She Wrote About Him

Somewhere in the sky above Java Island, 1st of December, 2019...

I never really wrote about You. But in the end of this year, I decided that it was time for me to dedicate my fingers to dance for You. I thought You were always beautiful, sometime I made it as a “normal” thing, until I remembered that I might take You for granted. I believed I even saw Your miracles as normalcies. 

I did not reckon the last time I saw Your promises as graces. Sometime I even miss-interpreted my arrogance to be my so-called faith in You. I was “too sure” that You would always be there and help me. I forgot that I had to earn Your love, just like you had “earned” me with Your blood. My price to pay for Your love was nothing compared to your price to get me. Sadly, it had been a while I paid for it by serving You the way You deserved, worshipping You the way You had to be adored, and loving You the way You loved me. 

I trusted You too much, I wondered was it me trusting You or proxying my self-confidence by using Your name? Have I put You in the back and used my own weapon and shield? Have I put Your Words aside by walking on ways I deemed best? Have I shed sadness tears instead of tears for your sacrifice on the cross? All these questions were indeed the answer on how I had trusted my judgment more than Yours. No wonder You put me in pain as I had put You through sorrow all these times. 

But I still loved You deeply. I still thought about You. I still needed You the most. I still saw You as my Saviour. I still breath on Your love. I still longed for Your presence to guide me. I still wanted to hear Your voice. I still strongly consider You as my place to run, hid, and lean on. I still desired Your comfort. I still feared You as You were The Almighty. 

How could I not when You were my Creator?

All I asked was more time to show how I appreciate Your wonders in me. To show You how grateful I was for Your writings about me. How thankful I was that You made me happy even through trials. How amazed I was on Your thoughtfulness for my life. How impressed I was with Your words, though sometime I felt them like blade through my heart. How speechless You made me everytime You proved my prejudice and negativity wrong. How relieve I was when You banished all my wearies. How proud I was to call You My All in All. 

I begged you to not lash Your anger on me, for I knew I was incapable to bear your wrath.

I knew how worthless I was without You… 

May 2020  be the year when I could diminish Your anger, disappointment, sorrow toward me. For I want to make You smile as You had created moments for me to smile about throughout 2019. 

Do You Wanna Build A Snowman?

There was this time when I walked aimlessly and you were there, really sure of your steps. You knew your choice. You just set yourself free from the toxic tie. While I was prisoned by my own feeling, you ran free like a strong lioness. You finally allowed yourself to fly, went back to be the perfect self that you were.

There was this time when you cheered me up during our long walk in the woods by the river. We sang like no one watching (we hopped no one was). We sang on how God would always be with us, no matter where we were. Our walk included sipping upon my favorite coffee though you hated coffee. While I enjoyed my large cup, you struggled to finish your small one.

There was this time when you took a picture of me and insisted me to smile genuinely. It was really hard but you encouraged me anyway. I had never seen you so happy, so flirtatious, so alive. You were so beautiful. Well, you were always beautiful for me but at that time you were exceptionally so. Maybe it was your bright aura compared to my dark one. Psst... you know what? You were the reason I smiled that day.

There was this time when we talked over a glass of wine. You said you wanted to try one, but I ended finished up yours because you hated the taste. You said it was too sour. I remembered your expression when you first tried it. You frowned but quickly changed your demeanour, too proud to admit your obvious dislike. You’re supposed to be elegant, you know.

There was this time when I left you waiting in my favorite coffee shop. You accompanied me when I needed it the most. You were with me on the day I broke my heart severely. You were with me when I prepared myself to let him go, to see his face for the last time. You were with me when life forced me to give my heart away or the only love I ever had, for now. You waited for me patiently, while I faced the cruel reality and said my last goodbye to him.

There was this time when I sat before you, silently being numb. I said no word, shed no tear but had an extremely shocked heart. You sat there, letting me process it all while always made sure to make your presence known. You were simply being there. No demands. It was really comforting. 

There was this time when you held me tight when I fell apart. I could barely feel a thing. I thought I would be destroyed forever. I thought I would never see the beauty in the sorrow God put me in. Yet, you were there, sent to be with me. You made the right decision to stay longer because God knew we need each other. Usually, it was me you leaned on. I was always be the strong one. But those days, you were my crutch. My life. My laugh. My smile. Yeah, I hated my life at that time, I despised my laugh and ejected my smile. But you, you accepted it all for me.

There was this time when I had to let you go at the airport. We had our funniest time through our limited 14 days. We discovered each other more than my 25 years and your 28 years. I wished I changed your flight plan and extended your stay, but we both knew I needed to fix myself on my own so I could grow stronger. I needed a good cry and you knew I would never be able to cry in front of you. I was too proud. My dignity was just too cruel, even for my own good. Hence, I finally sent you away, memorizing your back while you proceeded through DTW.

I wish I could make you stay that day.

I wish we could make you stay today.

But I wish for your happiness more.

That was the only reason I could let it go.

To let you go… but still missing you. The old you. The new you. Whoever you are now.

Forever.

All That Matters

I thought I always wanted a beach house, where I could just calm myself whenever things got too much. I was wrong. For someone who could not sleep with any sound, the song of the waves would surely make me restless. However, I would always remember today when it was only me and no one else. When I was all that matters. 

I could feel the sun kissed my skin. It was not too hot, it was just enough. No pressure, no demands, just me and my thought. Today was the time when my introvert personality rules. It asked for nothing, only calmness and peace. Thing that was for much too much, for now.

I wrote this moment to make it last forever. To remind me that I was all that matters, there was nothing more precious that my inner peace. That was definitely the life I long for. It has no one but it was never lonely…for I was enough.

Memories After You

It was a sunny afternoon stroll. I wiped the light sweat on my forehead but I was too excited to let my exhaustion of jet-lag stopped me to explore. The summer golden hours were really beautiful. I enjoyed it, I even closed my eyes, still could not believe that I was here. In the land of freedom with a new hope in my heart.

My steps were light as I explored the wide roads and narrow streets. There were many small cafes, stores and restaurants. I even walked further and found cute market. Did I tell you that I had a thing with a supermarket with warm and cozy condition? Where the sold stuff was aligned beautifully, but most important, they were things I had never seen nor tried before.

During my walk, I also mapped many coffee shops that I would visit. A coffee shop in the corner of the street, the one that was enriched with big wide window. I also loved some quietness it offered. Far away from the campus. Not that I did not adore my new, beautifully designed and high-tech campus, but it was still the medium of struggle nonetheless.

The highlights were the sense of freedom. The feeling of strangeness. The promise of exploration and inspiration. The idea of knowing new people. The ability to hone myself with a better equipment.  I loved all that above.

Now that you were gone into oblivion, I finally remembered those things—things that I loved before you and now, after you.

Their Perfect Life [7] : Entirely of Possibility - Part 3

As broken as her heart might be, she was bored working at home. It was 5 in the afternoon, almost sunset. Walking around under the golden hours seemed appealing. Maybe she could finally update her Instagram which was almost dead, since she had not been posting stuff for a while. She loved photography and tolerated social media but she loved her real moments more.

After thinking over the pros and cons, she finally decided to go out and brought along her Harry Potter 7th novel.

She took a detour, avoiding 'their' usual coffee shop, just in case he was still there. She snorted over her own idea, there was no way he would wait for her. He must be busy right now, she thought while rolling her eyes. She walked down the beautiful canal and passed the cafe that sold the best chocolate in town. She stopped in front of the cafe.

The cafe's warm atmosphere was so tempting, yet she could not deny the sadness creeping in. It was also the reason why she came to the cafe after the big fight with her parents six months ago--it was all because of the displayed comfort. Funnily, it was also the first time she met him. A guy who was suddenly sitting in front of her, watching her quietly. Despite of her depression, there was something about him that made her couldn't help but notice.

She finally entered the cafe and picked the same spot to sit, near the big wide window. It was almost hilarious how this cafe suddenly turned into her safe haven whenever she was upset.

After ordering a hot chocolate from the overly kind waiter, who half flirted half asked for her order, she sighed and leaned on the chair. Slowly, closing her eyes.

It still hurt, though.

No, worse than that. She missed him already.

****

He walked along the canal, his feeling was a mess. His instinct told him to drop by her apartment asked what was wrong with her. What if she got sick? What if she was mad at him? But why? He sighed and kept walking.

Suddenly, he stopped dead on his track. There she was, sitting on the same spot where he found her around six months ago. His own personal hidden gem. However, she looked so upset yet peaceful at the same time. She closed her eyes but he knew that she was not sleeping.

Was she okay?
Was she avoiding him by not coming to their usual coffee break?
He had to know! This wondering business started to piss him off.

He entered the cafe and approached her rather quickly--too quick for his liking--yet, he did not give a damn anymore. Three months were enough to be with her but not in the way he wanted. Seeing her closing her eyes with sagging shoulder made him wanted, no scratched that, needed to hold her close. Shielded her from the bad, every single one. No more arm-length approach, he could not do that anymore.

****

She was so tired, she might fall asleep in that comfy chair. The heavenly smell of Belgian chocolate did not help either. However, she remembered that she was now in a cafe, no one would appreciate a sleeping girl in the chair, no matter how cozy it was.

Slowly she opened her eyes...and there he was.

"Am I dreaming?" She mumbled to herself.

"Nope..." He smiled softly.

Gosh! He was so gorgeous! She almost hated herself for thinking about that because he was not hers to own.

"What are you doing here?" She said rather hoarsely.

"Looking for you because you bail on our regular coffee?"

"Well, I'm not feeling well."

"Which is exactly why you should go home now and sleep."

"I was bored at home." She answered and straightened her posture.

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

"Ummm...why should I?" She frowned, remembering his lovey-dovey lunch with Alissa.

"Well, I can bring you something to eat? I can even bring your hot chai tea. I waited for two hours, you know."

"You did?"

"Yes." He said, looking dejected.

"Why?"

"Well, that's our routine." He said simply.

"I thought--"

"You thought what, Avni?"

"Nothing." She said.

She did not need to make things more complicated than it was. They never talked about being more than a coffee buddy. Yes, there were time when she thought that he attracted to her but he never really made any move. They had been a coffee buddy for almost 4 months now.

Yet, after his admission of waiting for her, she really hoped that he might want more, despite of the fact that he took Alissa out.

But who was she? He was a free and eligible man, he deserved thousands of Alissas. Most importantly, he had the freedom to choose whoever he wanted.

She had no right.

That was why she should snap it out before he knew about her feeling and leaving her high and dry. Well, at least she could always have a friend like him. That way, she could always have him near despite of their different expectation.

"I'm okay, really." Avni righted her sitting position, tried her best to assure him that she was really okay.

"I don't trust you." He said doubtfully while studying her.

She forced herself to grin so wide, she almost believe that she was fine.

"Reallyyy... And I'm sorry again that I did not contact you. I thought you would leave once you saw that I wasn't there. I also thought that you might be busy so I didn't text nor call you." She admitted and bit her lip.

Yes, it was correct, she never had the gut to contact him. He also never contacted her, other than talking about their coffee schedule, which was really sad. For her, it was an obvious sign that he did not want more.

Gosh! It was getting harder and harder. The more she spent her time with him, the more she wanted him.

He felt like home, a place where she belonged. He looked like someone she could rely on. She trusted him--something that she rarely gave, especially to a man. Yet, she did not want to compete to get his heart. She has no energy left.

Especially, after witnessing how easy he could charm other woman.

She should get out from here soon without hurting his feeling. Maybe also avoid him until unforeseeable future, it was for the best or for the sake of her sanity. She was sure he would be okay, though. Schylar without Avni would be fine but Avni without Schylar... well, let's just say that Avni must work harder than Schylar to cope with the loss of their regular coffee time.

He suddenly exhaled frustratingly which made her guilty but also confused.

"Umm...you okay?" Avni asked, unsure.

"No, I'm not okay, Avni. This is not okay." He groaned frustratingly.

"Well, you can tell me if you want, if it would make you better." The truth was Avni wanted to comfort him, hug him. Heck! She just simply wanted him.

He then looked at Avni in the eyes, his face somber. "I want you."

Avni gasped, not prepared at all over his blunt admission.

"It's been a while since I want you but I know what we are and what we are not. I want more now. Your absence was a slap to myself. It reminds me on how helpless I was dealing with your absence. 

I dealt with many people, lobbied hundred of politicians, yet here I am being a coward in front of you. I didn't even have the gut to use your phone number whenever I want!

I don't want to deny myself anymore, Avni. I want you. I want to be your guy. I want to have a quick lunch with you even between our crazy schedule. I want to have a longer coffee time with you. I want to be your dinner date. Hell, I want to call you or even text you whenever I want.

I want you to rely on me like I rely on you. I want you to trust me like I trust you. I just simply want you to want me like I do you."

Avni was speechless, while Schylar looked so desperate.

He dugged his head before smiled bitterly before pinned Avni with his fiery gaze.

"It looks like that I don't only want you, I need you. So Avni, is there any chance that you somehow need me too?"

His glistened eyes were her undoing. She raised from her seat, sat on his lap and simply held him.

"I need you too."

He held her so tight, she could not breath. Yet, it was the easiest breath she could take today.

Meeting You

I will meet you.

Maybe I have met you when you held her hand or when I held his hand.
Maybe I have met you when you were on a date with her or when I was on a date with him.
Maybe I have met you when you cuddled her on the movie or when I cuddled him on the movie.
Maybe I have met you when you held her close on the beach or when I held him close on the beach.

Maybe we were passing by that day but we just did not notice each other.

Maybe we were on the same coffee shop, you bought espresso while I chose chai tea.
Maybe we were on the same aisle, you bought some snacks while I picked some fruits.
Maybe we were on the same bookstore, you bought some non-fiction while I bought romance novel.
Maybe we were in that cozy restaurant, you drunk red wine while I drunk rose.

Maybe we were at the same place.
Within the same crowd.
Under the same sky.
Stood several feet from each other.

I will meet you.

Years Gone By

Today, I should face my fear.

She said the mantra over and over again. Not really ready to do what she was about to do. Too scared to discover the truth. Maybe it was too late, maybe it was not right. Maybe it was a mistake. She did not even know why she agreed to face the truth. She should just stay where she was. Happy with her life, leaving the past.

She sighed. Too tired to think about possibilities.  Maybe it was all now forgotten. Maybe she was the only one that had photographic memory. Or maybe not. She sat on her bed and looked toward the skyline through her hotel room’s window.

She could not help but thought...

They are now under the exact same sky and it is so frightening.

****

What would I say?

There was this little excitement that he tried to kill. If he recalled, he never had this kind of feeling anymore. It was long time ago, but why did his heart beat like it was never beating before. It made him realize how time passed like a blink of an eye. He tried not to smile to think about possibilities. 

He walked faster so he could arrive earlier. He basically did not know what to expect. Maybe she would not be there. Maybe she forgot. Maybe she had canceled. It would be a lie if those probabilities killed his joy a little.

Nevertheless, he could not help but thought...

They are now in the same city and it is so terrifying.