I am so sorry
for loving this place
more than I should be...
Thursday, February 25, 2016
Friday, February 5, 2016
After: The Stormy Northern Coast
---
The vicious wind pounded her window and the rain poured into the fragile glass like a bucket of ice cold water. She did not even know why she ended up in this wasted place where the clock ticked so slow. Where quietness was an ordinary harmony. Where dynamic was a foreign term. Everything moved in snail pace.
She used to celebrate this time of year among the crowd. Where she would drink and dance all night. Where she would kiss him when the clock stroke midnight. Where they would end up cuddling the next day because of the maddening hangover.
New year...
She sighed heavily. Snuggled deeper on her couch within the safety of her thick blanket, secretly wishing for a brand new start tomorrow.
***
Meanwhile, up in the north, where the coast granted the local with amazing weather, a guy drunk himself in his mom's fluffy grey couch. He wished for the alcohol to defeat him while helping him to sleep the night off. The older you get, the more you could care less about the whole 'new year new me' bullshit. He knew way better than that.
He laughed here and there, smiled to his nephew and nieces who were given an exceptional late bed time. He watched his big family snuggled close with each other in his parents' living room. In addition to his beloved ones, there was also her, the nurse of his broken heart. They thought he was now already healed--she healed him. Maybe she did... He honestly did not know the cause of his sudden melancholic mood. Maybe it was just a new year eve thing. There would always be something missing within him during this particular night.
He used to hug her so tightly during this time of the year. Or she dragged him to dance. After that, he would kissed her when they started the new year. It felt like a fresh start whenever he possessed the privilege to envelop her in his arms. Even when they both suffered a severe hangover the next day, they would never complain for the annual hibernation day. They usually spent the first day of every year tending each other's headache with more cuddles and breakfast in bed.
New year...
He stared into space and drunk another shot of Russian vodka, secretly wishing for another au courant beginning when it was finally January the 1st.
***
The bird chirped like mad this morning. She opened her heavy eyes for the first sunrise in the new year. She smiled to herself--she made it into morning after the stormy night. Reluctantly, she forced herself to rise from her comfortable couch. She picked many papers from the wooden floor--the draft of her new novel. She did not even aware of the mess last night--too caught up with the thought of him.
She stared at the work piece in her hands. Her new handwriting--the reason why she needed to isolate herself in this remote place.
She stared at the work piece in her hands. Her new handwriting--the reason why she needed to isolate herself in this remote place.
After securing the new script on her working desk, she opened her slightly damped curtain. The golden hours tempted her to bundle up and take a walk around the hills. She fell into the temptation willingly and covered herself with a thick ponco--did not really bother to put on her winter jacket. The temperature would not be that bad, wouldn't it?
Once she crossed her little house's threshold, she inhaled the refreshing air.
And then she felt it...
She felt something shifted within her. It felt like her broken heart mended itself. Like the tight rope that bond her chest was no longer exist. It was a remarkable relief. Yes, she admitted that the vicious knot was now turned into a scar. Yes, it was still there but it did not hurt like it used to be.
And then she felt it...
She felt something shifted within her. It felt like her broken heart mended itself. Like the tight rope that bond her chest was no longer exist. It was a remarkable relief. Yes, she admitted that the vicious knot was now turned into a scar. Yes, it was still there but it did not hurt like it used to be.
Suddenly, the urge to run to the cliff and watching the crazy ocean--the closest she could get to him--kicked her aggressively. She wanted to see the crazy, wavy and wild ocean in which she strangely found her solace. She broke herself free trough the hills. She ran, ran and rand. Enjoying the tranquility within her.
Eventually, she stopped on the edge of the highest brink with labored breaths. She watched the ocean and how the sun shone upon it... It was so beautiful, she wanted to cry.
Eventually, she stopped on the edge of the highest brink with labored breaths. She watched the ocean and how the sun shone upon it... It was so beautiful, she wanted to cry.
The time that she had been waiting patiently for months was here. Her wait was over. She could finally find the beauty in her pain. The lessons of her suffering. And realized that only her can mend herself... She was her own remedy.
And on that day, on the first day of January, she laughed through her tears while reaching out for another part of her who was now across the violent ocean.
"I let you go..."
With that whisper she collapsed and cried like she never cried before. He was indeed so far away... just like what he said when he let her go.
***
"I let you go..."
He woke up with a jolt. Fuck! He dreamed about her. After all these months, she came into his dream again. He cursed under his breath, did not want to draw any attention. Although it was an unclear dream, he felt that his heart was like broken all over again.
His headache was now attacking him with full force. His lungs felt so tight and he needed to get out from the house immediately to clear his mind.
His headache was now attacking him with full force. His lungs felt so tight and he needed to get out from the house immediately to clear his mind.
He changed fast into his running gear and ran out from the house like it was on fire. No, it was who was on dreadful fire. His chest was burning--it hurts so bad. He ran and ran and ran. He tried to set aside the pain. The pain of hearing her voice again, yet could not see her face.
How could they end up like this?
Suddenly the memory of their painful farewell months ago was barreling into his already messy thought. Ironically, on the first day of January, a brand new day, his past decided to invade every cell of his body. It felt like a physical pain. The more he ran, the more it blew his gut.
And finally...after 5 miles, he stopped suddenly in an almost deserted beach. In the ocean that separated him from her. He remembered those days when he came here often just to feel connected with her. In here, only the big wide ocean that parted them...nothing more. While in reality, they both knew the amount of the obstacles were unbeatable.
He closed his eyes. Funny, how he found his utmost comfort in a place where he felt closest to her.
"I miss you..."
He whispered through the wind--willingly submitted to his overwhelming feeling.
***
It was a day like this that made all the agony worth it--the day her novel was published. In several minutes, she would have a book signing in her favorite bookstore in that city. It might not a big one, yet it was her favorite. The concept of the bookstore was interesting. The owner adjoined the bookstore with a coffee shop, made the bookstore looked like an old yet captivating library.
After a signal from the owner, she sat on the small desk while, to her surprise, many people filled the area in before her. They were ready to listen about the story behind the newest novel.
The event started with the opening speech from the owner then before he let several readers to ask her question after question. She answered every single question patiently--hopping she was not appeared too reserved about it. She loved to expose herself in her art works but not directly in front of others like this.
The event started with the opening speech from the owner then before he let several readers to ask her question after question. She answered every single question patiently--hopping she was not appeared too reserved about it. She loved to expose herself in her art works but not directly in front of others like this.
"Last question..." the owner said after picked a girl in front.
"Why did you name this book as "The Closure"?"
She smiled at her question. Could not help but stole a glance to the corner table in the coffee shop. A table for two. Where everything began. When she fell in love...
"Have you ever feel the need to leave something behind? You dwell in it for a very long time. While deep down, you know that you should let it go at some point because sooner or later, it would hurt you badly if you insist to preserve such thing.
I name this new baby of mine as "The Closure" because I believe that every closure is always be the beginning of something better.
It is a moment when you overcome yourself and your struggle is finally paid off. It is a mark when you finally elevate yourself into a whole new higher level. As ironic as it may sound, people will finally learn their lessons precisely at the really end of every circumstance. At the end of every memory. At the end of love. At the end of commitment...even, at the end of their life.
Through this novel, I would like to share the art of letting go. To bravely reach out for your closure--no matter how hard it might be. You have been delaying your happiness for far too long.
At the end of the day, only you who can heal your self..."
I name this new baby of mine as "The Closure" because I believe that every closure is always be the beginning of something better.
It is a moment when you overcome yourself and your struggle is finally paid off. It is a mark when you finally elevate yourself into a whole new higher level. As ironic as it may sound, people will finally learn their lessons precisely at the really end of every circumstance. At the end of every memory. At the end of love. At the end of commitment...even, at the end of their life.
Through this novel, I would like to share the art of letting go. To bravely reach out for your closure--no matter how hard it might be. You have been delaying your happiness for far too long.
At the end of the day, only you who can heal your self..."
***
He hated Paris. Especially, when it was raining like now. His bastard boss sent him here to finish some deals. Thanked God, it was over now. After almost two days of not sleeping, his meeting was finally over this morning. He was hopping for a better weather so he could do some sightseeing or met his French colleagues. Or he would just go to his favorite coffee shop in Paris, Café de Flore. Since he had a serious need of caffeine today, he knew Café de Flore's traditional French café crème would satisfy the need perfectly.
He walked through Saint Germain, blended with the Parisians on one of their crowded streets. Other than being so touristy, he should admit that Saint Germain was artsy. However, before he reached the coffee shop, he stopped by to his--well, her favorite book store: Librairie L'Ecume des Pages. He felt like torturing himself further today. Although he realized that February was approaching, he still had the urge to feel the abstract connection with her.
He entered the place. For some pathetic reason, he knew that her book was released today--maybe that was the main reason why his evil heart dragged him to this bookstore. He, once again, tried to talk himself for not going to that shelf in the other side of the room, where her books were tucked safely, ready to be a sold-out in no time. Nevertheless, he was too weak. He gave in to his pathetic heart and approached the "New Arrival" shelf. His rather shaking hand reached out for her newest novel. He caressed the cover. The red cover where her initial crafted prettily in front of it. With a very heavy heart, he opened the book...
"...pour chaque conversation qui est en train de devenir des mots vides
pour chaque rêve qui est maintenant oublié
pour chaque promesse qui est maintenant brisée
et pour chaque histoire qui est maintenant abandonnée...la clôture."
If only she knew...
With that thought, he left her "Closure" behind and walked away. Ready to survive on the life she was finished with.
....
.....
***FIN***
PS: Hey guys, I apologize for the very late editing process. Now, I hope I made this piece better. It was a story that I wrote really late at night and posted rather hastily. I think I gotta need to tune down my impulsiveness. The urge to share this work kinda overcome my perfectionism tendency. And yes, I released this post when it was super ugly and full of errors. Please, accept this apology. Enjoy =)
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Monday, January 11, 2016
First Dates
"So what's next?" Alric asked Dalia expectantly.
"Hmmm... let me see on my list." Dalia said and her eyebrows furrowed--fully concentrated with the list in her phone.
Alric could not help himself but studying her and smiling. She was just so gentle and funny. He was one lucky bastard. Suddenly, his chest felt so tight when he realize how lucky he was. The revelation was so painful that he had to set aside the overwhelming feeling. He needed to focus on the present time. Today was all about her and...maybe also him.
"You are so crazy!" He responded, tried to light up the mood.
She grinned so wide and said, "How can you just figure it out ow? Let's go! I want to take a walk in Central Park with you! Or maybe we can also ride the famous carousel?"
"What? Riding a carousel? No!"
"Coward!"
He laughed and walked beside her. Deep down, they both knew that he would ride the carousel with her in the end. Hell, he would do anything for her today!
On that afternoon, they tried to blend in with New Yorkers but her eyes were too greedy. They roamed all over the places like it was her first time. While she was savoring of the buzzing 5th Avenue, he watched her carefully. She was so carefree--so pain free. He was amazed by her. How could she do that in front of him?
Nevertheless, he knew better than that. He noticed how sometime she stared into space sadly. He wished he could envelope her and shield her from the excruciating pain. But how? Well, at least today he would endeavor to be her wishes-granting factory.
"You know what, I'm kind of curious. What kind of date--" He wondered out loud.
"Dates!" she cut him quickly and made him chuckle.
"I'm sorry, let me re-phrase that. So, what kind of dates require a lot of activity?"
"Hmmm...well, since it's our first date--"
"Dates!" he playfully mimicked her previous objection.
"Yes, I mean first dates. Gosh, you are so annoying!" Dalia pouted, made him laughing more.
"Let's go fulfilling your list before it's dark!"
"It's fine, afternoon stroll at the Central Park with you is my last list, though." She said with her toothy grin--again. Made him wanted to punch someone in the face--probably himself.
"Okay then..."
And they fell into a very comfortable silence. New York City during rush hour had spoken enough for both of them, until he remembered that she had not answered his question.
"By the way, you haven't answered my question, D." Alric whispered suggestively in Delia's ears.
"Well, because I want to make up for our lost time in the past and future." Delia shrugged Alric's gesture like it was nothing.
Alric smirked and played along with her indifferent attitude. While Delia ignored his reckless flirty gesture, Alric chose to shrug her point about their future. It was just not appealing to think about the future.
"Ah! That's your carousel! Shall we take a ride?" He asked looking at her. However, the girl in front of him was too busy looking at her feet.
"D, what's wrong?"
"Umm...well--I..umm..would you t-take my hand?" She cringed with her own question. It made Alric grinned widely. The idea of touching her was fascinating. He never tried but now that she offered her hand to him, he took her hand like there was no tomorrow. Like there was no consequences.
"Like this?" His big hand swallowed her small one. Her gaze shifted to their adjoined hands. Just like him, she seemed amazed with the newly formed bond.
"Like that..." She answered him softly and finally looked straight to his eyes, smiling sweetly. He felt that her look penetrated his soul against his will but he dismissed it immediately. He tugged her gently and embarked the carousel.
She squealed delightfully when he lifted her by the waist onto the nearest hobbyhorse. He chuckled in return and just stood beside her after that. She was so hypnotizing. So pure... so naive. The way she soaked up all the simple happiness around her made him wanted to guard her from all the ugliness. But, how could he protect her from himself?
Simple. He could not.
If he wanted to protect her, he should have left her alone and never returned when their situation went south. The thought alone gutted him deeply, nonetheless. It seemed like she was simply unavoidable. That was her--his unavoidable. His unintended.
When she looked up to him with that loving eyes so obvious--he kissed her forehead. If only she knew how he loved her deeply. How he needed her in his life. How he wanted her to always be there for him. Sadly, not in that way... Not in her way of loving, needing and wanting him.
They stayed like that because both of them were so selfish. That night, they threw their responsibilities out of the window. They devoured each other's happiness carelessly, and made many irrevocably cherished memories to last a lifetime. For they fully realized that tomorrow was never promised...
***FIN***
PS: I listened to Adele's "All I Ask" over and over again when I wrote this piece. Such an inspiring ballad indeed!
About Writing
Writing is the sweetest escape where you can play as god in your story and spill your deepest emotion that simply cannot be expressed in any verbal way. Writing is both my addiction and therapy...
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
From Time to Time (1): Gemini's Case
Ira was sitting on her desk, hopping the hours to finish immediately. It did not mean that she dislike her job because her work was always interesting. Despite of her disability to divide between working behind her desk or simply being a happy go lucky girl who observed every single detail, she functioned just fine so far. Including today, when she finally agreed to go out for a cocktail with her long time high school friend.
Beep beep beep!
Her alarm blasted throughout her highly hygienic room. Funny how this institution still using those crazy alarm to remind people that they have life other than helping others. As funny as it might sound, helping people did not mean to lose yourself in process. For one could not help others while she needs to be helped herself.
Ira took her bag from her desk and walked of to her social activity--or well, one could hardly define this as a regular night out' Since it was 'that' friend, with a heavy heart she should admit that this meeting would just another work in the field.
Well, who would complain anyway? She secretly loved it!
****
One month and a half ago...
Gemini sat across Ira in a burger booth. It was lunch time and as a successful CEO, Gemini could just get out from her office and kidnapped a lowly staff like Ira from her work. She said that she needed Ira to fulfill her emergency best friend's duty. Ira knew that kind of language and phrase. A lot of people related her with those labels. First, the emergency term and second, the best friend status.
Ironically, in contrast with popular believe, Ira never really awarded anyone with the second title. But she kept that fact to herself only. She most definitely knew that once people realize that whatever they feel towards other was one sided, they would close off and run. Ira hated to disappoint people and she knew that once she broke their trust, her mission would be nothing but a failure.
And the emergency term, people always came to her when they face an emergency issue within. Sometime their opposite was their own self and character, but other time, they usually have a problem with other person. Which for Ira was the same because she was still the person who analyze, calculate, and give advise to solve the problem.
Just like today, when she fulfilled her duty as Gemini's friend to solve her emergency problem.
"So, what's up?" Straight to the point, Ira felt like skipping any typical chit-chat because the only one who wanted to know about the other's update was Ira, as ironic as it could be. Yet, she would not complain since baring herself was never an option.
"I'm in love!" Gemini shrieked excitedly.
"Oh yeah?" Nothing new.
"With my best friend! You know Grandie, my long time best friend!"
"Really?"
This was news!
"How? I mean not that I don't know about his not-so-secretive feeling for you, but when did you finally realize that you are in love with him? You said not long time ago that he was childish, not your type and definitely not a husband material?" Despite of her previous swear to not investigate her friend, Ira could not help but to ask so many questions--as usual.
"Well, actually that's the reason I was a little reluctant to share this news. I was afraid of your judgement..."
"You know I never judge and never will. Call it a pure curiosity...as always." Ira cut Gemini's statement so she would not doubt her way of thinking.
"Ummm...where should I start?..."
It turned out that Gemini's feeling for Grandie changed because of his endless effort to touch Gemini's heart. According to Gemini, Grandie was always there for her whenever she needed him. Of course it was not something new. From the very beginning when Gemini told Ira about Grandie, she knew almost instantly that the guy had feeling for her friend. But Gemini would always be Gemini, always hunted for perfection. And currently, her version of perfection was Grandie.
She then proceeded to elaborate the rest of Grandie's strength point and loving gesture toward her. She especially loved his hard-working nature. Unlike Gemini, Gandie was an artist. He was in the process to open his personal painting gallery. In order to achieve that goal, he was now working every job he could get. Despite of the uncertain outcome whether he would succeed or not, Gemini said that she admired Gandie's tenacity nonetheless. She valued Grandie as a man that knew what he was doing.
However the conversation should be cut short, due to Ira's short lunch break. Ira decided to deliver her best wishes for both of them in response. She was relieved that finally Gemini could clear the water with Gandie.
From Ira's point of view, friendship was the true strong foundation in a relationship after love. She believed that love had a very short age, lust even shorter. Hence, when love faded away, friendship would remain along the way.
You always needed your friend. When you broke up with your lover, you would always run to your friends. When we applied the metaphor situation above in a relationship's context, it was clear that the perfectly imperfect partner was both our lover and friend. And he or she would always be the person we would run to in the end.
Ira was happy for her friend's love life ending. Or so she thought...
****
"Hello!" Gemini greeted Ira rather too happily. She found it a little suspicious. Despite of her lack of update about Grandie, Ira assumed that they were now living happily ever after. Nevertheless, like one wise man said, never ever assume things.
"Hey, how are you?" Ira replied politely and took her seat in front of Gemini at their favorite local bar. She ordered a light cider, since it was not Friday night and for some reasons, she thought that she might need to be sober now.
"I'm really really good! How about you?" Gemini appeared to be ready to dance away her incredibly good mood.
"Good, thank you." There, Ira answered it sufficiently. "So, how's it going? Seeing from your mood today, I must say that you are delightful now. Grandie?"
"Ah! That's the thing! I'm in love with someone new!"
"Huh? What?"
Apparently, even after endless tales about guys lined up in Gemini's life, she never failed to surprised Ira about her love life.
"Yes! Oh my gosh, Ira! He is so handsome. So manly! And you know what? He's also the founder and CEO of this heap online company. Ain't that exciting? He's really sweet--"
"Wait, hold that thought. How long have you been with him or at least...knowing him, you know."
"Umm...a month ago?"
"Okayyy...." Ira started to calculate the gap between this meeting with their previous meeting six weeks ago. She tried to sync Gemini's statement with her sane sense .
"And how long has he been approaching you?"
"Ummm also a month ago?"
"When did you start feel something for him?"
"Ummm...honestly, a month ago?"
"You do realize that you are saying that you fall for him now, right?"
"Yes, yes I do!" Gemini said cheerfully.
In order to complete her investigation about Gemini's new crush, (yes, Ira concluded that there was no way love could be that easy, right?) Ira decided to keep the whole Grandie topic later.
"Why?"
"Because he is really perfect!" Gemini really smiled from time to time whenever she answered Ira's questions.
"No one is perfect." Ira could not help but interject that point. For her, perfection was never exist. Especially, when you related the term with a human being.
"I know but he is perfect for me, I guess. More than any other men, at the moment..."
"How about Grandie? Don't you think that he might be jealous with him? I don't think he will be okay with this, either." There, Ira finally gave her ultimate weapon away.
"But I am not with him. He's not my boyfriend."
"But your feeling--"
"Well Ira, Grandie simply doesn't fit. He is an artist. He does not have a clear plan ahead or even foreseeable future for that matter. You know, he is working randomly just to fund his project right now. Like come on, his path is not clear at all. While, this other guy? He has a clear plan and path for his future. I mean, as the CEO of a company that is bigger than mine, he is clearly a visionary who knows what he is doing, right? I mean what do you think about him? He's perfect, right?"
There were a lot of 'clear' there and ironically, Gemini coupled the word with future. A pair of word that Ira believed also did not match at all. For the first time in her life, Ira held her honesty tongue as Gemini's friend.
Scarily, Gemini's idea of love forced Ira to act professional even with her own friend. It was like Ira stepped out of her box and tried to understand Gemini's confession and comparison about Grandie and the new guy objectively. She then began her discovery with Gemini to understand more, because Ira believed that no one could judge others, except that they were the judges themselves--literally.
Seeing that Gemini was expecting her response, Ira knew that she had to answer.
"Yeah, I think he's perfect. Are you with him now?"
"That's the thing. He gave me a lot of signs but before he did anything about it, I already made it clear that I don't want a relationship now. I explained that other than marriage, there was no guarantee for a relationship to work. I'm really tired with break ups, you know."
"What if you meet someone better than him?"
"Well, I'm not looking right now and he's there and perfect--"
"What if he meets someone else?"
"Well, if she's good for him and he finds that she suits him. Then, I will just let him go." Gemini shrugged the thought off like Ira did not imply the possibility of her being a brokenhearted once again, despite of the absence of relationship's label.
"Will you be okay with that?"
"I think, I will be..." She said it lightly.
That was when Ira knew that she was lying. There was no way that you would not get affected if the one that you love left you for other person. Unless, you did not really love him.
"Are you sure? I'm just afraid that your heart will break when he thinks that you are not his girlfriend, so he can just pursue another woman while you are there, devoting yourself to him."
"I'm not actually devoting myself for him--"
"But you claimed that you loved him?"
"Well, he understands my concept that the only commitment that I can accept right now is marriage."
"So, you are saying that you do not want a relationship but want a marriage? You do realize that marriage is also classified as relationship, right?"
"Ira, my point is, I just want to let it flow until--"
"He's ready to propose you and skipping this whole boyfriend-girlfriend process?"
"Yes, I guess..."
Ira knew that she had to stop after Gemini showed a nervous gesture by sipping her tea uncomfortably in order to escape the prolonging their discussion.
"If that is what you want, then go for it! If he understands your concept, then you got yourself a keeper, right?"
Gemini grinned widely, loving Ira's approval.
"Just, don't lead Grandie on anymore, though."
"Nope! I already told him about this new guy. You know me and Grandie, we can never be more than friends I guess."
"Is he okay with that?" Ira was now really really confuse.
"I think he is, well he did not say much."
That's because he loves you, damn it!
Inside, Ira was struggling with her own self. She really wanted to criticize Gemini's mechanism of 'falling in and out of love', but somehow it felt more than that! She was hating Gemini's treatment to Grandie. He was being taken for granted by her. Yet, mostly she loathed Gemini's treatment to herself.
From her spot, Ira could see a frightened girl. She was so terrified by the idea of being hurt all over again in the name of love. A girl that needed assurance--a guarantee of happiness in a relationship. Despite of her verbal acceptance over imperfection, she still desired otherwise. Perfection was her ultimate goal in a guy, that was why she never stopped to find a better person to land her feeling. It was really sad how Gemini undervalued her capability to be brave enough and taking chances. Taking risk to experience and even greater happiness. Yes, it might not be comfortable but you would step on a higher lever if you take it. You will get new lessons. If only Gemini could accept that perfection did not exist at all.
For Ira, it was really sad because no one was worthy to demand perfection from others. That request was simply unfair since neither sides were perfect. On the other hand, Gemini's case (as Ira liked to label it) taught Ira that the only sure thing about feeling was... they could be deceiving. One day you were so sure that you felt a certain emotion toward others, but one could never guarantee that it would be constantly that way.
Then why does my feeling never change even until now?
Rather abruptly, Ira terminated her wandering thoughts. She decided to take her afternoon drink easy. She changed their conversation's subject and talked more about Gemini's company. Obviously, she was trying to run away from her own feeling because she knew that dealing with other's was much easier.
And the emergency term, people always came to her when they face an emergency issue within. Sometime their opposite was their own self and character, but other time, they usually have a problem with other person. Which for Ira was the same because she was still the person who analyze, calculate, and give advise to solve the problem.
Just like today, when she fulfilled her duty as Gemini's friend to solve her emergency problem.
"So, what's up?" Straight to the point, Ira felt like skipping any typical chit-chat because the only one who wanted to know about the other's update was Ira, as ironic as it could be. Yet, she would not complain since baring herself was never an option.
"I'm in love!" Gemini shrieked excitedly.
"Oh yeah?" Nothing new.
"With my best friend! You know Grandie, my long time best friend!"
"Really?"
This was news!
"How? I mean not that I don't know about his not-so-secretive feeling for you, but when did you finally realize that you are in love with him? You said not long time ago that he was childish, not your type and definitely not a husband material?" Despite of her previous swear to not investigate her friend, Ira could not help but to ask so many questions--as usual.
"Well, actually that's the reason I was a little reluctant to share this news. I was afraid of your judgement..."
"You know I never judge and never will. Call it a pure curiosity...as always." Ira cut Gemini's statement so she would not doubt her way of thinking.
"Ummm...where should I start?..."
It turned out that Gemini's feeling for Grandie changed because of his endless effort to touch Gemini's heart. According to Gemini, Grandie was always there for her whenever she needed him. Of course it was not something new. From the very beginning when Gemini told Ira about Grandie, she knew almost instantly that the guy had feeling for her friend. But Gemini would always be Gemini, always hunted for perfection. And currently, her version of perfection was Grandie.
She then proceeded to elaborate the rest of Grandie's strength point and loving gesture toward her. She especially loved his hard-working nature. Unlike Gemini, Gandie was an artist. He was in the process to open his personal painting gallery. In order to achieve that goal, he was now working every job he could get. Despite of the uncertain outcome whether he would succeed or not, Gemini said that she admired Gandie's tenacity nonetheless. She valued Grandie as a man that knew what he was doing.
However the conversation should be cut short, due to Ira's short lunch break. Ira decided to deliver her best wishes for both of them in response. She was relieved that finally Gemini could clear the water with Gandie.
From Ira's point of view, friendship was the true strong foundation in a relationship after love. She believed that love had a very short age, lust even shorter. Hence, when love faded away, friendship would remain along the way.
You always needed your friend. When you broke up with your lover, you would always run to your friends. When we applied the metaphor situation above in a relationship's context, it was clear that the perfectly imperfect partner was both our lover and friend. And he or she would always be the person we would run to in the end.
Ira was happy for her friend's love life ending. Or so she thought...
****
"Hello!" Gemini greeted Ira rather too happily. She found it a little suspicious. Despite of her lack of update about Grandie, Ira assumed that they were now living happily ever after. Nevertheless, like one wise man said, never ever assume things.
"Hey, how are you?" Ira replied politely and took her seat in front of Gemini at their favorite local bar. She ordered a light cider, since it was not Friday night and for some reasons, she thought that she might need to be sober now.
"I'm really really good! How about you?" Gemini appeared to be ready to dance away her incredibly good mood.
"Good, thank you." There, Ira answered it sufficiently. "So, how's it going? Seeing from your mood today, I must say that you are delightful now. Grandie?"
"Ah! That's the thing! I'm in love with someone new!"
"Huh? What?"
Apparently, even after endless tales about guys lined up in Gemini's life, she never failed to surprised Ira about her love life.
"Yes! Oh my gosh, Ira! He is so handsome. So manly! And you know what? He's also the founder and CEO of this heap online company. Ain't that exciting? He's really sweet--"
"Wait, hold that thought. How long have you been with him or at least...knowing him, you know."
"Umm...a month ago?"
"Okayyy...." Ira started to calculate the gap between this meeting with their previous meeting six weeks ago. She tried to sync Gemini's statement with her sane sense .
"And how long has he been approaching you?"
"Ummm also a month ago?"
"When did you start feel something for him?"
"Ummm...honestly, a month ago?"
"You do realize that you are saying that you fall for him now, right?"
"Yes, yes I do!" Gemini said cheerfully.
In order to complete her investigation about Gemini's new crush, (yes, Ira concluded that there was no way love could be that easy, right?) Ira decided to keep the whole Grandie topic later.
"Why?"
"Because he is really perfect!" Gemini really smiled from time to time whenever she answered Ira's questions.
"No one is perfect." Ira could not help but interject that point. For her, perfection was never exist. Especially, when you related the term with a human being.
"I know but he is perfect for me, I guess. More than any other men, at the moment..."
"How about Grandie? Don't you think that he might be jealous with him? I don't think he will be okay with this, either." There, Ira finally gave her ultimate weapon away.
"But I am not with him. He's not my boyfriend."
"But your feeling--"
"Well Ira, Grandie simply doesn't fit. He is an artist. He does not have a clear plan ahead or even foreseeable future for that matter. You know, he is working randomly just to fund his project right now. Like come on, his path is not clear at all. While, this other guy? He has a clear plan and path for his future. I mean, as the CEO of a company that is bigger than mine, he is clearly a visionary who knows what he is doing, right? I mean what do you think about him? He's perfect, right?"
There were a lot of 'clear' there and ironically, Gemini coupled the word with future. A pair of word that Ira believed also did not match at all. For the first time in her life, Ira held her honesty tongue as Gemini's friend.
Scarily, Gemini's idea of love forced Ira to act professional even with her own friend. It was like Ira stepped out of her box and tried to understand Gemini's confession and comparison about Grandie and the new guy objectively. She then began her discovery with Gemini to understand more, because Ira believed that no one could judge others, except that they were the judges themselves--literally.
Seeing that Gemini was expecting her response, Ira knew that she had to answer.
"Yeah, I think he's perfect. Are you with him now?"
"That's the thing. He gave me a lot of signs but before he did anything about it, I already made it clear that I don't want a relationship now. I explained that other than marriage, there was no guarantee for a relationship to work. I'm really tired with break ups, you know."
"What if you meet someone better than him?"
"Well, I'm not looking right now and he's there and perfect--"
"What if he meets someone else?"
"Well, if she's good for him and he finds that she suits him. Then, I will just let him go." Gemini shrugged the thought off like Ira did not imply the possibility of her being a brokenhearted once again, despite of the absence of relationship's label.
"Will you be okay with that?"
"I think, I will be..." She said it lightly.
That was when Ira knew that she was lying. There was no way that you would not get affected if the one that you love left you for other person. Unless, you did not really love him.
"Are you sure? I'm just afraid that your heart will break when he thinks that you are not his girlfriend, so he can just pursue another woman while you are there, devoting yourself to him."
"I'm not actually devoting myself for him--"
"But you claimed that you loved him?"
"Well, he understands my concept that the only commitment that I can accept right now is marriage."
"So, you are saying that you do not want a relationship but want a marriage? You do realize that marriage is also classified as relationship, right?"
"Ira, my point is, I just want to let it flow until--"
"He's ready to propose you and skipping this whole boyfriend-girlfriend process?"
"Yes, I guess..."
Ira knew that she had to stop after Gemini showed a nervous gesture by sipping her tea uncomfortably in order to escape the prolonging their discussion.
"If that is what you want, then go for it! If he understands your concept, then you got yourself a keeper, right?"
Gemini grinned widely, loving Ira's approval.
"Just, don't lead Grandie on anymore, though."
"Nope! I already told him about this new guy. You know me and Grandie, we can never be more than friends I guess."
"Is he okay with that?" Ira was now really really confuse.
"I think he is, well he did not say much."
That's because he loves you, damn it!
Inside, Ira was struggling with her own self. She really wanted to criticize Gemini's mechanism of 'falling in and out of love', but somehow it felt more than that! She was hating Gemini's treatment to Grandie. He was being taken for granted by her. Yet, mostly she loathed Gemini's treatment to herself.
From her spot, Ira could see a frightened girl. She was so terrified by the idea of being hurt all over again in the name of love. A girl that needed assurance--a guarantee of happiness in a relationship. Despite of her verbal acceptance over imperfection, she still desired otherwise. Perfection was her ultimate goal in a guy, that was why she never stopped to find a better person to land her feeling. It was really sad how Gemini undervalued her capability to be brave enough and taking chances. Taking risk to experience and even greater happiness. Yes, it might not be comfortable but you would step on a higher lever if you take it. You will get new lessons. If only Gemini could accept that perfection did not exist at all.
For Ira, it was really sad because no one was worthy to demand perfection from others. That request was simply unfair since neither sides were perfect. On the other hand, Gemini's case (as Ira liked to label it) taught Ira that the only sure thing about feeling was... they could be deceiving. One day you were so sure that you felt a certain emotion toward others, but one could never guarantee that it would be constantly that way.
Then why does my feeling never change even until now?
Rather abruptly, Ira terminated her wandering thoughts. She decided to take her afternoon drink easy. She changed their conversation's subject and talked more about Gemini's company. Obviously, she was trying to run away from her own feeling because she knew that dealing with other's was much easier.
***FIN***
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Her Perfect Life [3] : Let it Snow
She sipped the hot chocolate while watching people passed by the coffee shop. She always had a thing with a big wide window where she could observe her surrounding. She loved how every person interacted with each other. When she saw a couple in love before her, the sight made her sighed and missed him eventually. Yet, she understood the fact that their world was different. Beside their beautiful relationship, each one of them had their own business that also needed attention. He was not her universe like she wasn't his, but it did not mean they loved each other any less. That was how they shared their life together.
She shook her thoughts about him. Today was her 'me time' day and she intended to spend it well before going back to her dissertation. After smiling kindly for a little girl with the cutest pink winter coat, who bounced while holding her mom's hand, she turned her attention back to her most favorite novel: Harry Potter.
She read the story silently. The Christmas carols played softly in the cafe. It was so comfortable and warm--made her missed home, though. However, she knew that distance clearly made the heart grew fonder. Boy, if it was not the truth. She found her relationship with her family was tricky. After living alone for almost five years, it would always work best if there was distance between them. She did not know whether she should be sad about it or not.
It was not because she did not love them--actually it was not about love and affection at all. Maybe when you grew up, you changed inevitably. You possessed your own character, you were your own person, and you were ready to build something on your own.
It was nice to have your clan closely, a place where you could always call home, but somehow you had been set up for a totally different setting at some point. You craved the freedom they could not give. Most of all, she knew her time to stand on her own feet has come. Funnily, she did not complain at all. She loved the independence that came with it. Honestly, it was a privilege when you were able to manage your own space to grow.
It was nice to have your clan closely, a place where you could always call home, but somehow you had been set up for a totally different setting at some point. You craved the freedom they could not give. Most of all, she knew her time to stand on her own feet has come. Funnily, she did not complain at all. She loved the independence that came with it. Honestly, it was a privilege when you were able to manage your own space to grow.
Suddenly, something shifted outside the window. It effectively disrupted her attention. She looked over the window and gasped! It was snowing outside! The first snow! She grinned widely, watching the snow like it was her first time. Always so magical and soothing--it was like the snowflakes absorb every clatters in the street.
She closed her eyes...content.
When she opened them...there he was, standing outside the coffee shop. He was standing exactly in front of her, holding a piece of paper that said:
I missed you today.
I know today is our 'me time' day but it's the first snow.
Share a cup of hot choco and that fatty cheese cake with me, will you?
He then changed the paper with another one.
Share a cup of hot choco and that fatty cheese cake with me, will you?
And more...
I promise I will read that ol' Harry Potter book for you?
She giggled and nodded enthusiastically. The crazy guy, annoyed the hell out of her but she did not want to have him any other way. He gave her his perfect boyish grin in return and jogged into the coffee shop. He then took a seat beside her and held her close.
She buried her face on his neck and inhaled his manly yet sweet scent. He smelled like those irises from Tuscany and sandalwood--strong yet reassuring. Her own version of solace.
Perfect day indeed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)