption. I hated that I was not anonymous enough to write freely about everything. At the end, our identity was the one that restricted our freedom.

When I arrived in the downtown, another city popped in my head. It was New York City. Ah, just like Amsterdam, but Paris was giving me stronger sense of the Big Apple--in European way of course. I could also assure you that it was not a city of love in the daylight.

The highlighted of Paris for me was when I met three amazing women.

The first one was the woman who determined to accompany me in Paris. She was the strongest of them all.

Long story short, we ended up helping each other. Two broken hearts women, walked hand in hand in the city of love that soon changed into city of friendship. I would always remember how we faced Eiffel Tower and both of us reacted in the exact same way: we cried for the broken dream we had about Paris with our loved ones.

On the first night upon her arrival, she was so stressed up with her thesis. Yeah, a broken heart and unfinished school project would never go pretty. Tell me about that. We spent our first night worked on her thesis--tried so hard to find a brand new motivation. It was a great night for me nonetheless, because I adored research and was no longer having any desire to explore touristy places.

I also would always remember the late night we spent in Champs Elysees avenue. We had been so stylish during the day, we ended up in our most comfortable outfit at night. Yes, while people were dressing so fancy, we only wore t-shirt, jacket, and legging with our running shoes without make up on. It was also the reason why we canceled our plan to hang out in a cafe--because underdressed was definitely an understatement that night.

Instead of going to the cafes, we finally ended up going to a drugstore. We planned to drink something at our apartment. She pointed out vodka in the refrigerator, I shrugged it off because for me, vodka was not an option. I did not aware what possessed me, but I walked to yogurt shelf because those delicious looking yogurt seemed so attractive. I took two bottles and strangely, she did the same.

You know what happened next? We sat in the bench near Arc de Triomphe and drank our yogurt. Yes, yogurt was definitely the best substitute beverage on a fabulous Friday night in Paris. We laughed about it out loud, it hurt. It was definitely a night to remember...

She healed me through a unique way: by taking care of her and helping her to hold her life together.

---

In Paris, I also met my friend from Ann Arbor. She was the second woman that inspired me during this visit. She was the loveliest lady of them all.

One thing that I regretted during my stay in Ann Arbor was we never made it for a coffee. But well, we made it up in Paris. So fancy!

It was great meeting her again. She was so dear, I felt a pang of  sadness because I did not give myself a chance to spend time with her more before. Meeting her, brought a new perspective about my current state: hopeless, broken-hearted and feeling so useless. I would always remember how she held my hand and said, "You got more and more beautiful everytime I met you. It was like you are blooming. You are still young, please do not think too much about everything!"

After that, I felt that I could breath easier. It was not too late. There would be something better waiting for me after this impromptu escape.

She taught me to appreciate myself more. That it was okay to be not okay. That I was young! For god's sake I was still young but how could I felt that I had crazy amount of burden on my shoulder.

---

On my last day in Paris, I met the third woman that I adored: she was the coolest of them all. She worked for an amazing international organization and I could not be more proud of her. She was also the one who intoxicated my brain to pursue higher degree in Europe. Oh and she also pushed me to learn French. Joy! Yes, I was being both sarcastic and serious about it.

Believe it or not, it was the first time we met but I felt like we were an old friend already. Talking with her was so addictive--we talked a lot, we regretted I could not stay longer. Well, I was pretty sure it would not be the last time I visited this city, though.

She showed me that we should work on what we want. We should not restrain ourselves to pursue our dreams and settle down just because others demand us to. She taught me so much and I learned that I should not be afraid to dream big because life had its own way to fulfill our dreams as long as we work hard for it.

---

Despite of the unique experience, I have not seen my bestie in his hometown and atmosphere yet! I must go back one day. Moreover, I also have not fulfilled my promise to meet a wonderful and lovely lady from the North too. I have made a promise, so I intended to keep them because I knew how hurt it was when you were being lied to about promise. Human and their words--so unpredictable.

In the afternoon, I left Paris with a strange contentment and fulfillment... It was weird because everything that happened in Paris were beyond my expectation.

It was for the best though... Ah, life and its calculation! Always so surprising.

You, 2015, is and will always full of surprises for me!

Not An Ambitious Traveler (4)

If you asked me about Praha before, I would say that I was not curious about this city at all. It was always my best friend who wanted to visit Praha. But now, I would be lying if I had not built such special admiration for this lovely Eastern European city.

The way the golden hours shone upon Danube river...
The way my feet were half dancing when I explored those narrow streets and got lost willingly...
The way those serenity feeling warmly wrapped my heart...
The way Prague cellists touched my heart so deep with Falling Slowly melody...

I would always remember that time, right before I had to depart to Paris. I was sitting under the Charles Bridge. Eating my lunch on the side of the river while greedily devoured the view. How birds were flying freely... I was aware that this freedom that I possessed had strict limitation.

I wish I could stay there forever though. Stayed as a stranger, lived my life and wrote as much as I wanted. Took pictures and documented life. Forever be an adventurous wanderer.

I knew it was a dangerous wish, but I could not help my self from asking for much too much.

But then, as always, life could not give everything we want. At some point, we should do what we need to do, not what we want to do. Just like ourselves, there would always be the time where we ought to shut our heart down and let our brain ruled our steps.

Finally, I departed from Praha with an intense bittersweet feeling curled in my guts. I remember how I chuckled to myself when I left that amazing lunch spot. It was so ironic when I realized that Paris was no longer having the appealing effect on me. However, I could not miss this city for the world--for any reason. I needed to be there.

Nevertheless, please know this Praha, you are forever be the one which inspired and prepared me... To fight for myself. To not give up. To not be swallowed by my own misery. To be happy because of me. To forget the bitterness. To forgive. To embrace my feelings. To hope but not to expect. To accept what was not meant to be, and let it go. To remember the good memories and not letting bad memories jeopardized them.

Because of you... Now I smiled, and ready to go to the land where the famous Eiffel Tower proudly stood! Or so I thought.

Not An Ambitious Traveler (3)

Lets talk about Austria now! So after making a quick stop in Hannover, I flew to Vienna. I also met my other good friend there. The good thing was I still could sense tranquility radiated from her--the feeling that I always felt whenever she was around.

What I could narrate about Vienna, it was a very detail city. I thought I knew details from Bremen, but Vienna won it all. Started from St. Stephen Church. Every single centimeter of this church basically covered in fine detail art. It was like they did not want to miss any spot uncovered. Paintings. Statues. All blanketed in sophisticated and conservative art. It was full of beauties, since I was a big art admirer.

One sweet memory that I kept about this church was I lite a candle there. I did not know for how long I stared at the dancing little fire afterward. Nor, I knew what I wish for... all I did was watching it burned and tried hard not to cry. Funny how I just stood there and wished for nothing. Yet deep down, I knew God had uncovered what was best for me for this trip--even for my life.

There, in St. Stephen Church, I knew my heart and thought were already surrender bravely to the upcoming beautiful plan...

However, I had a small bad experience: pick-pocket. For those who liked to visit touristy place in Europe, please be super careful with your belongings because a lot of expert pick-pocket hunted after them. My money, for example, was almost ceased. Yes, even inside of the church, they were resilient. My tip was do not use a purse that was easily identify as your source of money. Use something smaller or less eye-catching. Fortunately, I caught him red handed and he flee immediately. I pitied him though, he could do way better than me. Come on, a crazy jobless girl who only brought no more than 20 Euro with her. It was definitely waste of time to steal from me. Other than that adrenaline rush experience, the day was ended perfectly in beautiful vineyard restaurant up in the hill.

As you had known, I did not like to act like a tourist (even when I was) including in this home of Mozart. My friend knew about it, so instead of taking me to other scenic place, she took me to her childhood life. We went to a theme park! At the beginning we only wanted to ride the Ferris Wheel and enjoyed Vienna from above, but the plan was expanded. We stayed after the ride and rode other crazy game. We chose a short yet one hella intense jet coaster.

She said we were walking upon her childhood memory: ate some Hungary langos--a delicious fried bread with garlic, then rode the said jet coaster before picked cotton candy as our comfort food in the end. It was fun but so exhausting. We finally ended the perfect Sunday by sitting in her very comfy sofa. The small talks were also so honest, I would forever cherish my time with her. It was so easy and calming at some point.

And then.... I went to Praha! Basically, the trip to Praha was so magical. Honestly it was a struggle to describe how perfect my solo trip to Praha was. Like any other solo trip, the best part was it was all about you and yourself only. No interruption. No need to ask permission from others. No need to be so considerate. You could go wherever your heart desired.

I arrived there before noon, I decided to take a nap before walked to the famous Charles Bridge.

Have you ever experienced visiting a new place and your eyes became so greedy that they wanted to capture every single view? Yes, Praha made my brain did that. Only in Praha I guess--no offense to other city that I already visited though. I could not lie to myself, it was so beautiful that Praha was rapidly climbing and proudly sitting on top of my list. Yes, I did not even think Paris would able to be it's rival (no offense again for Paris).

In Praha, the streets were so narrow--my kind of favorite thing about Europe because they were made to be walked upon by feet. There were also a lot of small cafes and people were so friendly. I would always remember sitting in the Charles Bridge while watching three passionate cellists played so beautifully they got me stunned. The moment was so personal... they were so inspiring. I did not know how many time I beat myself (until now) because I stopped myself from buying their CD back then. Well, the truth was it wast not me stopping myself but my pocket. I did not carry enough money to buy it. Ugh, me and my fear to bring cash with me.

Not An Ambitious Traveler (2)

And then I arrived in Amsterdam in the next day. A lusty city--some even called it as the new Babylon--as scary and crazy as it sounded, I kind of liked this city. I usually hated big and crowded cities. After living peacefully in Ann Arbor, I got a little addicted over small yet convenient town. Well, someday even when I ought to live in a big city, I hope I would get a quiet apartment or house though.

The highlight of the city was when I found the bench of my favorite movie: The Fault in Our Stars. Cheesy, right? I knew! Believe me I knew! While everyone else got excited over Anne Frank's house or other sightseeing places, I forced my friend to find this bloody bench. After walking for miles, whe found it! And gosh, it was so great to read "Some infinities are greater than other infinities" written in the bench.

I sat there alongside with several giggly girls waiting for me to move. Yes girls, I know I am not as young as you but I hella loved this movie too! So please excuse my fangirling moment!

After we left that place, I thought I wanted to have my own version of Gus too! Well, you could say that some wishes did come true immediately. I found him in the Dam Museum. Yes, Gus who played as a conductor of a fake orchestra or did a moon walk like a faux Michael Jackson. And yes, he performed in the great main hall of the Museum while everyone else were quietly reading all the explanations. He made me laugh so hard, I did not care anymore. Ah a fine day indeed! Too bad, I was too shy and he was too polite to really give that little moment a 'go'. But well, some memories were better be only a memory. Ah! And a rebound to be healed was never be my option.

Also in Amsterdam, I found a girl who experienced the same situation--a broken heart situation. I felt so lucky that I met her. Why? Because I could help her to heal herself while healing myself in the process. Maybe I was already healed but helping people did make you stronger and braver--for if it's possible, you would not let anyone suffered the way you did. If I could make her feel better with my experience then why should I stop there?

Oh boys. I hope they are growing up and starting to stop taking women (who happened to love them like a fool) for granted... Yes, we are often being taken for granted but then maybe that was why they were not with us, because we deserved to be treated way way way better than that.

Funny how love can change you... to be better or worse.

In this case, I chose to be better. Yes! I still love beautifully and forgive easily. The difference was I now knew my value more--no more measuring it by how much he cared about me. Oh come on! If he stops being so caring then it doesn't mean you are not good enough girl, it is just simply mean that he is not the one...for now or for ever.

We deserve to be queen for the worthy king, not even a prince charming. A king who willingly slays a dragon and happily combines his empire with ours. Yes, do not build an empire together! You must have your empire established first, that is why I call ourselves as queens not princesses. For we are no longer a kid. Chin up, woman!

Now you know why something was changing when I departed from Amsterdam. It was a huge deal... because I could feel how this place 'helped' me in a very unique way.

Should I label Netherlands as my favorite country in Europe?

Oh wait until I described Austria, Czech Republic and finally...France.

Not An Ambitious Traveler (1)

Europe. Never knew I would finally step on this continent. Guess you can never underestimate the power of dream and effort or in my case... impulsiveness. Started from falling for a quiet small city in Germany: Hannover. I met my lovely cousin (but I will refer her as my sister nonetheless) and lived with her and my brother in law for a week.

It felt so magical when I traveled and pretended to be a local there, rather than being a mere visitor--despite of the language barrier though. Somehow I wish this world only spoke one language. But well, every single mother tongue speaker would always want the same thing whenever they were being a non-native-speaker abroad.

In Hannover, I also met my friend from Ann Arbor. It was so unreal when he stood in front of my sister's apartment. It was also fascinating when I witnessed his life in his hometown. A life 'before' and maybe would soon to be 'after' Ann Arbor. Seeing him in his atmosphere--so glad that I had the chance to do that. Especially to feel the genuine welcome gesture vibrated around me when I was introduced to his dear friends. They even kind enough to overcome the language barrier. It made me feel like an insider--for that I forever felt grateful for. Yes, being an outsider because of language barrier was sucks. Trust me I had been 'trained' so hard to face that kind of situation.

After Germany, I continued my trip to a very familiar country called the Netherlands. I referred it as 'familiar' because of the  strong relation between Netherlands and Indonesia. I formerly did not want to visit this country. However, since the foundation of this trip was impulsiveness then I decided to visit my dear friend in Netherlands anyway. It turned out to be the funniest experience one!

I would always remember the gloomy weather that blanketed a city. A city called Leiden. A city where Edward Cullen should live (LOL) because sunny day was always count as a bonus.It was cloudy and soft showering almost everyday. The canals were so beautiful there nevertheless.

Leiden also kept many phenomenal histories. Started from the Einstein cafe--a cafe where Einstein found his famous E = mc2 formula. This lovely town was also the home of the oldest university in Netherlands--where a lot of Indonesian heroes and Dutch royals studied.

I also would always remember the night where I danced around with my good friend like no one was watching. It was just me and him and our favorite songs. In case you were wondering, they were XO by Beyonce and Santa Tell Me by Ariana Grande. It was sooooo much fun! We wish our close friends in Indonesia were joining us though.

Yes, a perfect dance in the middle of the night! Until we both happily collapsed in the end. Go go go Arians! Oh and he also the one who persuaded me to continue my second Master or even Phd there. Hmmm... interesting thought, wasn't it?

And there was Den Haag. A city that soon became my new obsession after DC. I think I always have a soft spot for governmental cities. They made me feel at ease and secure.

You know what epic? I also celebrated Indonesia 70th Independence Day there. Yes, we celebrated the freedom from Dutch Colonial in their own land. I knew it's been a while, and maybe we're already forgotten all of those black histories but well, one could not help herself but said 'In your face!' privately. Yes, I said it privately because we wouldn't want to upset them, would we?

Luckily, we also met a very generous and talk-active Madame. Her grandpa was a hero for our freedom. Hence, she took all the independence ceremony by heart. Oh I also wanted to share my a little about how I almost cried when I sang "Indonesia Raya"--it's been a while indeed. Ah Indonesia, whatever your flaws are, deep down I still wanted to be your game changer.

Going back to the kind Madame, She gave us a lot of lessons about being an international person. She criticized a lot about what was happening not only in Indonesia, but also in any other places. She was so smart and also married with a UN officer--yes, she had been living from country to country. She was also so humble, it amazed me. She spoke what she thought. I felt that there was no pretentiousness and falsity in her bones.

Further story about Den Haag: the governmental buildings were awesome. My friend told me even the Prime Minister was walking around in the parliament's yard and were so approachable. There was no tight security upheld in there--no sense of arrogance at all. You could walk around the palace's grounds without any scary security officers closed by. Yes, they got a lot of cameras here and there but please, it was more than okay to just walked around and took pictures.

Ah I thought it was the pleasure of living in a country where public officers were really realizing their truly place as public servants.

Things I Want to Remember (3)

My dear Senorita.

I wanted to remember the last but not least morning coffee that we had. It was several hours before my departure and  I had the chance to enjoy the last cup of my favorite coffee: Creme Caramel. It was a rare occasion where I ordered my coffee along with delicious toasty bread with Nutella. She got a cup of hot tea and bread too.

The way she arranged her tea pot and put the jam on her toast--everything was perfectly in sync and in order because she was a perfectionist.

We talked and talked and talked but neither of us talked about goodbye.

We agreed that the concept of goodbye did not apply to us. It was true...


I missed her though. Really missed her.