H-26

Vulnerable.

That word is echoing in my head over and over again. It was a terrible echo because right now I just feel that way. I hate to acknowledge my vulnerability, especially when I thought that everything is under control. No, there is no control apparently. You cannot control anything. not even yourself. Then the control generates fear. A fear of being vulnerable. Without control, you cannot predict. You can no longer know what to prevent and what to overcome. It is so scary that you want to run. You want to run so bad...but how? How can you run from yourself? How can you save you from yourself? It is just impossible. How can you fight your pain when it is there, rooting like a cancer. Undermining your guts and damaging your brain. You cannot think. You cannot do anything about that... but you can only feel.

Maybe this is the reason why people is running from their own feeling. They shield themselves by denying their own feeling. They do not want to take any chance to embrace their feeling simply because they will make you vulnerable.

Vulnerability.

I want to feel despite all of these frightening consequences.
I want to feel despite of this pain.

There is a quote from a book that I do really really adore; The Fault in Our Stars. Where John Green wrote beautifully about how pain is bearable. How Hazel Grace is the living proof that even if it hurts so bad, you can still live with pain. Yes, it demands to be felt but then you can also face it bravely and still live your life anyway.

This is the shits that I always tell myself. Yeah, this time is just my turn. My turn to face this hard time. Like any other human. When you feel the loss and then watch his back from afar. How someone that you value so much just go away from your life. How that someone can just easily remove you from his mind, his heart (maybe) and finally his life. How two people that used to be so close just grow apart.

Vulnerable.

Loss.
Pain.

It is okay to be vulnerable.
To embrace your feeling.
And let it go eventually...

***

"Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers that I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters that he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful..."

and finally...

"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world but you do have some say in who hurts you."

***