Years Gone By

Today, I should face my fear.

She said the mantra over and over again. Not really ready to do what she was about to do. Too scared to discover the truth. Maybe it was too late, maybe it was not right. Maybe it was a mistake. She did not even know why she agreed to face the truth. She should just stay where she was. Happy with her life, leaving the past.

She sighed. Too tired to think about possibilities.  Maybe it was all now forgotten. Maybe she was the only one that had photographic memory. Or maybe not. She sat on her bed and looked toward the skyline through her hotel room’s window.

She could not help but thought...

They are now under the exact same sky and it is so frightening.

****

What would I say?

There was this little excitement that he tried to kill. If he recalled, he never had this kind of feeling anymore. It was long time ago, but why did his heart beat like it was never beating before. It made him realize how time passed like a blink of an eye. He tried not to smile to think about possibilities. 

He walked faster so he could arrive earlier. He basically did not know what to expect. Maybe she would not be there. Maybe she forgot. Maybe she had canceled. It would be a lie if those probabilities killed his joy a little.

Nevertheless, he could not help but thought...

They are now in the same city and it is so terrifying.

His Perfect Life [7]: Entirely of Possibility - Part 2

She was just plain annoying. He bloody did not know why he asked her out for a lunch. Funny how he used to think her as an uber hot girl. He should have asked Avni out, instead!

He even had a spare time today during lunch hour, why did not he ask Avni out, again? Oh yeah, because panic gripped his heart when Alissa brought up about Avni. As someone who worshiped privacy, since his work also required him to do so, he hated the fact that a big mouth girl who happened to be the Undersecretary's daughter was pointing over his relationship with Avni.

He almost rolled his eyes like a girl with his own thought; relationship? As if he was brave enough to ask her out for a proper date her.

"Schylar, are you even listening to me?" Alissa's annoying voice interrupted his thoughts about Avni--his one in a million girl.

"Hmm... I'm sorry, what did you say?" He asked not really interested. His meal was long gone, not because he was hungry, simply because he wanted this lunch to be over already.

"I said, my dad wanted to meet you."

Yes, definitely a mistake--so much for being a polite gentleman.

****

After a quick, yet felt like forever lunch with Alissa, he went back to his office. He intentionally passed by Avni's office to have a quick glance or maybe to say hi and finally asked her out for a dinner. It is been three months and all he did was taking her over a cup of coffee only. She deserved more than that.

Disappointment crept upon his heart when he saw her empty office. And then he walked down to his office, wondering where she went and with whom she had her lunch with--almost for the whole day.

Too bad he always avoided using her numbers. Gosh! It had been three months, it was okay to call or text her something other than their coffee break, wasn't it? Or maybe not, she might be busy. She was definitely busy.

And then he busied himself with load of works to distract his wandering mind.

****

It was  4 o'clock sharp and he already sat in their usual table with their usual orders. Yet, she had not come yet. She was usually on time and now, she was 15 minutes late already. Her chai had gone cold. Everytime someone entered the coffee shop, his hope was blown up because it was not her--always not her.

Was she forget their usual coffee time? He finally called her and of course, her recorded voice asked him to call her later.

Damn. He missed her already.

After almost two hours of waiting and there was no sign of her arrival, he dumped her chai in the nearest garbage and walked out the coffee shop. Totally dejected.

Since his coffee with Avni was always being the highlight of his day, going back straight to his apartment without sending Avni home first seemed not appealing at all. Hence, a detour then he made. A detour that he took just like when his parents broke his heart severely, when he met her for the first time in that antique hot chocolate cafe.

Her Perfect Life [6] : Entirely of Possibility - Part 1

It's been like three or four months, she did not really bother to count the time. It seemed like she could not keep up anymore. Other than interesting conversations over a cup of mild coffee almost every single weekday with him, she found the idea of life a little dull. She basically researched, wrote, edited, reported, ate, and slept, repeatedly. She was thinking about having a vacation she did not deserve. At least, not yet.

With a heavy sigh, she glanced at her watch. It was almost lunch time. A smile formed softly in her face when she brought out her blue lunch box. Yesterday, during her coffee-break with him, she mentioned about her passion in making pastries, especially muffin. He was thrill to hear about that and asked her to bake for him. He even requested a macadamia nut one. And here it was, placed neatly in a lunch box.

When the clock was finally reaching mid day, she excitingly exited her room and approached his room on the other side of the building. Although their interaction mainly occurred during their coffee-break, since lunch-time usually off-limits, she gladly made an exception today. A stolen 5 to 10 minutes with him would not hurt her, would it?

Well, after all, he was currently the spice in her life. She even started to feel something for him, little by little. Yet, recognizing the said feeling was not wise. He even never asked her out more than enjoying a coffee. That thought slowed her step even when she had arrived almost in front of his office. His door was open like a silent invitation that she thought to reconsider.

"I heard you're dating someone for the last three months. Is the rumor true that the Great Schylar is finally falling?" A female voice coming from his office. It was Alissa, the girl who had been chasing after him forever. Well, who did not chase after someone like him? The depressing thought made her want to role her eyes instead. Especially, with the possibility of her joining the club. She cringed over that idea.

The topic Alissa raised intrigued her, nonetheless. She walked a little bit closer, act purely upon her curiosity.

"Where did you hear such a thing?" He answered rather distractedly.

"Well, I've seen you having a coffee with that Avni girl almost everyday. She is pretty, though." Alissa said flatly.

"You are pretty." He said.

"I take that as a compliment. Yet, I think my prettiness is not really useful since you never ask me out. Even for a friendly coffee-break."

She braced herself for his answer.

"Now that you have mentioned that, I'm taking you out for lunch today."

"And a coffee?" Alissa said excitingly.

"Well, only when you are not loathing me after our lunch."

"I won't!"

"In that case, shall we go?"

Before they walked outside his office, she left hastily--not wanting to get caught. After she arrived in the other side of the building, she tried to calm her heart. It beat a little funny. She sighed heavily and looked down to the yummy muffin. At least she got macadamia nut muffin for lunch. She would eat it here in the office...while enjoying the dull life. The dull life was possibly what she needed most now.

She shrugged the feeling off, they were apparently not so little anymore--and she despised that idea entirely. She preferred little. Little was safe.

After shutting her door and sitting in her desk, she was drowned by her work intentionally. At least she would get more work done, since she would skip a coffee-break today. And maybe tomorrow and the day after that. Not sure when she would want to have a coffee-break ever again.

Her Perfect Life [5] : Taking Chances

Today she opted to walk home, not in the mood to ride her bike. She loved this city during their so called summer afternoon. The sun was almost set, spreading its color to the blue sky. It was simply lovely. The temperature was okay, while the wind...it was another story to tell.

When she walked downtown, she thought about having a coffee break. She could watch people and listen to her iPod. Enjoying her quite time before it got hectic again, tonight. Yeah, a couple of hours would not hurt her articles. She entered her favorite cafe and stopped rather abruptly when she saw him queued. She tried to calm her nerve down and stood behind him, it wasn't like he would remember her.

Her fellow PhD student, yet his qualification was just way above her. He was also really handsome and tall, like all the guys Taylor Swift was singing about--unless, his skin was more golden with sandy blonde hair. Typical Caucasian. She could not help but thanked her lucky stars for giving her a fine sight for her sore eyes. Well, reading journals after journals for hours did that to her, obviously.

"I would like a double shot espresso, please." He ordered with his velvety baritone voice with a warm smile.

There was something about him that pulled her greatly. It was not only his look, considering the fact that she lived in a country where finest genes were produced. It was his kind but guarded eyes. She felt like he was so diplomatic with his life. From what she saw and heard about him during their first semester, he was a very friendly, smart and cheerful guy. Yet, she felt something was still different. There was more of him behind those hazel eyes.

"Your order please, Miss?" The other barista was suddenly open the other register, brought her back to reality.

"Oh... Umm... can I have a hot chai tea latte, please?"

"It's a coffee shop, you know, and they do have great coffee. It's too good to be missed." He said while waiting for his change. She looked at him rather surprisingly, before composing her demeanor.

"I'm not really a coffee person." She shrugged indifferently and gave the register several euros for her tea, while inside, she felt like dancing and jumping and did all those girly stuff.

"You are a PhD student, how could you not a coffee person?" He followed her to wait for their order.

"Well, coffee and I? I think I have a love-hate relationship with them. Are you a heavy coffee drinker?" She asked him, genuinely curious.

"Only when it is necessary."  

"That's okay, I guess. But wait, how could you know that I am a PhD student?" She knew it was normal for him to know that, but an ego booster wouldn't hurt, would it?

Suddenly, he weirdly look nervous and cleared his throat. "Ummm...I think I saw you in the library a lot."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, definitely library." He answered and put his hand in his pants' pocket--clearly fidgeting--made her want to grin so wide, it hurt.

"Funny, I rarely work in Library other than picking up references." Decided to have mercy on him, she smiled again. "I'm Avni, it's nice to finally meet you, Schylar."

He chuckled over her recognition and smiled sheepishly, "I know you, Avni."

"Likewise..." She smiled softly and butterflies exploded in her guts. Damn, she felt like a fool now. Like a love struck--more likely a fan-girl, since he was so popular.

Eventually, he took both of their cups and looked at her warmly, "Shall we?"

"Lead the way." She said and let him picked their table. Once he stopped, she smiled softly because he chose her favorite table near the big wide window.

And there they sat until the sun was finally set.

Until he walked her to her doorstep and promised another coffee break together with her.

Until her spot became theirs.

Until days became weeks. 

And weeks became months...

Until now.

Her Perfect Life [4] : The Broken Knight in The Shining Armor and The Perfect Damsel in Distress

----

Today was just the worst. She walked through the long road home because she needed to think. Think over her conversation with her parents. How they still upset about her choice to pursue PhD right after her Master. Like come on, what was wrong with that choice? It was not like she wanted to run away from her responsibility to enter the 'real life'. 

PhD was also a big deal. Who wants to run away by undertaking 4 years of endless research? Putting their life at stake. It is laughable to think how people determine life by seeing how much money they can earn. She remembered the day when her parents were really proud of her because she was granted a full scholarship for her Master degree. But now, after she was officially unemployed and intending to pursue PhD rather than being a corporate slave, they suddenly stopped being proud.

Funny how demand could escalate quickly, you could never keep up. Funny how achievement or higher education did not matter anymore once you were not a money producer--like society demanded you to be. Was life really that simple? Earning money and die? Was money determining your value? Was nothing greater than money existing in life? Was happiness only coming from material treasure?

She knew she made a very harsh assumption about society. Who was she kidding? She needed money herself--yet, after endless study about money in her Master and how (already rich) people greedily conducted any method to earn more and more--it made her sick. It was not a life she ever imagined to live. She wanted a life with meaning. Where she could work passionately not only for herself, but also for others. She wanted to be useful for the people in a greater way. 

However, until now, nobody really gave her chance. It made her questioning herself, she hated it. It made her doubting her quality. And discouragement from people that she cared about did not help her situation. She wished for a safe haven where she could run into without running away from her problems. She wished for someone that would support and believe in her delirious dreams. She wished for someone who was strong enough for her to lean on.

She snorted--like that kind of person exist. Well, he was exist once before he went away and broke her heart severely. Made everything worse and damaged her further. She did not need that kind of distraction in the foreseeable future. Especially now, when she needed to fix her path and made the right decision. 

Or so she thought...

----

If today was not the worst, he did not know how to describe this situation any better. He practically flee from his parents--could not stand any more conversation about his brother's political campaign or his younger brother's appointment as a doctor. They did not even blink on the news about how he got accepted for a PhD program in the best university. Just because he only worked in Parliament for the past three years, while his older brother running for a Mayor, no pride was left behind for him. He worked for the greater society for crying out loud. He would also soon be promoted as the Prime Minister's executive staff after his PhD. Yet, no one care--as usual. Who was he kidding?

Despite of his border-less freedom, he started to wish for someone to truly care about him--not love, but care. Sometime people claim that they love him, yet they actually did not care. Who needed that kind of love? He thought about how right people who said that love's age was basically short. At the end of the day, he realized that nothing could please his parents, no matter how high his achievements were and how much expensive stuff he bought for them, they were already blinded by their so called love upon his siblings. Ah, that was the perk of being a trophy child, right? 

They only talked highly about him when people were around, but in front of him? Zero.

He snorted--how pathetic. Begging for an attention from his own parents like a teenager. Begging for an equal treatment like an adolescent. The saddest part was, they were unconsciously did that to him. No parents wanted to admit that they preferred certain child from the others. Like come on, loving equally was true, but human was human, we were born to have preference. Therefore, it was not about loving equally, it was about preferring equally--a concept which unfortunately did not exist.

----

She walked really fast in order to arrive in her apartment before it was raining. Nevertheless, like her other shattered hope, the sky chose to be overly empathized and cried for her. The vicious rain then forcing her to stop by in the nearest cafe. Maybe that was what she needed--a moment of silence in a cute cafe while watching the rainy weather. 

The gloomy weather outside was perfectly describing the pity-party inside her. She sat in the corner, a table for two beside the big wide window. After picking up her mug full of hot chocolate, she warmed her hands and observed people who practically running or simply walking under their umbrella. A mom who carried her daughter close. A dad who held his son's hand. A couple that embraced each other closely. The view made her realize how lonely she was, though.

It was poignant.

Until her eyes caught a certain handsome guy, who walked aimlessly in the street. He was drenched by the rain. She watched him with interest, not because his strong jaw or his blonde locks for that matter, and lets not forget his hot body. She smiled a little at her admission in the middle of this miserable condition before focusing on those sad and lost hazel eyes. She could tell that he was in a deep agony.

The fixer in her wanted to run and hug him. But who she was kidding, a guy like him probably had many women throw themselves on him? And her? She was too tired to fight for attention or love. If the people who supposed to love her did not even bother, why should she try on people who did not born with that capacity? 

She glanced a her hot chocolate. Silently cursed the tears that were now flowing freely.

----

He cursed under his breath for the sudden rain, validating his worst day into amazingly fucked up one. He basically walked the street like it did not bug him. He did not really care right now. Until he saw his favorite cafe that served his favorite espresso. He stood in front of the cafe and stopped his step rather abruptly because of the woman who currently sat near the window.

She appeared so broken and lonely. He even caught her wiped away her tears.

He looked away--did not want her to catch him watching. He exhaled softly before entering the cafe. After ordering his usual signature double espresso, he started to search for the perfect seat to think. He strolled to a table for two right across her. Once he sat there, she caught his eyes. Her eyes widened before she looked away and sipped from her mug--obviously fidgeting, made his lips twitched, amused. 

He used the opportunity to checked her out blatantly. She was really pretty. Not stunningly beautiful, but real sweet in the eye. There was something about her, though. Way beyond her appearance. Not that he found her unattractive, it was just her character spoke louder than her physic. It was a great pull for him. Despite of her sad eyes behind the geeky glasses, he found her like a giant magnet. He did not know why. 

Not until those sorrowful dark brown eyes finally stared back at him.

And there... like a punch in the gut, he just came across another functionally dysfunction soul, like his.

Unexpected Attachment

I am so sorry

for loving this place

more than I should be...

After: The Stormy Northern Coast

What would I give to live where you are?

What would I pay to stay here beside you?

What would I do to see you smiling at me?

Where would we walk, where would we run. 

If we could stay all day in the sun.

Just you and me and I could be part of your world!

---

The vicious wind pounded her window and the rain poured into the fragile glass like a bucket of ice cold water. She did not even know why she ended up in this wasted place where the clock ticked so slow. Where quietness was an ordinary harmony. Where dynamic was a foreign term. Everything moved in snail pace.

She used to celebrate this time of year among the crowd. Where she would drink and dance all night. Where she would kiss him when the clock stroke midnight. Where they would end up cuddling the next day because of the maddening hangover.

New year...

She sighed heavily. Snuggled deeper on her couch within the safety of her thick blanket, secretly wishing for a brand new start tomorrow.

***

Meanwhile, up in the north, where the coast granted the local with amazing weather, a guy drunk himself in his mom's fluffy grey couch. He wished for the alcohol to defeat him while helping him to sleep the night off. The older you get, the more you could care less about the whole 'new year new me' bullshit. He knew way better than that.

He laughed here and there, smiled to his nephew and nieces who were given an exceptional late bed time. He watched his big family snuggled close with each other in his parents' living room. In addition to his beloved ones, there was also her, the nurse of his broken heart. They thought he was now already healed--she healed him. Maybe she did... He honestly did not know the cause of his sudden melancholic mood. Maybe it was just a new year eve thing. There would always be something missing within him during this particular night.

He used to hug her so tightly during this time of the year. Or she dragged him to dance. After that, he would kissed her when they started the new year. It felt like a fresh start whenever he possessed the privilege to envelop her in his arms. Even when they both suffered a severe hangover the next day, they would never complain for the annual hibernation day. They usually spent the first day of every year tending each other's headache with more cuddles and breakfast in bed.

New year...

He stared into space and drunk another shot of Russian vodka, secretly wishing for another au courant beginning when it was finally January the 1st.

***

The bird chirped like mad this morning. She opened her heavy eyes for the first sunrise in the  new year. She smiled to herself--she made it into morning after the stormy night. Reluctantly, she forced herself to rise from her comfortable couch. She picked many papers from the wooden floor--the draft of her new novel. She did not even aware of the mess last night--too caught up with the thought of him.

She stared at the work piece in her hands. Her new handwriting--the reason why she needed to isolate herself in this remote place.

After securing the new script on her working desk, she opened her slightly damped curtain. The golden hours tempted her to bundle up and take a walk around the hills. She fell into the temptation willingly and covered herself with a thick ponco--did not really bother to put on her winter jacket. The temperature would not be that bad, wouldn't it?

Once she crossed her little house's threshold, she inhaled the refreshing air.

And then she felt it...

She felt something shifted within her. It felt like her broken heart mended itself. Like the tight rope that bond her chest was no longer exist. It was a remarkable relief. Yes, she admitted that the vicious knot was now turned into a scar. Yes, it was still there but it did not hurt like it used to be.

Suddenly, the urge to run to the cliff and watching the crazy ocean--the closest she could get to him--kicked her aggressively. She wanted to see the crazy, wavy and wild ocean in which she strangely found her solace. She broke herself free trough the hills. She ran, ran and rand. Enjoying the tranquility within her.

Eventually, she stopped on the edge of the highest brink with labored breaths. She watched the ocean and how the sun shone upon it... It was so beautiful, she wanted to cry.

The time that she had been waiting patiently for months was here. Her wait was over. She could finally find the beauty in her pain. The lessons of her suffering. And realized that only her can mend herself... She was her own remedy.

And on that day, on the first day of January, she laughed through her tears while reaching out for another part of her who was now across the violent ocean.

"I let you go..."

With that whisper she collapsed and cried like she never cried before. He was indeed so far away... just like what he said when he let her go.

***

"I let you go..."

He woke up with a jolt. Fuck! He dreamed about her. After all these months, she came into his dream again. He cursed under his breath, did not want to draw any attention. Although it was an unclear dream, he felt that his heart was like broken all over again.

His headache was now attacking him with full force. His lungs felt so tight and he needed to get out from the house immediately to clear his mind.

He changed fast into his running gear and ran out from the house like it was on fire. No, it was who was on dreadful fire. His chest was burning--it hurts so bad. He ran and ran and ran. He tried to set aside the pain. The pain of hearing her voice again, yet could not see her face.

How could they end up like this?

Suddenly the memory of their painful farewell months ago was barreling into his already messy thought. Ironically, on the first day of January, a brand new day, his past decided to invade every cell of his body. It felt like a physical pain. The more he ran, the more it blew his gut.

And finally...after 5 miles, he stopped suddenly in an almost deserted beach. In the ocean that separated him from her. He remembered those days when he came here often just to feel connected with her. In here, only the big wide ocean that parted them...nothing more. While in reality, they both knew the amount of the obstacles were unbeatable.

He closed his eyes. Funny, how he found his utmost comfort in a place where he felt closest to her.

"I miss you..."

He whispered through the wind--willingly submitted to his overwhelming feeling.

***

It was a day like this that made all the agony worth it--the day her novel was published. In several minutes, she would have a book signing in her favorite bookstore in that city. It might not a big one, yet it was her favorite. The concept of the bookstore was interesting. The owner adjoined the bookstore with a coffee shop, made the bookstore looked like an old yet captivating library.

After a signal from the owner, she sat on the small desk while, to her surprise, many people filled the area in before her. They were ready to listen about the story behind the newest novel.

The event started with the opening speech from the owner then before he let several readers to ask her question after question. She answered every single question patiently--hopping she was not appeared too reserved about it. She loved to expose herself in her art works but not directly in front of others like this.

"Last question..." the owner said after picked a girl in front.

"Why did you name this book as "The Closure"?"

She smiled at her question. Could not help but stole a glance to the corner table in the coffee shop. A table for two. Where everything began. When she fell in love...

"Have you ever feel the need to leave something behind? You dwell in it for a very long time. While deep down, you know that you should let it go at some point because sooner or later, it would hurt you badly if you insist to preserve such thing.

I name this new baby of mine as "The Closure" because I believe that every closure is always be the beginning of something better.

It is a moment when you overcome yourself and your struggle is finally paid off. It is a mark when you finally elevate yourself into a whole new higher level. As ironic as it may sound, people will finally learn their lessons precisely at the really end of every circumstance. At the end of every memory. At the end of love. At the end of commitment...even, at the end of their life.

Through this novel, I would like to share the art of letting go. To bravely reach out for your closure--no matter how hard it might be. You have been delaying your happiness for far too long.

At the end of the day, only you who can heal your self..."

***

He hated Paris. Especially, when it was raining like now. His bastard boss sent him here to finish some deals. Thanked God, it was over now. After almost two days of not sleeping, his meeting was finally over this morning. He was hopping for a better weather so he could do some sightseeing or met his French colleagues. Or he would just go to his favorite coffee shop in Paris, Café de Flore. Since he had a serious need of caffeine today, he knew Café de Flore's traditional French café crème would satisfy the need perfectly.

He walked through Saint Germain, blended with the Parisians on one of their crowded streets. Other than being so touristy, he should admit that Saint Germain was artsy. However, before he reached the coffee shop, he stopped by to his--well, her favorite book store: Librairie L'Ecume des Pages. He felt like torturing himself further today. Although he realized that February was approaching, he still had the urge to feel the abstract connection with her. 

He entered the place. For some pathetic reason, he knew that her book was released today--maybe that was the main reason why his evil heart dragged him to this bookstore. He, once again, tried to talk himself for not going to that shelf in the other side of the room, where her books were tucked safely, ready to be a sold-out in no time. Nevertheless, he was too weak. He gave in to his pathetic heart and approached the "New Arrival" shelf. His rather shaking hand reached out for her newest novel. He caressed the cover. The red cover where her initial crafted prettily in front of it. With a very heavy heart, he opened the book...

"...pour chaque conversation qui est en train de devenir des mots vides

pour chaque rêve qui est maintenant oublié

pour chaque promesse qui est maintenant brisée

et pour chaque histoire qui est maintenant abandonnée...la clôture."

If only she knew...

With that thought, he left her "Closure" behind and walked away. Ready to survive on the life she was finished with.

....

.....

***FIN***

PS: Hey guys, I apologize for the very late editing process. Now, I hope I made this piece better. It was a story that I wrote really late at night and posted rather hastily. I think I gotta need to tune down my impulsiveness. The urge to share this work kinda overcome my perfectionism tendency. And yes, I released this post when it was super ugly and full of errors. Please, accept this apology. Enjoy =)