Memories After You

It was a sunny afternoon stroll. I wiped the light sweat on my forehead but I was too excited to let my exhaustion of jet-lag stopped me to explore. The summer golden hours were really beautiful. I enjoyed it, I even closed my eyes, still could not believe that I was here. In the land of freedom with a new hope in my heart.

My steps were light as I explored the wide roads and narrow streets. There were many small cafes, stores and restaurants. I even walked further and found cute market. Did I tell you that I had a thing with a supermarket with warm and cozy condition? Where the sold stuff was aligned beautifully, but most important, they were things I had never seen nor tried before.

During my walk, I also mapped many coffee shops that I would visit. A coffee shop in the corner of the street, the one that was enriched with big wide window. I also loved some quietness it offered. Far away from the campus. Not that I did not adore my new, beautifully designed and high-tech campus, but it was still the medium of struggle nonetheless.

The highlights were the sense of freedom. The feeling of strangeness. The promise of exploration and inspiration. The idea of knowing new people. The ability to hone myself with a better equipment.  I loved all that above.

Now that you were gone into oblivion, I finally remembered those things—things that I loved before you and now, after you.

Their Perfect Life [7] : Entirely of Possibility - Part 3

As broken as her heart might be, she was bored working at home. It was 5 in the afternoon, almost sunset. Walking around under the golden hours seemed appealing. Maybe she could finally update her Instagram which was almost dead, since she had not been posting stuff for a while. She loved photography and tolerated social media but she loved her real moments more.

After thinking over the pros and cons, she finally decided to go out and brought along her Harry Potter 7th novel.

She took a detour, avoiding 'their' usual coffee shop, just in case he was still there. She snorted over her own idea, there was no way he would wait for her. He must be busy right now, she thought while rolling her eyes. She walked down the beautiful canal and passed the cafe that sold the best chocolate in town. She stopped in front of the cafe.

The cafe's warm atmosphere was so tempting, yet she could not deny the sadness creeping in. It was also the reason why she came to the cafe after the big fight with her parents six months ago--it was all because of the displayed comfort. Funnily, it was also the first time she met him. A guy who was suddenly sitting in front of her, watching her quietly. Despite of her depression, there was something about him that made her couldn't help but notice.

She finally entered the cafe and picked the same spot to sit, near the big wide window. It was almost hilarious how this cafe suddenly turned into her safe haven whenever she was upset.

After ordering a hot chocolate from the overly kind waiter, who half flirted half asked for her order, she sighed and leaned on the chair. Slowly, closing her eyes.

It still hurt, though.

No, worse than that. She missed him already.

****

He walked along the canal, his feeling was a mess. His instinct told him to drop by her apartment asked what was wrong with her. What if she got sick? What if she was mad at him? But why? He sighed and kept walking.

Suddenly, he stopped dead on his track. There she was, sitting on the same spot where he found her around six months ago. His own personal hidden gem. However, she looked so upset yet peaceful at the same time. She closed her eyes but he knew that she was not sleeping.

Was she okay?
Was she avoiding him by not coming to their usual coffee break?
He had to know! This wondering business started to piss him off.

He entered the cafe and approached her rather quickly--too quick for his liking--yet, he did not give a damn anymore. Three months were enough to be with her but not in the way he wanted. Seeing her closing her eyes with sagging shoulder made him wanted, no scratched that, needed to hold her close. Shielded her from the bad, every single one. No more arm-length approach, he could not do that anymore.

****

She was so tired, she might fall asleep in that comfy chair. The heavenly smell of Belgian chocolate did not help either. However, she remembered that she was now in a cafe, no one would appreciate a sleeping girl in the chair, no matter how cozy it was.

Slowly she opened her eyes...and there he was.

"Am I dreaming?" She mumbled to herself.

"Nope..." He smiled softly.

Gosh! He was so gorgeous! She almost hated herself for thinking about that because he was not hers to own.

"What are you doing here?" She said rather hoarsely.

"Looking for you because you bail on our regular coffee?"

"Well, I'm not feeling well."

"Which is exactly why you should go home now and sleep."

"I was bored at home." She answered and straightened her posture.

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

"Ummm...why should I?" She frowned, remembering his lovey-dovey lunch with Alissa.

"Well, I can bring you something to eat? I can even bring your hot chai tea. I waited for two hours, you know."

"You did?"

"Yes." He said, looking dejected.

"Why?"

"Well, that's our routine." He said simply.

"I thought--"

"You thought what, Avni?"

"Nothing." She said.

She did not need to make things more complicated than it was. They never talked about being more than a coffee buddy. Yes, there were time when she thought that he attracted to her but he never really made any move. They had been a coffee buddy for almost 4 months now.

Yet, after his admission of waiting for her, she really hoped that he might want more, despite of the fact that he took Alissa out.

But who was she? He was a free and eligible man, he deserved thousands of Alissas. Most importantly, he had the freedom to choose whoever he wanted.

She had no right.

That was why she should snap it out before he knew about her feeling and leaving her high and dry. Well, at least she could always have a friend like him. That way, she could always have him near despite of their different expectation.

"I'm okay, really." Avni righted her sitting position, tried her best to assure him that she was really okay.

"I don't trust you." He said doubtfully while studying her.

She forced herself to grin so wide, she almost believe that she was fine.

"Reallyyy... And I'm sorry again that I did not contact you. I thought you would leave once you saw that I wasn't there. I also thought that you might be busy so I didn't text nor call you." She admitted and bit her lip.

Yes, it was correct, she never had the gut to contact him. He also never contacted her, other than talking about their coffee schedule, which was really sad. For her, it was an obvious sign that he did not want more.

Gosh! It was getting harder and harder. The more she spent her time with him, the more she wanted him.

He felt like home, a place where she belonged. He looked like someone she could rely on. She trusted him--something that she rarely gave, especially to a man. Yet, she did not want to compete to get his heart. She has no energy left.

Especially, after witnessing how easy he could charm other woman.

She should get out from here soon without hurting his feeling. Maybe also avoid him until unforeseeable future, it was for the best or for the sake of her sanity. She was sure he would be okay, though. Schylar without Avni would be fine but Avni without Schylar... well, let's just say that Avni must work harder than Schylar to cope with the loss of their regular coffee time.

He suddenly exhaled frustratingly which made her guilty but also confused.

"Umm...you okay?" Avni asked, unsure.

"No, I'm not okay, Avni. This is not okay." He groaned frustratingly.

"Well, you can tell me if you want, if it would make you better." The truth was Avni wanted to comfort him, hug him. Heck! She just simply wanted him.

He then looked at Avni in the eyes, his face somber. "I want you."

Avni gasped, not prepared at all over his blunt admission.

"It's been a while since I want you but I know what we are and what we are not. I want more now. Your absence was a slap to myself. It reminds me on how helpless I was dealing with your absence. 

I dealt with many people, lobbied hundred of politicians, yet here I am being a coward in front of you. I didn't even have the gut to use your phone number whenever I want!

I don't want to deny myself anymore, Avni. I want you. I want to be your guy. I want to have a quick lunch with you even between our crazy schedule. I want to have a longer coffee time with you. I want to be your dinner date. Hell, I want to call you or even text you whenever I want.

I want you to rely on me like I rely on you. I want you to trust me like I trust you. I just simply want you to want me like I do you."

Avni was speechless, while Schylar looked so desperate.

He dugged his head before smiled bitterly before pinned Avni with his fiery gaze.

"It looks like that I don't only want you, I need you. So Avni, is there any chance that you somehow need me too?"

His glistened eyes were her undoing. She raised from her seat, sat on his lap and simply held him.

"I need you too."

He held her so tight, she could not breath. Yet, it was the easiest breath she could take today.

Meeting You

I will meet you.

Maybe I have met you when you held her hand or when I held his hand.
Maybe I have met you when you were on a date with her or when I was on a date with him.
Maybe I have met you when you cuddled her on the movie or when I cuddled him on the movie.
Maybe I have met you when you held her close on the beach or when I held him close on the beach.

Maybe we were passing by that day but we just did not notice each other.

Maybe we were on the same coffee shop, you bought espresso while I chose chai tea.
Maybe we were on the same aisle, you bought some snacks while I picked some fruits.
Maybe we were on the same bookstore, you bought some non-fiction while I bought romance novel.
Maybe we were in that cozy restaurant, you drunk red wine while I drunk rose.

Maybe we were at the same place.
Within the same crowd.
Under the same sky.
Stood several feet from each other.

I will meet you.

Years Gone By

Today, I should face my fear.

She said the mantra over and over again. Not really ready to do what she was about to do. Too scared to discover the truth. Maybe it was too late, maybe it was not right. Maybe it was a mistake. She did not even know why she agreed to face the truth. She should just stay where she was. Happy with her life, leaving the past.

She sighed. Too tired to think about possibilities.  Maybe it was all now forgotten. Maybe she was the only one that had photographic memory. Or maybe not. She sat on her bed and looked toward the skyline through her hotel room’s window.

She could not help but thought...

They are now under the exact same sky and it is so frightening.

****

What would I say?

There was this little excitement that he tried to kill. If he recalled, he never had this kind of feeling anymore. It was long time ago, but why did his heart beat like it was never beating before. It made him realize how time passed like a blink of an eye. He tried not to smile to think about possibilities. 

He walked faster so he could arrive earlier. He basically did not know what to expect. Maybe she would not be there. Maybe she forgot. Maybe she had canceled. It would be a lie if those probabilities killed his joy a little.

Nevertheless, he could not help but thought...

They are now in the same city and it is so terrifying.

His Perfect Life [7]: Entirely of Possibility - Part 2

She was just plain annoying. He bloody did not know why he asked her out for a lunch. Funny how he used to think her as an uber hot girl. He should have asked Avni out, instead!

He even had a spare time today during lunch hour, why did not he ask Avni out, again? Oh yeah, because panic gripped his heart when Alissa brought up about Avni. As someone who worshiped privacy, since his work also required him to do so, he hated the fact that a big mouth girl who happened to be the Undersecretary's daughter was pointing over his relationship with Avni.

He almost rolled his eyes like a girl with his own thought; relationship? As if he was brave enough to ask her out for a proper date her.

"Schylar, are you even listening to me?" Alissa's annoying voice interrupted his thoughts about Avni--his one in a million girl.

"Hmm... I'm sorry, what did you say?" He asked not really interested. His meal was long gone, not because he was hungry, simply because he wanted this lunch to be over already.

"I said, my dad wanted to meet you."

Yes, definitely a mistake--so much for being a polite gentleman.

****

After a quick, yet felt like forever lunch with Alissa, he went back to his office. He intentionally passed by Avni's office to have a quick glance or maybe to say hi and finally asked her out for a dinner. It is been three months and all he did was taking her over a cup of coffee only. She deserved more than that.

Disappointment crept upon his heart when he saw her empty office. And then he walked down to his office, wondering where she went and with whom she had her lunch with--almost for the whole day.

Too bad he always avoided using her numbers. Gosh! It had been three months, it was okay to call or text her something other than their coffee break, wasn't it? Or maybe not, she might be busy. She was definitely busy.

And then he busied himself with load of works to distract his wandering mind.

****

It was  4 o'clock sharp and he already sat in their usual table with their usual orders. Yet, she had not come yet. She was usually on time and now, she was 15 minutes late already. Her chai had gone cold. Everytime someone entered the coffee shop, his hope was blown up because it was not her--always not her.

Was she forget their usual coffee time? He finally called her and of course, her recorded voice asked him to call her later.

Damn. He missed her already.

After almost two hours of waiting and there was no sign of her arrival, he dumped her chai in the nearest garbage and walked out the coffee shop. Totally dejected.

Since his coffee with Avni was always being the highlight of his day, going back straight to his apartment without sending Avni home first seemed not appealing at all. Hence, a detour then he made. A detour that he took just like when his parents broke his heart severely, when he met her for the first time in that antique hot chocolate cafe.

Her Perfect Life [6] : Entirely of Possibility - Part 1

It's been like three or four months, she did not really bother to count the time. It seemed like she could not keep up anymore. Other than interesting conversations over a cup of mild coffee almost every single weekday with him, she found the idea of life a little dull. She basically researched, wrote, edited, reported, ate, and slept, repeatedly. She was thinking about having a vacation she did not deserve. At least, not yet.

With a heavy sigh, she glanced at her watch. It was almost lunch time. A smile formed softly in her face when she brought out her blue lunch box. Yesterday, during her coffee-break with him, she mentioned about her passion in making pastries, especially muffin. He was thrill to hear about that and asked her to bake for him. He even requested a macadamia nut one. And here it was, placed neatly in a lunch box.

When the clock was finally reaching mid day, she excitingly exited her room and approached his room on the other side of the building. Although their interaction mainly occurred during their coffee-break, since lunch-time usually off-limits, she gladly made an exception today. A stolen 5 to 10 minutes with him would not hurt her, would it?

Well, after all, he was currently the spice in her life. She even started to feel something for him, little by little. Yet, recognizing the said feeling was not wise. He even never asked her out more than enjoying a coffee. That thought slowed her step even when she had arrived almost in front of his office. His door was open like a silent invitation that she thought to reconsider.

"I heard you're dating someone for the last three months. Is the rumor true that the Great Schylar is finally falling?" A female voice coming from his office. It was Alissa, the girl who had been chasing after him forever. Well, who did not chase after someone like him? The depressing thought made her want to role her eyes instead. Especially, with the possibility of her joining the club. She cringed over that idea.

The topic Alissa raised intrigued her, nonetheless. She walked a little bit closer, act purely upon her curiosity.

"Where did you hear such a thing?" He answered rather distractedly.

"Well, I've seen you having a coffee with that Avni girl almost everyday. She is pretty, though." Alissa said flatly.

"You are pretty." He said.

"I take that as a compliment. Yet, I think my prettiness is not really useful since you never ask me out. Even for a friendly coffee-break."

She braced herself for his answer.

"Now that you have mentioned that, I'm taking you out for lunch today."

"And a coffee?" Alissa said excitingly.

"Well, only when you are not loathing me after our lunch."

"I won't!"

"In that case, shall we go?"

Before they walked outside his office, she left hastily--not wanting to get caught. After she arrived in the other side of the building, she tried to calm her heart. It beat a little funny. She sighed heavily and looked down to the yummy muffin. At least she got macadamia nut muffin for lunch. She would eat it here in the office...while enjoying the dull life. The dull life was possibly what she needed most now.

She shrugged the feeling off, they were apparently not so little anymore--and she despised that idea entirely. She preferred little. Little was safe.

After shutting her door and sitting in her desk, she was drowned by her work intentionally. At least she would get more work done, since she would skip a coffee-break today. And maybe tomorrow and the day after that. Not sure when she would want to have a coffee-break ever again.

Her Perfect Life [5] : Taking Chances

Today she opted to walk home, not in the mood to ride her bike. She loved this city during their so called summer afternoon. The sun was almost set, spreading its color to the blue sky. It was simply lovely. The temperature was okay, while the wind...it was another story to tell.

When she walked downtown, she thought about having a coffee break. She could watch people and listen to her iPod. Enjoying her quite time before it got hectic again, tonight. Yeah, a couple of hours would not hurt her articles. She entered her favorite cafe and stopped rather abruptly when she saw him queued. She tried to calm her nerve down and stood behind him, it wasn't like he would remember her.

Her fellow PhD student, yet his qualification was just way above her. He was also really handsome and tall, like all the guys Taylor Swift was singing about--unless, his skin was more golden with sandy blonde hair. Typical Caucasian. She could not help but thanked her lucky stars for giving her a fine sight for her sore eyes. Well, reading journals after journals for hours did that to her, obviously.

"I would like a double shot espresso, please." He ordered with his velvety baritone voice with a warm smile.

There was something about him that pulled her greatly. It was not only his look, considering the fact that she lived in a country where finest genes were produced. It was his kind but guarded eyes. She felt like he was so diplomatic with his life. From what she saw and heard about him during their first semester, he was a very friendly, smart and cheerful guy. Yet, she felt something was still different. There was more of him behind those hazel eyes.

"Your order please, Miss?" The other barista was suddenly open the other register, brought her back to reality.

"Oh... Umm... can I have a hot chai tea latte, please?"

"It's a coffee shop, you know, and they do have great coffee. It's too good to be missed." He said while waiting for his change. She looked at him rather surprisingly, before composing her demeanor.

"I'm not really a coffee person." She shrugged indifferently and gave the register several euros for her tea, while inside, she felt like dancing and jumping and did all those girly stuff.

"You are a PhD student, how could you not a coffee person?" He followed her to wait for their order.

"Well, coffee and I? I think I have a love-hate relationship with them. Are you a heavy coffee drinker?" She asked him, genuinely curious.

"Only when it is necessary."  

"That's okay, I guess. But wait, how could you know that I am a PhD student?" She knew it was normal for him to know that, but an ego booster wouldn't hurt, would it?

Suddenly, he weirdly look nervous and cleared his throat. "Ummm...I think I saw you in the library a lot."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, definitely library." He answered and put his hand in his pants' pocket--clearly fidgeting--made her want to grin so wide, it hurt.

"Funny, I rarely work in Library other than picking up references." Decided to have mercy on him, she smiled again. "I'm Avni, it's nice to finally meet you, Schylar."

He chuckled over her recognition and smiled sheepishly, "I know you, Avni."

"Likewise..." She smiled softly and butterflies exploded in her guts. Damn, she felt like a fool now. Like a love struck--more likely a fan-girl, since he was so popular.

Eventually, he took both of their cups and looked at her warmly, "Shall we?"

"Lead the way." She said and let him picked their table. Once he stopped, she smiled softly because he chose her favorite table near the big wide window.

And there they sat until the sun was finally set.

Until he walked her to her doorstep and promised another coffee break together with her.

Until her spot became theirs.

Until days became weeks. 

And weeks became months...

Until now.